“Nasty Woman” And 6 Other Donald Trump Phrases to Use in Interviews

By Shannon Kelly

“Please describe yourself.” It’s one of the first things employers ask in an interview, but how to do you convey all of who you are in mere words? Let’s take note from Donald himself.

1. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” Perfect if you’re applying to any retail position! They want to know you have limits, and regular people can push them.
2. “A very good brain.” Business professionals take note! This business-man didn’t get to the position he’s in by not just coming right out and saying how smart he is.
3. “I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” This is the most obvious one. Get it out of the way as early as possible.
4. “A nasty woman” A classic. You’re Nasty—that’s your brand. Make sure employers know what they’re getting into when they hire you.
5. “I know Russia well—I had a major event in Russia two or three years ago. Miss Universe contest, which was a big, big incredible event—an incredible success” It’s hard for employers to trust your organizing skills, so tell them upfront your history with foreign beauty pageants.
6. “I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful” This phrase is useful if you get the classic “why are you qualified for this position” question.
7. “I love Hispanics” This one is a great starter; it shows you’re full of compassion. I would actually start with this phrase even if you’re not prompted to. Handshake then “I love Hispanics”

The New Celebrity Roast

By Jessica Simpson

Comedy Central has made the decision to revamp the celebrity roast after the Rob Lowe/Ann Coulter fiasco, and the Pittiful News has the inside scoop on the new show.  James Franco, Gwyneth Paltrow, Justin Bieber, Martha Stewart, and James Franco have already signed contracts with Comedy Central for the New Celebrity Roast.    

Producers from the Food Network have partnered with Comedy Central in order to redesign the iconic celebrity roast. Celebrities will challenge one another to cook the best roast.  The competition in the kitchen will be much like Masterchef, as professional chefs judge the A-list celebrities and James Franco on their cooking chops.   Before the winner is announced, the celebrities will taste and then critique each other’s dishes, “roast the roast,” if you will.  A rep for Comedy Central explained that it seemed like an appropriate way to continue the spirit of the traditional celebrity roast—the biting jokes—and make it more appealing to a wider range of viewers with legit food.  

The episodes will be divided based on the type of roast the celebrities must cook: Round roast, Chuck roast, Pot Roast, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice, Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake.  Sorry I got carried away, there.  More roasts include Bottom Round Roast, Eye of Round Roast, Tenderloin, James Franco, and Pot Roast again because who doesn’t love a darn good pot roast?  Because of the limited amount of roasts, Comedy Central has announced that the New Celebrity Roast will be broadcast as a miniseries beginning on January 7, 2017 at 8/9 CT.   So make a date with your couch and James Franco and get pumped!

If reading this has made you hungry for a roast, please visit

www.epicurious.com/ingredients/all-about-beef-roasts-from-chuck-to-rump-article.

Nation’s Masochists Rally Behind Trump

By Leo Corman

As Election Day nears and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump struggles to win the support of many key demographics, one prominent group has continued to back him—masochists. “When most people think of masochists, they only think of physical suffering,” said Alec Pain, a spokesperson for the Society of National Masochists, “But we’re all for emotional suffering too.”

Pain and other masochists feel the same distress and anxiety in response to Trump’s divisive rhetoric as many other Americans—that’s the whole point. “I listen to Trump’s narcissistic, hate-filled speeches, and I’m genuinely worried about the future of our country,” said Pain. “And man, what a rush that is!”

While they agree that Trump is entirely unqualified to become President, most masochists cannot resist the urge to vote for a candidate who will bring them so much pleasure. “Every time I hear him talk about that stupid wall I get a little tingling sensation,” admitted David Ouchy, another member of the SNM. “If he became President, just imagine all of the offensive gaffes, the foreign policy blunders, the vague promises unfulfilled … I’m already aroused just thinking about it!”

Thus while most Americans contemplate November 8th with dread, a few might truly be excited by the results.

An Open(ed) Letter to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

By I. S. Mills

The Internet is no stranger to “open letters”: those impassioned online rants with little or nothing new to say. Here at the Pittiful News, we believe that real, pen-on-paper, opened letters have a greater power to illuminate the issues that matter. In our quest for transparency, we may have uncovered the next mail scandal of the 2016 election.

Hillary Clinton has been lambasted for holding secret email conversations on a private account during her term as secretary of state, but that’s nothing compared to the overflow of secret physical mail we found hidden in a metal box on ousted DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s private property. Get ready to lambaste again, America, because the following letter gives a whole new meaning to “irresponsible”.

Hi Deb,

I decided that your birthday gift for Mike warranted an old-fashioned letter rather than a text, “LOL”. Thank you so much for the rice cooker- what a thoughtful choice! Mike loves it and he has been making dinners in it multiple times per week, so it’s a treat for me as well, ha! How are the kids doing? Around here, Michael Jr. is preparing for his SATs already, and Alicia’s swim team just made the state championships! The time really flies, doesn’t it? It feels like only yesterday that Alicia and Shelby were splashing around in the surf at Key West- the “Good Old Days”!

