An Open Letter To The Guy That Is Going To Date My Best Friend

By Shannon Kelly
 
Have you met Shelly? She’s the worst. The absolute worst. The worst human being. Why would you want to date her? I’ve been her friends for over 10 years and trust me, you don’t want to spend too much time with her. I’ll just tell you about a few things Shelly does that makes her an absolute screw-up. Shelly once drank half a glass of wine and tried to steal our neighbor’s dog by scaling their five foot fence at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday. 

Shelly once told me she likes snacking in her bed because the crumbs remind her of the texture of the beach. Shelly’s New Year’s kiss this year was with our Lyft driver. Shelly once woke up from a nap to the sound of an ambulance siren outside and said “at this hour?” Last weekend, Shelly spent four hours on the phone with a call center to get refunded a 59-cent shipping fee. 

Shelly once forced me to watch an hour long taped recording of Saved by the Bell: On Ice. When her sister was between the ages of 5 and 11, Shelly would leave notes underneath her sister’s pillow once a month in cut-up magazine letters saying “Lucky isn’t on that farm, he’s buried in the backyard.” Every time I complain about rent, Shelly sends me an email with the subject line “Problem $olved” and a link to a new Sugar Daddy website. When I asked why Shelly’s purse smelled like bananas, she responded “because I keep bananas in there.”  Overall, she’s the worst. Please don’t date her.

How To Break The Ice On A First Date

 by Jessica Simpson
 

1. Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant like Olive Garden.  Bitches love pasta.
2. Take a lesson from Pathfinders and avoid traditional ice-breaking techniques.
3. Buy an ice sculpture in the shape of a giant cube, a swan, or Cupid.
4. Carry said sculpture with you in a red wagon to the restaurant. Beware of bumps on the sidewalk or people mistaking the sculpture for your child.
5. Arrive at the restaurant 15 minutes before your date.  The element of surprise is vital.
6. Have a waiter bring the ice to your table after you’ve eaten all of the breadsticks.
7. Take out your spare hammer, knife, or small chainsaw and start to hit the sculpture violently.  Put your back into it.  The cold never bothered you anyway.
8. Don’t forget to bring an extra hammer, knife, or small chainsaw for your date—you can’t break the ice alone.
9. The ice must not melt!  Vanilla Ice, Ice T, and Ice Cube all recommend that if the task proves too slippery, you and your potential lover must tackle the sculpture.
10. If that doesn’t work out just crush some ice cubes from a glass of water with your fist and call it a day.