Study: Teachers Who Allow Formula Sheets Have Bigger Dicks

By Phil Forrence

A recent study out of the University of Pittsburgh suggests that professors who allow students to use custom formula sheets on math, science, or engineering tests have a heftier endowment than those who do not.

“Well, hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” said Dr. James Townsend. “Just because a professor allows equation sheets on midterms doesn’t necessarily mean he has a larger inseam.” Trends don’t control the reality of the individual, he explained. “In my case though, yeah, I got one swinging peen.”

Dr. Samuel Lincoln is the head of the Computer Engineering department at Pitt. “We should be careful talking about these studies,” said Lincoln. “Correlation isn’t causation. Just because I allow my students a single note card, front and back, for each Micro-Electronics test, doesn’t mean I have a Johnson worth singing about.” There is not necessarily a one to one relationship between allowing flashcards and a large penis. “But if we’re talking specifically about me, yeah, I got one slangin’ bangin’ sex nightmare.”

“It’s actually an old teaching adage that if you allow equation sheets, you might have a more expansive ‘manhood’,” explains Dr. Elizabeth Brooks, professor of chemical engineering at Pitt. “In my experience, that isn’t true 100% of the time.” Here, she implicates anecdotal evidence that not all teachers who help their students out have the aforementioned enhanced state of being. “If we’re talking about me though, I got one enormous hanky-panky stanky love making monstrosity.”

I Lived It: My Death

By Riley Weber

For as long as humans have existed, philosophers and laymen alike have wondered, is there life after death? Many speculate, but I believe that I finally have the answer. Following a recent near death experience, I witnessed the afterlife firsthand and came back to tell the tale. Here is my incredible story.
Image result for bright lights
It began as I was running late for class. I had just gotten coffee from Starbucks, and needed to rush across Fifth Avenue. I was so focused on drinking coffee and watching this great gif on my phone, you know, the one with the cat on the hoverboard, that I forgot to look left. All I can recall was a flash of red, a loud horn and then things went black. Next, I felt a gust of cool, neat air blowing past my face. I looked up and saw a bright fluorescent light, near blinding. The air smelled clean and artificial. I heard the soft beeps of a checkout line and I knew I could only be in one place, a Rite Aid. I took a step inside and a kind-looking old woman handed me a smiley sticker.

“Do stores still do this?” I asked
“Here we do, sweet child.” She said, and began to shuffle away.
Puzzled, I began to look around. I looked down an aisle and it seemed to carry on endlessly. The next one appeared to as well. I walked perpendicular to the aisles, examining the wares. The shelves were pristinely stocked with anything you could need; Easy Mac, lotion, hair ties, tacky Halloween decorations, 3 packs of underwear for some reason, and yes, even tonic water, shelves upon shelves on tonic water. I looked up and realized I had been walking for ten minutes and still could not see the end to the aisles.
Could this be the afterlife? Was this magnificent, austere Rite Aid all that was in store for us? I grabbed a pack of on-sale gummi worms and made my way to the registers, to search for answers. I reached the counter and again I found the same old lady that greeted me.
“Are you the only employee here?”
“My dear, this is a Rite Aid. Of course we’re understaffed.” She said with a wise smile. “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”
“No. I need to know what this place is.”
The old woman chuckled. “That’ll be $2.06,” she replied.
I swiped my card through the machine. It buzzed annoyingly.
“It’s one of those chip-reading ones they just unnecessarily invented,” she explained.
I stuck my card into the reader and felt a hard shock. I hurried to grab my card and got another jolt. I blinked and the next thing I saw were two paramedics above me, holding a defibrillator.
“Sir, are you ok?!”

I smiled knowingly. “Yes.” I told them. “We’re all going to be alright.”