I imagine that you’re keeping busy with the upcoming election, but as you know, our annual Halloween party is just around the corner… please feel free to stop by with Steve and the kids! I’ll be making my famous “witches’ fingers” cookies ☺

I’d love to chat if you have a few free minutes at some point during these hectic back-to-school weeks! Phone me anytime.

With love,

Allison

Disgusting. If Wasserman-Schultz thinks she can get away with this kind of blatant personal privacy, she’d better think again. There’s no way the former DNC chairwoman will be able live down this one.

Halloween Decorations That Say You’re a Spooky Witch Down to F***

By Megan Klein

Need a way to tell your crush that you’re totally cool to do “stuff” without actually saying anything? Let’s these Halloween decorations do it all for you!

1. Candelabra – This one really says you know how to give good head. 

2. Cobwebs – Ooooh, spooky! Show your casual hook-up that they’ll never be able to leave or escape you with these hot webs of lusty love

3. A spooky doll – look at your crush, then look at your doll, then look back at your crush. Stare so deep into his eyes that your limbs begin to melt, and utter, “you have the same eyes.” He’ll be flattered, and blush.

4. A wine glass that says “Witches Brew” – you did it! You’re officially a witch! How creepy chic of you! Now bewitch him into never leaving you. Before you know it, he’ll be proposing, then you’ll be married, then you’ll have five kids and he can never leave you for that nasty Brunhilda!

5. A jack-o-lantern – carve your crush into a big ol’ orange ball and roast the pumpkin seeds into a heart. His heart. He’ll marry you instantly, and you’ll die on the same day at the same time lying next to each other

6. Some spiders – real ones, so when they bite your crush, he turns into a mutant to everyone else, but stays beautiful to you so no crazy, crazy girl can fall in love with him. He loses all other sense of feeling, and becomes incapable of speech. He can only repeat, “I kiss you long long time”.

7. A casual knife – Use it to cut some apples to a sweet cider!

Study: Teachers Who Allow Formula Sheets Have Bigger Dicks

By Phil Forrence

A recent study out of the University of Pittsburgh suggests that professors who allow students to use custom formula sheets on math, science, or engineering tests have a heftier endowment than those who do not.

“Well, hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” said Dr. James Townsend. “Just because a professor allows equation sheets on midterms doesn’t necessarily mean he has a larger inseam.” Trends don’t control the reality of the individual, he explained. “In my case though, yeah, I got one swinging peen.”

Dr. Samuel Lincoln is the head of the Computer Engineering department at Pitt. “We should be careful talking about these studies,” said Lincoln. “Correlation isn’t causation. Just because I allow my students a single note card, front and back, for each Micro-Electronics test, doesn’t mean I have a Johnson worth singing about.” There is not necessarily a one to one relationship between allowing flashcards and a large penis. “But if we’re talking specifically about me, yeah, I got one slangin’ bangin’ sex nightmare.”

“It’s actually an old teaching adage that if you allow equation sheets, you might have a more expansive ‘manhood’,” explains Dr. Elizabeth Brooks, professor of chemical engineering at Pitt. “In my experience, that isn’t true 100% of the time.” Here, she implicates anecdotal evidence that not all teachers who help their students out have the aforementioned enhanced state of being. “If we’re talking about me though, I got one enormous hanky-panky stanky love making monstrosity.”

Op/Ed: People I Would Elect Before Donald Trump

By Dan Smith

-Bernie Sanders

-Hillary Clinton

-Elizabeth Warren

-Michelle Obama

-Stephen Colbert

-John Stewart

-Lil B

-John Green

-Kanye West

-Ophelia from Market Central

-Chance the Rapper

-My mom

-Emma Watson

-Vermin Supreme

-Oprah

-Ellen Degeneres

-Leslie Knope

-The hacker from Cyberchase

-Finn the Human

-Alex Trebek

-Literally any cat

-Joe Biden

-Roc the Panther

-Lincoln Chafee

-Jimmy McMillan

-Hulk Hogan

-Steve Harvey

-The moon emoji

-Billy Ray Cyrus

-Bill Murray -Either of the Sprouse twins -Both of the Sprouse twins -Louis C K -Al Gore -A dead squirrel -Morgan Freeman -Beyoncé -Jaden Smith -Bryan Cranston

-John Cena

-An ant farm

–Two ant farms

Survival Guide for When You Forget Your Headphones

By Jessica Simpson

Everyone knows the dreaded feeling of looking in your pockets only to realize you forget your headphones at home. Now you have to be alone with your thoughts. What a nightmare! We’ve created this handy survival guide for what to do if you should encounter such a fate.

-If you’re “studying” and you “take a break” to watch Netflix, just put it on mute and turn on the captions.  Reading is important!

