Gym Rats Implement "Elbow Day"

By Ariel Pastore

Last Thursday, also known as “Pecs and Lats Day,” two bros pumpin’ iron felt that these designated lift days leave out several important muscle groups. Brock and Clifton discussed it amongst themselves at an extremely loud whisper so everyone at the gym could hear.

After several minutes, people began to crowd around the bros to hear their insightful conversation. Power couple Jack and Stacey from West Virginia, who are actually brother and sister as well as lovers, said that they heard the conversation very clearly. Stacey said, “I was mixing my 20g protein shake and I heard the most smartest thing ever, Brock and Clifton want to implement ‘Elbow Day.’ They are geniuses.” According to the bros, everyone has a very weak elbow muscle and it needs its own day. On Friday, usually known as “Bi’s and Tri’s Day,” Brock and Clifton shocked the gym when they came in with their “Elbow Day” lift. To begin the lift they first warmed up their elbows.
According to the best way to warm up an elbow is to suck on it, with special attention to the wenis. Since no one can suck on their own elbow, Clifton and Brock took turns doing this for each other. At first, the gym rats looked at them weird and continued workin’ dat bar, but as the bros suckled each other people changed their opinions. Soon enough every elbow in the gym had been suckled by a fellow gym rat and they began the drying process. Before one can begin the “Elbow Lift,” they must properly dry off the elbow, with special attention to the wenis. The wenis is slang for the latin word wenical erectus, which is the muscle that controls all gestures, movements, and wanking motions.
One must be attentive to the wenical erectus as it is prone to injuries such as tendonitis and concussions. To avoid injury recommends that you sing a rendition of Mariah Carey’s, “Touch My Body” and wrap the wenical erectus with sportstape. After every meathead finished wrapping to Mariah Carey the lift began.

Reportedly, the lift consisted of opening jars, cans, and doors, over and over again. By the end of the lift, the bros and the rest of the gym rats had opened 42 cans of sardines, 17 cans of diced tomatoes, 53 jars of clam juice, 68 jars of roasted beets, and a whopping 77 doors. Unfortunately, these food products went to waste because they are all on strict “no carb, no sugar, no preservative, no happiness, no salt” diets.

Mark Zuckerberg is Coming to Your Wedding!

By Riley Weber

You have one new Facebook notification. Hey! Hey you, Facebook user! Do you know what Mark Zuckerberg is up to? Do you care? Perhaps even give a rat’s ass? If not, too bad! This is Facebook telling you His exact activities and whereabouts for the past 96 hours, enjoy! Man, this Mark Zuckerberg fellow is wonderful, isn’t He? You all love Him. You know what would be amazing? If He came to your wedding. Oh, wait. He is! Thanks to the event you planned through Facebook, Mark has been alerted of your existence and would like to grace you with His presence! Thought that event was private? Nope! Mark knows. Mark knows everything. Mark is The All-Seeing, All-Knowing, Far-Reaching Deity of One Billion Glorious Eyes. You know what would also be fantastic? If he live streamed the wedding! Luckily for you, His Benevolent Presence has decided justly so! Mark Zuckerberg will be live streaming your entire wedding day to all 1.6 Billion Facebook users worldwide. Everyone will be watching! Everyone WILL be watching. The live stream will be beamed into your brain by any means necessary so that the entire world will know His Sacred Name and the grace and mercy with which He treats His Subservient Masses. Imagine your beautiful honeymoon night; a luxurious hotel suite, a bottle of the finest wine, Mark Zuckerberg and His Magnificent Camera streaming your every thrust. It’s what you’ve always wanted. You’ve dreamed of that day since you were a young boy. Facebook wasn’t around when you were young? Not true. Facebook has always been present. Facebook is The Immaculate Throne upon which Our Lauded Regent Mark Zuckerberg rests His Exalted Buttocks. Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, see you again tomorrow!

Student Sells Body Parts for New Minimalist Lifestyle

By Dana Good

Since the minute she stepped foot on campus, Samantha Brown was constantly told she needs to go to graduate school. After doing some research, Brown was slightly disheartened by the high cost, but found a new positive outlook on the situation, “I didn’t think it was going to be that expensive, but I’m not too worried about paying for it. I found out that in Mexico City they pay $55,000 just for a kidney. That got me thinking—I can sell all of these body parts I have no use for and pay for grad school. It’s very chic.”
Brown told the Pittiful News about which body parts she plans on harvesting and selling over the course of the next few years, “I never really listen to what other people say and I have this cool cartilage piercing, so I’ll probably cut off both of my ears and sell them the next time I’m in Cancun. I also don’t have much use for my left leg; I feel like it just kind of weighs me down and makes putting on pants much harder than is necessary so that’ll go, too.” She continued to tell our reporter that washing her hair and washing her hands has become very tiresome so it’s likely that she will scalp herself and cut off both of her hands (including forearms) just to make life a little easier. “Also,” said Brown, “I feel like large intestines are so 2009 and same goes for every single one of my white and red blood cells. Like who needs those? It’s just clutter.” Brown told the Pittiful News that she is looking forward to a much more efficient lifestyle, and now she will have a lot more free time to do the things she enjoys, as she won’t be so preoccupied “lugging around that body of hers”.