Op/Ed: People I Would Elect Before Donald Trump

By Dan Smith

Image result for hillary clinton and bernie sanders

-Bernie Sanders
-Hillary Clinton
-Elizabeth Warren
-Michelle Obama
-Stephen Colbert
-John Stewart
-Lil B
-John Green
-Kanye West
-Ophelia from Market Central
-Chance the Rapper
-My mom
-Emma Watson
-Vermin Supreme
-Ellen Degeneres
-Leslie Knope
-The hacker from Cyberchase
-Finn the Human
-Alex Trebek
-Literally any cat
-Joe Biden
-Roc the Panther
-Lincoln Chafee
-Jimmy McMillan
-Hulk Hogan
-Steve Harvey
-The moon emoji
-Billy Ray Cyrus
-Bill Murray -Either of the Sprouse twins -Both of the Sprouse twins -Louis C K -Al Gore -A dead squirrel -Morgan Freeman -Beyoncé -Jaden Smith -Bryan Cranston
-John Cena
-An ant farm

Two ant farms

Survival Guide for When You Forget Your Headphones

By Jessica Simpson

Everyone knows the dreaded feeling of looking in your pockets only to realize you forget your headphones at home. Now you have to be alone with your thoughts. What a nightmare! We’ve created this handy survival guide for what to do if you should encounter such a fate.Image result for dramatic dmitry

-If you’re “studying” and you “take a break” to watch Netflix, just put it on mute and turn on the captions.  Reading is important!
-Sing to yourself! If people stare it’s just because you’re a talented human and they’re jealous.
-Find an appropriate public place to play your tunes aloud without people giving you withering stares.
-Cave and buy new, extremely overpriced headphones, conveniently found at your local Pitt shop or drugstore retailer.  
-Steal someone’s headphones (please don’t).
-Skip your class, abandon all of your responsibilities and go home to get your headphones.  Priorities.
-Walk very close to people wearing headphones—close enough that it’s not creepy but you can still hear the music—one to two feet away is acceptable.  Avoid restraining orders.  
-Allow yourself to have an epiphany that you don’t actually need your headphones.  You only need to open yourself up to the beautiful world around you.  Meditate! Write a poem! Make a friend!

-Find sticks, seashells, what-have you that resembles earphones.  Put them in your ears and pretend they are headphones.  If you can’t actually listen to music you might as well blend in!

Professor Sleeps with Student to Raise Rate My Professors Score

By Leo Corman
Image result for black college professor
Pitt professor Joseph Schmoe has become the subject of significant controversy after news surfaced today that he had sex with one of his students in an attempt to raise his subpar rating on the popular website
According to Schmoe, it all began last year when, against his better judgment, he looked up his own Rate My Professors score. “I was absolutely taken aback. Sure, maybe I’m not the best professor out there,” said Schmoe, visibly distressed. “Maybe I’m not the easiest, or the friendliest, or the most attractive, but Jesus Christ, I’m a college professor, not your Hooters waitress. And 1.2? 1.2! I know damn well that I’m not a 1.2!”

It wasn’t just the low overall rating, by far the worst in his department, that upset Schmoe, but the content of the students’ comments as well: “I read through all 127 student ratings, and many were simply ridiculous. ‘Talks too much.’ It’s a lecture, what the hell am I supposed to do? Should I just stand there and stare at you? ‘Know-it-all.’ Really? You want a professor that doesn’t know anything? That’s what you’d prefer? ‘Looks like Herbert from Family Guy.’ That’s completely irrelevant, and I do not! I’m 35 years old, and there’s absolutely no resemblance whatsoever!”
Schmoe says he felt helpless. “I just wanted one honest, fair rating, one that reflects what I deserve for all the effort I’ve put in, and it seemed like I had no way of getting that. I have way too much integrity to go online and falsify my own rating … so I decided to sleep with that girl in the hope that she might give me a good rating. Was it a smart idea? No. Will I lose my job? Probably. Did she give me a good rating? Last time I checked, she has not. Honestly, I’d give the whole experience a 1.2/5.”
When asked about the incident, Schmoe’s wife, Jean, said, “I just feel sorry for that poor girl. I mean, you think Joe is bad at teaching – just wait until you have to sleep with him.”