-Sing to yourself! If people stare it’s just because you’re a talented human and they’re jealous.

-Find an appropriate public place to play your tunes aloud without people giving you withering stares.

-Cave and buy new, extremely overpriced headphones, conveniently found at your local Pitt shop or drugstore retailer.  

-Steal someone’s headphones (please don’t).

-Skip your class, abandon all of your responsibilities and go home to get your headphones.  Priorities.

-Walk very close to people wearing headphones—close enough that it’s not creepy but you can still hear the music—one to two feet away is acceptable.  Avoid restraining orders.  

-Allow yourself to have an epiphany that you don’t actually need your headphones.  You only need to open yourself up to the beautiful world around you.  Meditate! Write a poem! Make a friend!

-Find sticks, seashells, what-have you that resembles earphones.  Put them in your ears and pretend they are headphones.  If you can’t actually listen to music you might as well blend in!

“Dove Chocolate Sayings Made Me Do It!” Says Local Arsonist

By Rachel Boward

“I’m innocent!” David Davidson boldly exclaimed as he unceremoniously collapsed to his knees outside a Pittsburgh police department Monday afternoon, “It was Dove Chocolate, they made me do it.” Davidson is accused of initiating a spree of house fires Friday evening which led to the mild terror and first degree burns of several South Oakland residents. However, against the urging of his legal consultants, he refuses to plead guilty to the charges brought against him. He instead blames “Dove Chocolate Sayings” for manipulating him into lighting the match.

In a wild turn of events, Davidson’s seemingly incoherent plea may not be unfounded. In a search of the suspect’s third floor apartment late Saturday night, dozens of the iconic Dove Chocolate candy wrappers were found amongst empty Sorento’s pizza boxes and half completed Chemistry assignments. Such seemingly innocent sayings as, “Do Something Spontaneous” and “Temptation is fun…giving in is even better!” meant to inspire the typical middle-aged female population suddenly turned dark in light of recent events. Even darker still were the sayings on the wrappers found lodged deep into the crevices of the stained mustard yellow La-Z-Boy recliner in the bedroom of the perpetrators home. “‘Make someone melt today’ and ‘Don’t settle for a spark, light a fire instead’, these are real quotes seen on the back of these candy wrappers. If these are found to be authentic, we might have a real epidemic on our hands,” Police Chief Henry McHenry boldly proclaimed in a press conference early Monday morning.
In a Pittiful news exclusive interview Sunday night, we got the real scoop on the darker findings of the investigation. “Yes, it’s true,” Jack Jackson revealed, “…there are more.” With a helpless grimace, Jackson opens the old Crocs shoebox sitting ominously in the center of the dirty Starbuck’s table. With a gasp, Richardson pulled out a single wrapper from amongst the hundreds of crumpled tin foil specimens that lay inside. “‘Gas stations are always a good place to find the ingredients to start a fire…in your heart,’” Richardson reads in a hushed tone, “No way, this can’t be.” Many more eerily specific quotes such as, “Strike the red end, no, no, against the box, you idiot, not your hand”, and “Okay, now just pour the gasoline onto the apartment, good, good girl, er, boy” could be glimpsed shining in the dim light at the top of the pile. If these wrappers are indeed the real deal, this may go deeper than anyone could ever have expected. “This could be government deep,” Jackson whispers, cringing at the sight of the empty shells in the box before him.
Whether a government conspiracy, mass-media cover-up, or simply the musings of a deranged chocolate factory worker, one can’t deny that for the first time in human history, eating an Almond Joy could’ve saved the world a whole lot of grief. The trial begins Tuesday.

Fall Flavored Drugs

By Megan Kline

A leaf fell, and you know what that means. IT’S FALL! It’s officially the best season of the year, so why not celebrate with some new seasonal flavored drugs? Pre-game those pumpkin patches and apple orchards with the latest and greatest seasonal selections! MMM…Fall sure is addicting!

1. Pumpkin Spice Smack

Yum! Starbucks has nothing on this sweet new flavor, available at your local drug dealer for a limited time only. It’s a favorite!

2. Apple Cinnamon Crank

Hints of cinnamon sticks and aromatic apple in this crystal meth really make losing your teeth taste that much better!

3. Maple Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)

It may look impossible to pronounce, but it tastes just like Mrs. Butterworths Classic Syrup! Delicious!

4. Caramel Apple A-bomb

Drizzle your marijuana cigarettes with heroin, opium, acid, and a touch of caramel! You don’t even have to bite into this one!  

5. Butternut Squash Sativa

A savory cannabis, squash really livens up this cool plant, and makes for a warm and fulfilling and savory drug! A treat for all! Have it as a side-dish at your next dinner party!

6. Nutmeg Nubs

Peyote with a dash of nutmeg? Sold! This is a classic, and studies show nutmeg can even help speed up your metabolism while you hallucinate an eternal fall. Amazing health benefits!