Students Continue to Jaywalk in Hopes of Getting Hit By a Car

By Hannah Lynn
In the past few months, the Pitt Campus Police have been cracking down on jaywalking, specifically across Forbes near David Lawrence Hall. Students have been encouraged to use the Skywalk above Forbes as an alternative. “We’re just trying to keep students safe,” said Pitt Police Officer Jack Wells. “I know these kids want to get to class as quick as possible, but it’s not worth risking their lives.”

What Wells, along with the rest of the police force, fail to realize is that Pitt students actively do not give a shit. According to Sophomore Charlie Evans, he and other students will continue to jaywalk, regardless of the risk. “I just want to get to class in as little time as possible, but if get hit by a car, that’s just an added bonus,” he said. While Evans’ response might be shocking to some adults, it is a common sentiment among his fellow youths. Junior Elsa Larson has similar feelings about the illegal street crossing. “My main motivation for going to class is that there’s the possibility I might get hit by a car on the way there,” she said.

This sentiment, common among college students across the country, is typically brought on by an overwhelming sense of existential dread. “I was on my way to an Econ lecture the other day and I was trying to figure out how to write a 10 page paper on ‘Moby Dick’ while also listening to my mom on the phone nag me about summer internship applications and I just thought ‘wouldn’t it be great if a Sodexo truck came barreling down Forbes and brought me sweet relief’,” Evans said.

The Pitt Police department was shocked to hear about this and expressed concern for the mental health of the student population. “Look, it has nothing to do with mental health,” said Larson. “It simply has to do with the world being horrible and everyone being stupid and my overwhelming and uncertain future.”

Pitt Police says it will continue to fine students to jaywalking, even if it does add to their already weighty financial burden.