Undiscovered Pittsburgh Summer Activities

By Ossia Dwyer

It’s finally getting warmer in this ice tray we call Pittsburgh and that means time to explore this coal mecca we call home.  Now that Downtown is not constantly masked in a cool black smog, there is plenty to do and it’s safe to go outside.  Here are some ideas if you are looking to explore off the beaten path.
If you want to spend more time on Pittsburgh’s rivers…..
Try Crusty Pete’s Island Adventure Tours.  Join Crusty Pete and his trusty boat-themed pick-up truck the SS Grundle for a look at some of Pittsburgh’s best spots on the river.  This tour meets in the parking lot near the sketchy back part of the casino.  Life jackets not recommended. Thursdays are Billy Joel theme nights.  Tours only meet Thursday nights.
If you want to spend more time longboarding…
Try the Glass, Sharp Rocks, and Dry Concrete Pile.  Located in the weird section of town between Downtown and the South Side, the GSRDCP has all the pain, residual scratches, and embarrassment of learning how to longboard at only double the cost.  A ticket gets you a full day of all the pile activities you could ever think of.  Only Diner Club cards are accepted as payment.  Not associated with the Loose Gravel Emporium.
If you love the views off of the Duquesne Incline…..

Try the Window Washing Platform of Terror.  For thrill seekers of all ages, this experience will be one you may forget but only because of the residual concussions.  Hop on these formally blasé pieces of metal and toe the line of death when the cables are suddenly cut totally on purpose.  No refunds if platform doesn’t actually fall.  Check out our ad in the back of Steel City Vixens: Pittsburgh’s only softcore and ore themed adult magazine.

This Letter is for the Police

By Elisa Ogot

Hi Police!

It’s me, Elisa. I guess if you’re here and you’re reading this, I have been murdered (RIP). In which case, ha! I was right! I know who did it. It hands down has gotta be Todd. Man, the craziest part about all of this is that I saw the signs, but haha he still got me!

First of all, his name is freaking Todd. Raise your hand if you’ve ever met a Todd that wasn’t almost certainly a murderer…am I right, officers? All jokes aside, Todd and I have worked together for seven months now and it seems as though his long, lanky frame is lurking every way I turn. Like literally every way. I would say that about once a day I round a corner at work and I find him standing stock still in front of me, whispering about the number of Olive Gardens that he would like to take me to (27 at last count). One time, I asked him to help me find something in the stockroom at work and he just looked up and held my gaze for a full fifteen seconds before answering, The answer he gave wasn’t even relevant! I said “Todd…where do we keep the USB sticks?” And after fifteen seconds of unblinking, mouth breathing hell he responded with “Do you think these are Formica or glazed ceramic tile countertops?”

I told my friends about all of these incidents to try and get their take on things and each one of them gave me responses like “Awww, he thinks you’re cute!” or “He just wants to date you!” Well, jokes on you guys because that was not the case! The reddest of flags should have been raised a couple of days ago, when he came up behind me and whispered directly into my ear that he’d been watching me for the “entire duration” of my shift. I remember thinking “Wow, duration! Great word! Stellar vocabulary!” But now I’m not thinking anything. Because of rigor mortis setting in, my brain ceasing to function, you know, standard corpse stuff…

Anyway cool! That’s really all that I wanted to tell you. Go arrest him now please!
Love you, miss you, bye,


Really Cool Places to Visit Before You Die

By Jess Simpson

  1. 15 Yemen Road, Yemen
  2. The Baltimore Ann Taylor
  3. The ripped backseat of my mom’s Nissan minivan (license plate: FRQ892)
  4. Lord Farquaad’s castle
  5. Allegheny County Jail parking space number 5

  6. The Jonas Brothers’s reunion concert in Madison Square 2023
  7. Vladimir Putin’s 20 backyards
  8. The alley behind Corso St in Rome, Italy
  9. 37.0000000000000000000000001 ° latitude, 54.3578° longitude
  10. The goat farm owned by Cheyanne Neuenschwander’s family in Virginia

“Kayden” Declared Most Popular Name for Toilet Babies

By Holly Stavarski

Every year, expectant mothers await for Social Security Administration and to release their list of “Most Popular Baby Names” in hopes that it will help them in their search for something to call their little bundle of joy. This year the SSA has decided to expand their demographic to those women who do not know that they are expecting.
“Since the dawn of time, there have been women who have carried a baby to full term without knowing that they were pregnant,” said Chairman Art Winney. “Many of them are unprepared and have not spent the appropriate nine months of slaving away at trying to decide what they should name their baby.”
In order to give these mom’s a helping hand, the SSA has collected data from the show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to come up with a full list of names for babies who were born in the commode.

