I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in

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Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz

Pregnancy Scares Proved To Be Most Effective Form Of Hiccup Prevention

By Critter Fink

A recent study proved that hiccups are really only able to be cast from the body from a very serious fright. The fright proven to be most effective is a solid pregnancy scare. Researcher of science, Bob Bergér, said, “Hiccupoptomus Pneumonia has long confused and stumped the scientific community. It’s always been clear that inducing terror will rid your body of the hiccups the most effectively.” The most efficient terror has long eluded researchers.

Bergër conducted significant research in the art of fear. He tested the abilities of sudden chainsaw, snakes being thrown at the face, a hard cantaloupe thrown at the teets, a mother’s disappointment being reemphasized, 666, dank memes quickly shoved into all of your orifices, and the suburban hell of driving a minivan and cheating on your spouse with someone really ugly.

Unfortunately, these fears did not cure Hiccupotomus in the way that Bęrgêr wanted. But when female participants were shown a two dollar pregnancy test confirming that they were pregnant, the hiccups left their body immediately. Male participants were just told that the girl they hooked up with last Wednesday decided to keep the baby and their hiccups also dissipated immediately. Bėrgë᷁r then told them that it was just a pregnancy scare and their heart rates all returned to normal levels, but with no hiccups. “Life changing research like this is the way of the future,” Berger said.