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By Sonya Acharya

Throw leaves, preferably orange, preferably crunchy
Use a shovel to throw brown wet leaves because autumn rain is a thing
Run through a pumpkin patch
Try to look cute for your seasonal Insta story update when you trip over a pumpkin in said patch
Caption it “Pumpkins or Punkins?” and thank me later
Sip a pumpkin spice latte
Chug that pumpkin-spicy goodness
Go apple picking
Pour scalding cider down your throat. Feel your throat blister
Bake some seasonal goodies
Make a blanket fort, crawl into it, and binge said goodies and some Netflix of your choice
Rip off your tank top to reveal a turtleneck underneath
Move those skeletons from your closet to your front porch (the freezer skeletons can stay till later)
Drape a woolen infinity scarf over your entire body
Pile all your scarves on your bed and burrow into them because you live here now
Drape a white sheet over yourself in order to become a Spook™
Check your boots for spooks before wearing them even though it’s eighty degrees outside
Start up an increasingly-loud chant of “This is Halloween!”
Yell “It’s FALL!!!” even louder
Make crinkly noises with the candy wrappers in your pockets

By Ben Ungar

1- Philosophy

You may have noticed recently on your elevator rides up Ms. Cathy that a television screen claims [REDACTED] has the highest rated Philosophy program in the country. I Googled it, and it turns out that many of these school ratings websites rate [REDACTED] well below #1. In my personal rankings, which are done EXTREMELY objectively, I believe [REDACTED]’s philosophy fits right into that 69 spot.

2- Cleanest dining halls

Everyone knows that when it comes to [REDACTED]’s food options, you’re going to be paying way more for your food than a rational person would. This is because we aren’t paying just for the food, we’re paying for the 69th cleanest food facility to grace a world university, the nice southern hospitality of the cashiers, and chancellor Gallagher’s fat stacks.

3- Football team

In all my time at [REDACTED], I have yet to watch a football game. This is because I’m straight, and only gay people like to stare at balls. If [REDACTED] beat Penn State then they’d be number one, but right now they take up the 69th slot.

4- Chancellor

No university has as dope a chancellor as [REDACTED]. Well actually I suppose 68 other schools too, but how many of them also have the 69th best Philosophy program? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

5- Best looking student body bodies

Look, I get it, how good looking can Pennsylvanians look compared to hot Californians, sexy Floridians, and exotic Hawaiians? Exactly, that’s why we’re not in the top 10 or even the top 20. Us [REDACTED]sburghers and Pennsylvanians make up the 69th best looking students in the world. Jealous much Ohio State?