How To Break The Ice On A First Date

 by Jessica Simpson

  1. Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant like Olive Garden.  Bitches love pasta.
  2. Take a lesson from Pathfinders and avoid traditional ice-breaking techniques.
  3. Buy an ice sculpture in the shape of a giant cube, a swan, or Cupid.
  4. Carry said sculpture with you in a red wagon to the restaurant. Beware of bumps on the sidewalk or people mistaking the sculpture for your child.
  5. Arrive at the restaurant 15 minutes before your date.  The element of surprise is vital.
  6. Have a waiter bring the ice to your table after you’ve eaten all of the breadsticks.
  7. Take out your spare hammer, knife, or small chainsaw and start to hit the sculpture violently.  Put your back into it.  The cold never bothered you anyway.
  8. Don’t forget to bring an extra hammer, knife, or small chainsaw for your date—you can’t break the ice alone.
  9. The ice must not melt!  Vanilla Ice, Ice T, and Ice Cube all recommend that if the task proves too slippery, you and your potential lover must tackle the sculpture.
  10. If that doesn’t work out just crush some ice cubes from a glass of water with your fist and call it a day.