finals

Things we get to do because we finals week free, losers

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By Lord Tyler Sikov and Sarah (Zodiac) Yule

  • Learn grammar 
  • Go to the McDonalds drive thru for a large soda and pay with card because I can
  • Sell heavily printed leggings through our MLM while watching Amazon Prime documentary Lularich
  • Ask local restaurants in my hometown if they take panther funds 
  • Become a Cam Girl 
  • Watch iCarly
  • Start a new cult
    • That’s 9 articles baby!!! 
  • Attend meetings for my old cult
  • Go to a traditional latin mass for the aesthetic
  • Have Hanukkah 2: Electric BoogaJew 
  • Go to my town’s matchmaker and get hitched
    • like the Will Smith movie Hitch
    • Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match
  • Gabagool
  • Pee pee poo poo without having to take my laptop in with me to multitask
  • Cancel my therapy appointment to frolic around the grocery store 
  • Played a bunch of new video games
  • Sent my family on a “vacation”
  • Got screamed at by a very hungry cat at 8am  
  • Do a methema
    • Like an enema, but with meth
  • Romanticize my future with every fast food worker
  • Learn a tiktok dance
  • Finally start working on that manifesto I’ve been putting off
  • Tried doing ‘it’ with my pasta maker 
  • Left my girlfriend on read for 45 minutes
    • I’m back on the market Ladies (and fellas, shh ;) ) 
  • Take my vitamins
  • Ate brownies with my aunt and uncle 
  • Teach my cats to play Dungeons and Dragons 
  • Go to Denny’s and get one mug of coffee and sit there for hours as if I have just buried a body 
  • Stole the Declaration of Independence
  • Crashed the currency of a small country 
  • Cast: Summon Tomato as many times as I could before I passed out 
  • Cast: Summon Tornado as many times as I could before I passed out 
  • Spill the Tea
  • Spill some tea
  • Tea some spill
  • Stir shit up 
  • Watch Sharkboy and Lava Girl 3D the way it was meant to be watched

Study: Teachers Who Allow Formula Sheets Have Bigger Dicks

pitifulnews big dicks, college, comedy, exams, finals, formula sheets, funny, humor, midterms, Professor, satire

By Phil Forrence



A recent study out of the University of Pittsburgh suggests that professors who allow students to use custom formula sheets on math, science, or engineering tests have a heftier endowment than those who do not.


“Well, hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” said Dr. James Townsend. “Just because a professor allows equation sheets on midterms doesn’t necessarily mean he has a larger inseam.” Trends don’t control the reality of the individual, he explained. “In my case though, yeah, I got one swinging peen.”


Dr. Samuel Lincoln is the head of the Computer Engineering department at Pitt. “We should be careful talking about these studies,” said Lincoln. “Correlation isn’t causation. Just because I allow my students a single note card, front and back, for each Micro-Electronics test, doesn’t mean I have a Johnson worth singing about.” There is not necessarily a one to one relationship between allowing flashcards and a large penis. “But if we’re talking specifically about me, yeah, I got one slangin’ bangin’ sex nightmare.”

“It’s actually an old teaching adage that if you allow equation sheets, you might have a more expansive ‘manhood’,” explains Dr. Elizabeth Brooks, professor of chemical engineering at Pitt. “In my experience, that isn’t true 100% of the time.” Here, she implicates anecdotal evidence that not all teachers who help their students out have the aforementioned enhanced state of being. “If we’re talking about me though, I got one enormous hanky-panky stanky love making monstrosity.”