Side Effects of the Newest Medication

iStock_000003170170XSmall-e1546620899276By Tyler Sikov


The FDA has just approved a new medication, with some user info. Here are some possible side effects:

  1. Dry mouth
  2. Wet mouth
  3. Blindness
  4. Increased sight
  5. Jazz hands
  6. Droopy face
  7. Uncontrollable smiling
  8. Coughing
  9. Extra lung
  10. Lack of appetite
  11. Increased appetite
  12. Smooth Jazz Syndrome
  13. Death
  14. Reincarnation
  15. Mild-to-severe plaque psoriasis
  16. Cancer
  17. More death
  18. Hearth failure
  19. Heart success
  20. Resurrection
  21. First love
  22. A heartfelt letter from the Make-A-Wish Foundation
  23. More pain than you had before taking this medicine
  24. Anything else that could ever possibly happen to anyone who is or is not taking this medicine

Ask your doctor for Jazzatrol!! (Or just look for it on store shelves.)

Fall Flavored Drugs

By Megan Kline

A leaf fell, and you know what that means. IT’S FALL! It’s officially the best season of the year, so why not celebrate with some new seasonal flavored drugs? Pre-game those pumpkin patches and apple orchards with the latest and greatest seasonal selections! MMM…Fall sure is addicting!

1. Pumpkin Spice Smack
Yum! Starbucks has nothing on this sweet new flavor, available at your local drug dealer for a limited time only. It’s a favorite!

2. Apple Cinnamon Crank
Hints of cinnamon sticks and aromatic apple in this crystal meth really make losing your teeth taste that much better!
3. Maple Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)
It may look impossible to pronounce, but it tastes just like Mrs. Butterworths Classic Syrup! Delicious!
4. Caramel Apple A-bomb
Drizzle your marijuana cigarettes with heroin, opium, acid, and a touch of caramel! You don’t even have to bite into this one!  
5. Butternut Squash Sativa
A savory cannabis, squash really livens up this cool plant, and makes for a warm and fulfilling and savory drug! A treat for all! Have it as a side-dish at your next dinner party!
6. Nutmeg Nubs

Peyote with a dash of nutmeg? Sold! This is a classic, and studies show nutmeg can even help speed up your metabolism while you hallucinate an eternal fall. Amazing health benefits!

Dad Impressed Son Has Friends To Do Drugs With

By Phil Forrence

Monroeville, PA – “He was just never very cool.” Explains local father, Chris Pultonek,who is surprised at his son’s recent involvement with drugs. “He’s not very good looking, he peed his pants until he was nine, and once called the teacher ‘mom’, but on purpose.” He continues, “It’s nice to see that at least someone will rip a bong with him.”

Drug use is considered dangerous for many teens. Even relatively safe narcotics like marijuana can be a gateway to a life of addiction and ruin. Sixteen-year-old Cedric Pultonek, Chris’s son, has weighed these points. He has chosen to take the risk. His father expresses a small amount of worry, but can’t hide his wonder that people willingly hang out with his son.

“He honestly isn’t even fun when he’s high. After he had his wisdom teeth removed but before the anesthesia wore off, Mrs. Pultonek and I had to listen to Cedric recite, in order, the U.S. presidents from Jefferson to Bush 1.” The elder Pultonek reports, still a bit shocked.

“He wasn’t even good at it. He skipped Zachary Taylor and confused Reagan with Nixon. I can see how that would happen what with Nixon being the leading edge of the New Right movement, and Reagan being its golden boy, but their interactions with the Soviet Union really differentiated their foreign policy approaches. If you are going to show off, at least know your stuff.”

When contacted for comment Chris responded, “My dad told you that?”

Cedric Pultonek concluded he’d really like to see if his other dead-beat children take up recreational drugs to boost social acceptance, except maybe try something less lame like coke or ecstasy.