Ways to Profit Off the Funeral You’re Going To

coffin at a cemetery

By Tyler Sikov

  1. Steal personal items
  2. Sell black umbrellas
  3. Perform a ventriloquism act with the deceased for tips
  4. Sell balloons
  5. Steal $600 worth of caviar (and then you’ll have to play live music to pay it off)
  6. Take bets on who will die next
  7. Play the organ for tips
  8. Kill someone else to ensure repeat profits

Things That’ll Put the ‘Fun’ in Funeral!


By Tyler Sikov

  1. Bringing milk
  2. Ventriloquism with the deceased
  3. Stealing personal items
  4. Selling black umbrellas
  5. Making bets on who will die next
  6. Hiring a lookalike to be in the coffin, and then having them jump out while the real body is wearing a big hat in the back row so no one expects a thing
  7. Joke routines
  8. Directing people to the wrong grave and pushing someone in
  9. Applying makeup to the body
  10. Playing the organ but claiming to only know how to play trap and pop music (especially ‘Play Good Music At My Funeral’ by iamnotshane)
  11. Killing someone else
  12. Balloons
  13. Eat all the hors d’oeuvres