I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in

5            

4

3

2

1

Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz

Local Man Files Bankruptcy After Strictly Following DJ Khaled’s Keys to Success

By Danial Smith

A local man, who wishes to remain anonymous, has recently filed a petition of voluntary bankruptcy after following DJ Khaled’s keys to success. Over the past several months, DJ Khaled has spread his inspirational “keys to success” via the popular app Snapchat. With a net worth of approximately $18 million, Khaled lives a luxurious lifestyle which includes a personal chef, weekly massages and haircuts, and regular jet ski trips.

According to the petition, the man’s liabilities are listed at around $18,000. Creditors include Catherine’s Personal Chef Service, Chop Chop Landscaping, Bombardier Recreational Products, and several others. “DJ Khaled said that getting massages and fresh cuts every week was a major key! He told me to ride with him through the journey of more success!” 

The man provided us with a standard daily routine for the past month. “I would wake up in the morning and walk to the kitchen and ask Chef Cathy what we got for breakfast. Then I would go outside and water my flowers and relax for a bit. It’s all about the vibes. LION!!! Then I’d lay on my hammock, sometimes smoking a cigar. I usually think about staying positive and keeping good vibes going. Then, I’d eat lunch because they don’t want us to enjoy it. Later I usually ride my jet ski for a few hours. After riding around for a while, I’d pull up to my friend’s house and we’d hang out for a bit. At night I relax in my hot tub and drink some Apple Ciroc. It’s important to celebrate success responsibly.” Without a source of steady income, the man found that he was rapidly accumulating debt. What began as a sort of New Year’s resolution came to a swift conclusion after a little over a month. “I don’t know what went wrong. I guess I played myself.”