Gym Rats Implement "Elbow Day"

By Ariel Pastore

Last Thursday, also known as “Pecs and Lats Day,” two bros pumpin’ iron felt that these designated lift days leave out several important muscle groups. Brock and Clifton discussed it amongst themselves at an extremely loud whisper so everyone at the gym could hear.

After several minutes, people began to crowd around the bros to hear their insightful conversation. Power couple Jack and Stacey from West Virginia, who are actually brother and sister as well as lovers, said that they heard the conversation very clearly. Stacey said, “I was mixing my 20g protein shake and I heard the most smartest thing ever, Brock and Clifton want to implement ‘Elbow Day.’ They are geniuses.” According to the bros, everyone has a very weak elbow muscle and it needs its own day. On Friday, usually known as “Bi’s and Tri’s Day,” Brock and Clifton shocked the gym when they came in with their “Elbow Day” lift. To begin the lift they first warmed up their elbows.
According to the best way to warm up an elbow is to suck on it, with special attention to the wenis. Since no one can suck on their own elbow, Clifton and Brock took turns doing this for each other. At first, the gym rats looked at them weird and continued workin’ dat bar, but as the bros suckled each other people changed their opinions. Soon enough every elbow in the gym had been suckled by a fellow gym rat and they began the drying process. Before one can begin the “Elbow Lift,” they must properly dry off the elbow, with special attention to the wenis. The wenis is slang for the latin word wenical erectus, which is the muscle that controls all gestures, movements, and wanking motions.
One must be attentive to the wenical erectus as it is prone to injuries such as tendonitis and concussions. To avoid injury recommends that you sing a rendition of Mariah Carey’s, “Touch My Body” and wrap the wenical erectus with sportstape. After every meathead finished wrapping to Mariah Carey the lift began.

Reportedly, the lift consisted of opening jars, cans, and doors, over and over again. By the end of the lift, the bros and the rest of the gym rats had opened 42 cans of sardines, 17 cans of diced tomatoes, 53 jars of clam juice, 68 jars of roasted beets, and a whopping 77 doors. Unfortunately, these food products went to waste because they are all on strict “no carb, no sugar, no preservative, no happiness, no salt” diets.

Man shocked to discover his blood is not blue before it hits the air

By Hannah Lynn

Coikes Montero had his whole world turned upside down last week when his doctor informed him that, despite his long held belief that blood is blue until it is exposed to the air, the blood in his body is red 100% of the time.
“I can’t believe this! I’m just flabbergasted,” Montero said. “My whole life, since I was a wee babe, I’ve been told by my peers that the blood in our veins is blue! And I believed it, I mean look!” he said, pointing to his blue veins.
Montero fell victim to the widespread myth that many children are told and believe until they are old to see its flawed logic. Montero appears to have skipped this stage. “It’s just the light that makes veins appear blue,” said Lou Lee, Montero’s doctor. “I bet this guy still thinks his elbow is double jointed. Everyone is dumb. I should’ve set the world on fire ages ago!” Lee said before breaking into maniacal laughter.
Montero was still trying to process the new information. “I mean what’s next? Are you gonna tell me that my elbow isn’t double jointed?!” he yelled at the small circles of doctors and nurses that had formed around him to witness the incredible scene. No one answered him. They all looked down at their clipboards. “Oh No. No No No. NO. NOOOOO!” Montero yelled before running out the door and tripping over the hospital gown he had insisted on wearing.