"No Looking Back Now," Says Man with Stiff Neck

By Leo Corman

Local man Owen Miller woke up this morning with a stiff neck, but he remained determined not to let that ruin his day. “I just can’t look back, I have to keep moving forward,” explained Miller. “Like I really, really can’t look back.” Unfortunately, Miller’s day did not improve from there.

Miller’s neck of the woods is out in the country—you could even call him a redneck. Lately, though, maintaining such a large, rural property has become a yoke around Miller’s neck. Miller’s many household duties (and a little too much necking with his wife) left him running late to his job as an electrical engineer in the city, forcing him to drive at a break-neck pace to cover the considerable distance.

After sitting in a traffic jam caused by a bunch of rubberneckers and arriving 45 minutes late to work, Miller’s troubles continued. Because he stuck his neck out on a recent project that went awry, Miller’s boss has been constantly breathing down his neck. A promotion he’s competing for compounded Miller’s worries.“The guy I’m up against almost seems dead from the neck up, he’s just so dense. Yet somehow, we’re neck and neck for the position,” said Miller, exasperated. Miller tried to have a productive day, but he was so completely up to his neck responding to emails and memos that he could barely get anything done.

Worsening this situation was a call from his 9-year-old son’s school at 1pm, saying that his son stole a girl’s necklace and was suspended. Miller left work and drove to his son’s school, where he walked into the principal’s office, grabbed his son by the scruff of the neck, and took him home. Despite his initial optimism, Miller had to admit that today had been one big pain in the neck. “My neck still fucking hurts,” he added.

Seven Years After Its Release, Miley Cyrus’s "The Climb" Still Inspires

By Elisa Ogot

Seven years ago, as part of the soundtrack for the seminal classic “Hannah Montana: The Movie,” Miley Cyrus released one of the most uplifting tracks of the century: “The Climb.” Today, Cyrus’s anthem of hope and perseverance is still helping people work through trying times in their lives. In celebration of the “The Climb’s” seven year anniversary, we reached out into the community and got some people to share their testimonials on how “The Climb” has changed their lives.

Peter Prentice, a Junior at Pittsburgh University, told us that one night he had “taken about two cases of Keystone Light to the head” and only by the grace of Miley and her words did he make it home safe, sound, and without “barf blasting out of me like bullets out of a Beretta.”

Darcy Fields, an Oakland construction site supervisor, revealed that she was  jumped one evening after heading home late from the site where she works. “Yeah, oh my gosh it was like the scariest thing! But something told me to just start singing “The Climb” to my assailant. By the time I got to the chorus, he had stopped absolutely going to town on my face! I suffered several cracked ribs that night, but I only ruptured like one of my kidneys! I credit that all to Miley.”

Hattie McDaniel, an employee at a local Foot Locker and single mother of three, sent us maybe the most powerful anecdote of the bunch. “A year ago, our family house burned to the ground.” she told us. “We’re still unsure how the fire started, but I was in the basement watching a movie with my kids when all of a sudden we smelled smoke. Then we saw the flames. I took my babies’ hands and began to hurry them towards the stairs. I just kept telling them ‘keep moving, keep climbing, keep the faith, keep the faith’. I knew Miley would guide us to safety.” Unfortunately, one of Hattie’s children did not “keep moving” or “keep climbing” and was lost in the blaze. When we offered Hattie our condolences after hearing this news, she took a beat and then replied, “It’s always gonna be an uphill battle…somebody’s gonna have to lose….”

Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space

By Megan Klein


 Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space After Loving Speaker, Yilo Miannopoulos Preaches Equality.

Shouts of protest lauded the William Pitt Assembly room as Yilo Miannopolous, world renowned liberal “love-speaker”, preached messages of egalitarianism. Yilo is known for her work in Africa and the UN as an Equality-Ambassador. Pitt Police expected this event to be semi-chaotic, brought to campus by the student organization Freedom Unity Compassion Kindness Sympathy. This organization is known around campus for creating active and arousing campaigns to be better people.

