I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

No description available.

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in






Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz

Couple Who Shares the Same Friend Group Breaks Up, Custody Battle Ensues

By Megan Klein

Two days ago, Juniors James Moore and Kelly Adams split. In what may be coined, “The Worst Break-Up of This Week,” a couple who actively shares the same friend group is now faced with a lengthy custody battle over who gets the friends. A series of passive aggressive and overdramatic sub-tweets about each other was discovered.

The Pittiful News learned that a custody agreement may or may not be in the works. After James drunkenly made an appearance at Kelly’s ABC party (Anything But Clothes), and belligerently asked to “slap all the bitches,” he asked Kelly to be, “Friends With Benefits Casual Exclusive.” An unnamed source confirms, “James still loves Kelly. But she already slept with two of his three roommates and her hot Natural Disasters TA, who told her that she’s def ‘getting an A+’ in the class.”

This unfortunate circumstance may become an even split between genders in the friend group, minus James’s super cute friend Kate, who has consistently been close with James in what they call, “just best friends,” and “just like siblings!”

Kelly has adamantly claimed extra Chipotle support for the multiple times she dealt with him “not texting back,” or for taking care of him that time he ate shrooms, and ran through South O. stark naked, shouting, “Fuck the Police!” and, “The Bees! Not the Bees!”
At the time of press, neither  James nor his “Pre-Law” representative responded for comment.