Local Naïve Freshman Doesn’t Know She Wants to Be Dead Yet

By: Riley Weber
“College is so amazing. I love the people, the city and my classes. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life,” were the words freshman Tess Kopanski tweeted after her first week of classes. This tweet, along with several other joyful tweets sent shortly thereafter, have sent ripples through the upperclassmen community who all thought, in unison, “Aw, that’s adorable.”

Several upperclassmen were available for comment on the tweet and its stupidity. “Oh boy is this little Tess in for a surprise,” junior Marissa Route declared. “It’s a week in and I’m already drowning. I’ve got hours of work every night, balancing that with lab volunteering. Add that to the job I work over the weekends because I’m dirt broke and there you have it. I would LOVE to be dead.” At the time of the tweet, Kopanski had not even taken a single midterm yet, prompting the statement from sophomore Karl Stotten, “Last year I had two midterms and an essay due on the same day, another midterm and essay due the next day, then a full lab report due the next. I would have welcomed death’s cold kiss right then and there.”

Another student, senior Jared Leroy, gave us his version of events. “Haha. Hahaha. Ha. Good. But hey, could you do me a favor and swing that board full of nails at my head?” When Kopanski was told of her folly by almost everyone, she scoffed. “I took 3 AP classes in high school, while leading two clubs and having a job, how hard could it be? Being alive is really great!” More on this story as it develops.

Things I Wish I’d Known About College

By I.S. Mills

Some incoming freshmen feel adequately prepared for their first college experience just by relying on university orientations and the advice of friends and parents. But I would have loved to know some of the things I know now when I was a rising freshman. That’s why I’ve compiled a brief list of information to pass on to the freshmen of 2016.

1) Don’t Even Bother Packing Your Heels
You will wear your heels to class one time, and blisters you incur from this occasion will remind you to never walk to upper campus in anything but Sketchers with orthopedic insoles ever again.

2) Eels in the Soda Fountains
Picture this: you’re hankering for some SoBe™ Yumberry Pomegranate Lifewater™, but what comes out is solid and toothy. Don’t worry, everyone gets freaked out the first time they find a few juvenile morays at the bottom of their cup, but you’ll get used to it. (Just avoid the Mountain Dew- that comes with electric eels).

3) No Sunglasses
This one really surprised me. I had no idea that absolutely no sunglasses are allowed at college before I moved in. In fact, a security guard confiscated my Ray Bans before letting me into the bathrooms in Chevron on the first day of classes. Don’t make the same mistake I did!

4) The Centipedes
Boy howdy, are there a lot of centipedes here! Thousands, maybe millions!

5) Importance of Eye Contact

Sure, your high school teachers probably mentioned eye contact during presentations once or twice, but it’s super important to college professors. To be safe, I make eye contact with my professors whenever I enter or exit a room. If you wear glasses, be sure to take them off beforehand so the glass doesn’t get in the way of the surface of your eyeball rotating wetly against your professor’s. I wouldn’t recommend contacts, because they can fall out during the “ocular kiss.”