“The name ‘Kayden’ won by a landslide, but the names ‘Brooklynn’, ‘Uhh… Toothbrush?’, and ‘Plop’ were also fairly popular.”
Though Chairman Winney is unsure if this list will be utilized by new mothers who were caught off guard, stating “They certainly haven’t used the lists we have made in the past.” He is sure that names that have been long debated, like his own name, “Art,” turn out much better.

Most Fuckable Monsters

By Holly Stavarski

Every time you watch a horror movie you wrack your brain trying to answer the age old question, “Would I fuck this monster?” Don’t let this get in your way of enjoying a movie again! I’ve already thought about it for you, and your answer lies here in this comprehensive list of Most Fuckable Monsters.

5.  Ghosts
The ghosts depicted in horror movies are all usually on the Least Fuckable Monsters list because they are always some asshole demon that is out to kill the family that just bought the creepy farmhouse in the woods. But if you’ve never had one yank you out of bed by your ankle in the middle of the night and slam you up against the ceiling then boy oh boy are you not doing it right. Ghosts are the ultimate lovers if you like it rough and terrifying. Though this may not sound like they deserve their spot near the top of this list, then you are forgetting that there is always a possibility that the ghost could be Patrick Swayze and you can reenact that sexy pottery scene from the hit movie “Ghost.”

4. Slenderman
They don’t call him slender for nothing! But don’t let that discourage any of you size queens. He has multiple tentacles that he employs when he is aroused. Imagine the possibilities! If tentacles aren’t your thing, wait until he sucks you into the realm of darkness that is accompanied by the sweet sounds of children’s screams. He will have you squealing with delight!

3. Vampires
When people hear the word ‘vampire’ they think of the sparkly, romanticized version of the creatures that appear in the “Twilight” saga. Unfortunately the tweens that fell in love with Edward Cullen are missing out. Vampires as depicted in old Eastern European folktale are ancient creatures with translucent skin, scraggly unkempt hair, beady black eyes, and long fingernails – a look exponentially sexier than a 25-year-old British actor. If not for their ghoulish appearance, perhaps you may be drawn in by their ability to hypnotize and seduce you into dark, erotic adventures. And what is even more sexy is that they don’t let ‘that time of the month’ get in the way!

2. Frankenstein
The idea of multiple reanimated corpses mashed together to form one body is unappealing to some people, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The clumsiness of foreign parts that don’t belong to that brain will give you varying feelings of pleasure and will always leave you guessing what’s next. Not to mention that those cold limbs are coursing with enough electricity to leave a tingle up your spine.

1. Slimer

I know what some of you may be thinking, “Isn’t that the mischievous ghost from the Ghostbusters series and wouldn’t that mean he should be categorized with the other ghosts?” Yes, but you’re wrong. Slimer is not a ghost, he is a sex GOD. If you have seen him going to town on any food that is left laying around then you know how well he is going to ravage that pussy/bussy. And not to be too technical, but Slimer is made of pure ectoplasm, so he is always wet and ready to go.

Ted Cruz Eats A Whole Tub Of Cottage Cheese Every Day

By Hannah Lynn

According to several reports, GOP presidential candidate and current Texas senator Ted Cruz eats an entire tub of cottage cheese everyday for breakfast. While initially seen as a simple quirk, it evolved into something more sinister.

Jebidiah Turner, an aide on the Cruz campaign trail, noticed the senator’s habits but didn’t think much of it. “The first time I saw him do it I thought, ‘Man, this guy sure like his cottage cheese! Nothin’ wrong with that. Nothin’ wrong with some [gagging sound] curdled cheese,” Turner said. But as time wore on, it became clear that this was more than just a cute Cruz quirk. “By the ninth time I saw this man slurping that [gagging sound] curd, I knew that there was a deep problem.”

Cottage cheese is a “soft, lumpy white cheese made from the [gagging] curds of slightly soured milk.” It is made by coagulating the milk until it [gag] curdles.

“Can I say that it didn’t nauseate me at first? No I can’t. Of course seeing that saggy-faced loser slurp down lumpy sour cheese horrified me to my core,” said Horace Cartwell, Cruz’s top advisor. “But this is a free country, and the GOP firmly believes in not interfering with individual rights, no matter how offensive they may be.”

According to Turner, Cruz’s wife Heidi has suggested on numerous occasions that her husband ease up on the cottage cheese, because it was taking up too much time and money. However according to Cartwell, they’re in on it together. “Heidi is his biggest, and often only, supporter in all endeavors, including cottage cheese. In fact it’s how they met! I know for a fact that if he loses this election, they’re leaving politics and opening up their own business: Cruz Curds [full on vomiting].”

Remarkably, Ted Cruz could be reached for comment, but when his assistant asked if it was okay if he ate his breakfast during the interview, threw the phone at the wall.