Jeffrey Chaucer Pays Surprise Visit To Cup and Chaucer Café

By Louis Lobron

   

Patrons of Hillman Library’s Cup and Chaucer cafe received a surprise this Thursday afternoon when none other than renowned tale-spinner and cafe founder Geoffrey Chaucer made an unprecedented appearance in the pseudo-Starbucks chill-out spot. 

Though Chaucer was initially met with utter and complete indifference, he eventually invited a few dubious stares as he addressed what he described to our reporters as a “tough crowd”. In his most eloquent middle-english, Chaucer dynamically recounted the first days of the cafe. “When Sir Cup and I had the idea to start a coffee-shop 800 years ago, everybody in England was all like “what’s a coffee shop?, and what’s coffee? and “this is what you get for being a liberal arts major, Jeff” , but we persisted, and by way of charging $4 for small cups of sugary, mildly caffeinated beverages, we made it work Goddamnit, and look how far our creation has come,” Chaucer spoke through a translator, and not without nostalgic, nostalgic tears. 

Customers of the cafe, as well as regular library-goers who just like the mellow vibe back there, did not, however, receive Chaucer well at all. “They should really start asking for ID during the day” said disgruntled student Colin Foles, adding “I just want to sit here and watch CollegeHumor videos and avoid responsibility in peace”. When library security noticed Chaucer, they assumed the legendary author was simply a vagrant off the street, and briskly escorted him from the premises, in spite of his protests. “The Knight’s Tale, The Reave’s Tale, The Miller’s Tale, don’t you remember? I made your high school English classes magical!” objected the saucy medieval wordsmith. 

When reached for comment, Pitt English department chair Don Bialotosky inquired “Isn’t the Miller’s Tale the one about farts?”.

Smells Around Campus: Pitt

By Holly Stavarski

Each place in the world has a unique scent. Here at The Pittiful News, resident sniffer Holly Stavarski has walked around campus with nose wide open to capture the familiar scents of education and desperation that exist in the academic buildings of the University of Pittsburgh.

1. Bellefield – Dusty ballerinas 

2. Benedum – Burnt bagels and sweaty nerds

3. Cathedral – Musty books and the hot breath of someone walking up three flights of stairs 

4. Chevron – Ammonia and a moldy terrarium

5. David Lawrence – Wood chips and 200 spilled Naked Juices

6. Hillman – Stale Cheetos, cheap alcohol, and warm paper

7. Posvar – Asbestos and Panoptic powers of social control

8. Scaife – Sickly clean hospital and stress farts

9. Sennott –  Panera Bread and awkward tinder dates

10. Towers Lobby – Britney Spear’s Fantasy, Axe, and regret

11. Trees – Chlorine, Sweat, and a wrestler’s vomit

12.Victoria – New Lululemon yoga pants and Starbucks coffee

13. WPU – Fried chicken and petty Student Government scandals