I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

No description available.

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in






Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz

Jeffrey Chaucer Pays Surprise Visit To Cup and Chaucer Café

By Louis Lobron
Patrons of Hillman Library’s Cup and Chaucer cafe received a surprise this Thursday afternoon when none other than renowned tale-spinner and cafe founder Geoffrey Chaucer made an unprecedented appearance in the pseudo-Starbucks chill-out spot. 
Though Chaucer was initially met with utter and complete indifference, he eventually invited a few dubious stares as he addressed what he described to our reporters as a “tough crowd”. In his most eloquent middle-english, Chaucer dynamically recounted the first days of the cafe. “When Sir Cup and I had the idea to start a coffee-shop 800 years ago, everybody in England was all like “what’s a coffee shop?, and what’s coffee? and “this is what you get for being a liberal arts major, Jeff” , but we persisted, and by way of charging $4 for small cups of sugary, mildly caffeinated beverages, we made it work Goddamnit, and look how far our creation has come,” Chaucer spoke through a translator, and not without nostalgic, nostalgic tears. 

Customers of the cafe, as well as regular library-goers who just like the mellow vibe back there, did not, however, receive Chaucer well at all. “They should really start asking for ID during the day” said disgruntled student Colin Foles, adding “I just want to sit here and watch CollegeHumor videos and avoid responsibility in peace”. When library security noticed Chaucer, they assumed the legendary author was simply a vagrant off the street, and briskly escorted him from the premises, in spite of his protests. “The Knight’s Tale, The Reave’s Tale, The Miller’s Tale, don’t you remember? I made your high school English classes magical!” objected the saucy medieval wordsmith. 

When reached for comment, Pitt English department chair Don Bialotosky inquired “Isn’t the Miller’s Tale the one about farts?”.