“They don’t even support Trump,” crooned Ryan Campbell, a junior and avid Conservative activist. “I want to speak my opinion, which is we need to make America great again.” Ryan currently is working on Donald Trump’s campaign, and is an avid Neo-Nazi.

As the night heated up, more students became bothered by the discussion.

“I am outraged they brought this speaker to campus. Why should we treat each other with respect? I think all white males deserve to have their voice heard. We are the minority. We are under-represented on this campus and on this earth,” said fifth-year finance major Josh Williams, before snorting another line of cocaine, and calling his dad to add money to his bank account for alcohol.  “We need a hate space so I can speak my truths.”

Students began to leave, and petition the Student Government Board for agreeing to aid in the funding of this speaker. Many brought signs to hold up during the speech, some of which read:

“I feel unsafe.”
“I have a friend who has everything he needs in life, and he’s still unhappy.”
“Women and children don’t matter.”

Ryan Campbell finished with a bravado as he left the speech to enter the hate space,
“I feel unsafe in the space that calls to action understanding differences in race and culture, and appreciating those differences. I demand cultural appropriation.”

The hate space provides a place for students to promote negative energy and thoughts. Students there started a podcast called “The Hating Hour” where they talk about some of their favorite fascist figures. You can find it somewhere on a dark subpage of reddit.

When Pittiful News reached out to SGB asking why they agreed to fund Miannopolous, they responded with “no comment.”

For more updates, follow the Pittiful News on Twitter: @PittifulNews

Local Student Opens Bong Summer Camp

By Ossia Dwyer

One simple idea has skyrocketed local student Vance Mulroney from Oakland burnout to well known ‘ganjapreneur.’  Frustrated last summer with the scramble to find a place for the bong he bought with some money his grandparents gave him, Mulroney thought other people may be suffering a similar problem.  “I had all of this extra space in my house on Lawn Street and like no one ever comes here because of that creepy murder house,” says Vance. “And ever since I started smoking weed in college to look cool and fit in, I have felt a passion for bongs that is definitely not just because all of my friends also feel that way.”

Mulroney makes sure that each of his campers has the excellent summer experience their parents pay for.  There classic summer camp amenities such as a lake created from a faulty sump pump, a ropes course created from the yarn that holds the tapestry over the broken bathroom door, and an arts and crafts station where campers can make hemp necklaces.  Each proud parent is promised one letter a week complete with a concealed blunt for those long summers living with your parents.

With business booming, expanding seemed like a natural progression.  Mulroney has contracted business out to five other Oakland students this summer and making each new camp targeted towards more specific interests.  Look out for the new branch camps with interests such as theatre arts, lacrosse, and dabs.  While this all may seem overly serious for an inanimate object designed to smoke illegal drugs out of, Mulroney insists the care he gives each piece is more than the care most parents can give to their non-glass kids.  Says Mulroney, “Bongs don’t need to eat or sleep.  They are the perfect kids.  Wait what no I’m not high.”

Review of Sentience: Starts Off Strong, Quickly Declines

By Danial Smith

For the past 19 years, I’ve experience the phenomenon known as sentience. Odds are you’re familiar with it. But in case you’re not and are on the fence about trying it, I’m here to help clear up any doubts. Overall, sentience is painfully mediocre. It starts off strong, but quickly declines in quality. The first couple years were pretty unclear and confusing. Most of the time you’re not really sure what’s going on and you’re hungry and upset. After a few years, it hits its peak. The novelty of it all is still relatively fresh, and the crushing realities of this bleak world haven’t quite set in yet. Around the 12th year in, things start to get awkward and uncomfortable. People get meaner and everything gets harder. At this point, it’s all downhill from here. For years to come, you’ll find yourself questioning your very existence and (ironically?) joking about walking into traffic. Overall, the whole experience seems uninspired and quite average. I think my 2.5/5 star rating is being generous.