Move Over Global Warming, It’s Sweater Time

By Abby Stoudt


Hey guys do you think that we could stop with this global warming stuff? I really want to wear a sweater. It’s fall, look at your calendars. It’s legally sweater weather and if I can’t wear a sweater outside sometime soon, I’m going to lose it.

My favorite sweater is this yellow cable-knit one that I bought at H&M and if I don’t wear it at least 287 times a year then I might die. I don’t know if I’ll definitely die but frankly, I don’t really want to live in a life where I can’t wear my favorite sweater at least 287 a year. Maybe this year I’ll go for a new record and wear it 300 times. I’ll never know if I can actually hit this goal unless we get our act together and stop global warming. I mean it you guys.

No, I will not just bear with it and wear a sweater outside right now. It’s 75 degrees outside and if I wear a sweater, I’ll get heat stroke and then have to go to the wellness center and miss class. Do you want me to miss class? Then stop with this global warming stuff please. 

I think that I know how we can fix all of this so that we can make sweater weather our today and not some story from the “good old days” we tell our children. I’m not having kids so who the hell am I going to tell about sweater weather if we keep going on with this? In order to stop global warming, we just need to make the globe cooler. I propose that if we just all turn on our air conditioning to the highest setting and open our freezers and also leave the windows open, we can reverse global warming. My hair dryer has a cool setting and I can use that too if anyone thinks that it’ll help.

Also, the ice caps are melting so we need to fix that. If we bring back the ice caps good enough, we can have permanent sweater weather. You know when you drink gets warm, so you put ice in it to cool it off? I think we should do that with the Arctic. Maybe we can make more ice in the Arctic if we dump enough ice-cubes in there.

I don’t know enough about the environment to know if any of my ideas would really do anything, but also I don’t like being wrong so I don’t want to hear anything if I am. Thanks.


How To Break The Ice On A First Date

 by Jessica Simpson

  1. Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant like Olive Garden.  Bitches love pasta.
  2. Take a lesson from Pathfinders and avoid traditional ice-breaking techniques.
  3. Buy an ice sculpture in the shape of a giant cube, a swan, or Cupid.
  4. Carry said sculpture with you in a red wagon to the restaurant. Beware of bumps on the sidewalk or people mistaking the sculpture for your child.
  5. Arrive at the restaurant 15 minutes before your date.  The element of surprise is vital.
  6. Have a waiter bring the ice to your table after you’ve eaten all of the breadsticks.
  7. Take out your spare hammer, knife, or small chainsaw and start to hit the sculpture violently.  Put your back into it.  The cold never bothered you anyway.
  8. Don’t forget to bring an extra hammer, knife, or small chainsaw for your date—you can’t break the ice alone.
  9. The ice must not melt!  Vanilla Ice, Ice T, and Ice Cube all recommend that if the task proves too slippery, you and your potential lover must tackle the sculpture.
  10. If that doesn’t work out just crush some ice cubes from a glass of water with your fist and call it a day.