I Lived It: My Death

By Riley Weber

For as long as humans have existed, philosophers and laymen alike have wondered, is there life after death? Many speculate, but I believe that I finally have the answer. Following a recent near death experience, I witnessed the afterlife firsthand and came back to tell the tale. Here is my incredible story.
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It began as I was running late for class. I had just gotten coffee from Starbucks, and needed to rush across Fifth Avenue. I was so focused on drinking coffee and watching this great gif on my phone, you know, the one with the cat on the hoverboard, that I forgot to look left. All I can recall was a flash of red, a loud horn and then things went black. Next, I felt a gust of cool, neat air blowing past my face. I looked up and saw a bright fluorescent light, near blinding. The air smelled clean and artificial. I heard the soft beeps of a checkout line and I knew I could only be in one place, a Rite Aid. I took a step inside and a kind-looking old woman handed me a smiley sticker.

“Do stores still do this?” I asked
“Here we do, sweet child.” She said, and began to shuffle away.
Puzzled, I began to look around. I looked down an aisle and it seemed to carry on endlessly. The next one appeared to as well. I walked perpendicular to the aisles, examining the wares. The shelves were pristinely stocked with anything you could need; Easy Mac, lotion, hair ties, tacky Halloween decorations, 3 packs of underwear for some reason, and yes, even tonic water, shelves upon shelves on tonic water. I looked up and realized I had been walking for ten minutes and still could not see the end to the aisles.
Could this be the afterlife? Was this magnificent, austere Rite Aid all that was in store for us? I grabbed a pack of on-sale gummi worms and made my way to the registers, to search for answers. I reached the counter and again I found the same old lady that greeted me.
“Are you the only employee here?”
“My dear, this is a Rite Aid. Of course we’re understaffed.” She said with a wise smile. “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”
“No. I need to know what this place is.”
The old woman chuckled. “That’ll be $2.06,” she replied.
I swiped my card through the machine. It buzzed annoyingly.
“It’s one of those chip-reading ones they just unnecessarily invented,” she explained.
I stuck my card into the reader and felt a hard shock. I hurried to grab my card and got another jolt. I blinked and the next thing I saw were two paramedics above me, holding a defibrillator.
“Sir, are you ok?!”

I smiled knowingly. “Yes.” I told them. “We’re all going to be alright.”

Local Naïve Freshman Doesn’t Know She Wants to Be Dead Yet

By: Riley Weber
“College is so amazing. I love the people, the city and my classes. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life,” were the words freshman Tess Kopanski tweeted after her first week of classes. This tweet, along with several other joyful tweets sent shortly thereafter, have sent ripples through the upperclassmen community who all thought, in unison, “Aw, that’s adorable.”

Several upperclassmen were available for comment on the tweet and its stupidity. “Oh boy is this little Tess in for a surprise,” junior Marissa Route declared. “It’s a week in and I’m already drowning. I’ve got hours of work every night, balancing that with lab volunteering. Add that to the job I work over the weekends because I’m dirt broke and there you have it. I would LOVE to be dead.” At the time of the tweet, Kopanski had not even taken a single midterm yet, prompting the statement from sophomore Karl Stotten, “Last year I had two midterms and an essay due on the same day, another midterm and essay due the next day, then a full lab report due the next. I would have welcomed death’s cold kiss right then and there.”

Another student, senior Jared Leroy, gave us his version of events. “Haha. Hahaha. Ha. Good. But hey, could you do me a favor and swing that board full of nails at my head?” When Kopanski was told of her folly by almost everyone, she scoffed. “I took 3 AP classes in high school, while leading two clubs and having a job, how hard could it be? Being alive is really great!” More on this story as it develops.