“Nasty Woman” And 6 Other Donald Trump Phrases to Use in Interviews

By Shannon Kelly

“Please describe yourself.” It’s one of the first things employers ask in an interview, but how to do you convey all of who you are in mere words? Let’s take note from Donald himself.

1. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” Perfect if you’re applying to any retail position! They want to know you have limits, and regular people can push them.
2. “A very good brain.” Business professionals take note! This business-man didn’t get to the position he’s in by not just coming right out and saying how smart he is.
3. “I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” This is the most obvious one. Get it out of the way as early as possible.
4. “A nasty woman” A classic. You’re Nasty—that’s your brand. Make sure employers know what they’re getting into when they hire you.
5. “I know Russia well—I had a major event in Russia two or three years ago. Miss Universe contest, which was a big, big incredible event—an incredible success” It’s hard for employers to trust your organizing skills, so tell them upfront your history with foreign beauty pageants.
6. “I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful” This phrase is useful if you get the classic “why are you qualified for this position” question.
7. “I love Hispanics” This one is a great starter; it shows you’re full of compassion. I would actually start with this phrase even if you’re not prompted to. Handshake then “I love Hispanics”

The New Celebrity Roast

By Jessica Simpson

Comedy Central has made the decision to revamp the celebrity roast after the Rob Lowe/Ann Coulter fiasco, and the Pittiful News has the inside scoop on the new show.  James Franco, Gwyneth Paltrow, Justin Bieber, Martha Stewart, and James Franco have already signed contracts with Comedy Central for the New Celebrity Roast.    

Producers from the Food Network have partnered with Comedy Central in order to redesign the iconic celebrity roast. Celebrities will challenge one another to cook the best roast.  The competition in the kitchen will be much like Masterchef, as professional chefs judge the A-list celebrities and James Franco on their cooking chops.   Before the winner is announced, the celebrities will taste and then critique each other’s dishes, “roast the roast,” if you will.  A rep for Comedy Central explained that it seemed like an appropriate way to continue the spirit of the traditional celebrity roast—the biting jokes—and make it more appealing to a wider range of viewers with legit food.  

The episodes will be divided based on the type of roast the celebrities must cook: Round roast, Chuck roast, Pot Roast, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice, Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake.  Sorry I got carried away, there.  More roasts include Bottom Round Roast, Eye of Round Roast, Tenderloin, James Franco, and Pot Roast again because who doesn’t love a darn good pot roast?  Because of the limited amount of roasts, Comedy Central has announced that the New Celebrity Roast will be broadcast as a miniseries beginning on January 7, 2017 at 8/9 CT.   So make a date with your couch and James Franco and get pumped!

If reading this has made you hungry for a roast, please visit

www.epicurious.com/ingredients/all-about-beef-roasts-from-chuck-to-rump-article.

Nation’s Masochists Rally Behind Trump

By Leo Corman

As Election Day nears and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump struggles to win the support of many key demographics, one prominent group has continued to back him—masochists. “When most people think of masochists, they only think of physical suffering,” said Alec Pain, a spokesperson for the Society of National Masochists, “But we’re all for emotional suffering too.”

Pain and other masochists feel the same distress and anxiety in response to Trump’s divisive rhetoric as many other Americans—that’s the whole point. “I listen to Trump’s narcissistic, hate-filled speeches, and I’m genuinely worried about the future of our country,” said Pain. “And man, what a rush that is!”

While they agree that Trump is entirely unqualified to become President, most masochists cannot resist the urge to vote for a candidate who will bring them so much pleasure. “Every time I hear him talk about that stupid wall I get a little tingling sensation,” admitted David Ouchy, another member of the SNM. “If he became President, just imagine all of the offensive gaffes, the foreign policy blunders, the vague promises unfulfilled … I’m already aroused just thinking about it!”

Thus while most Americans contemplate November 8th with dread, a few might truly be excited by the results.

Study Shows Grown Adults Who Drink a Full Glass of Milk Just Aren’t Right

By Hannah Lynn

A new study by the National Milk Association of America (NMAA) shows that fully grown adults who drink a full glass of milk for pure pleasure, just aren’t right. This study is not endorsed by the FDA, the Dairy Industry, or any of those celebrities who advertised milk in 2007.

“Look, our studies show that when an adult human drinks a full glass of milk, just for the heck of it, there is something fundamentally off about them. Though I can’t say why, we haven’t gotten that far yet,” said Jeana Warner, head researcher at NMAA.

Milk can best be defined as a creamy, opaque substance produced by the mammary glands of mammals, though humans typically only drink cow’s milk straight. It usually comes in several varieties including 1%, Skim, and whole milk.

“If you ever meet a guy that drinks whole milk everyday, run for the fucking hills,” says Warner. “He probably has a greasy middle part and a sick Nancy Reagan obsession. He might carry a rifle or switchblade of sorts.”

Milk drinking usually only lasts through early childhood, as a way to promote healthy bone growth and strength. However some people just can’t quit the cold creamy drink.

UPDATE:

Some adults still like to drink WARM milk.

“Yes actually, there’s been a surprising number of subjects that still want a glass of warm milk before bed,” confirmed Warner. According to the NMAA study, nearly 40% of adults still crave the occasional glass of milk, while 37% of those milk drinkers prefer to drink it warm. WARM. Like from the teat. This is where I lose journalistic objectivity because some things in life are too atrocious. WARM. MILK. Sorry Gary, I just can’t finish this story.

Find a new reporter for your milk beat.

An Open(ed) Letter to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

By I. S. Mills

The Internet is no stranger to “open letters”: those impassioned online rants with little or nothing new to say. Here at the Pittiful News, we believe that real, pen-on-paper, opened letters have a greater power to illuminate the issues that matter. In our quest for transparency, we may have uncovered the next mail scandal of the 2016 election.

Hillary Clinton has been lambasted for holding secret email conversations on a private account during her term as secretary of state, but that’s nothing compared to the overflow of secret physical mail we found hidden in a metal box on ousted DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s private property. Get ready to lambaste again, America, because the following letter gives a whole new meaning to “irresponsible”.

Hi Deb,

I decided that your birthday gift for Mike warranted an old-fashioned letter rather than a text, “LOL”. Thank you so much for the rice cooker- what a thoughtful choice! Mike loves it and he has been making dinners in it multiple times per week, so it’s a treat for me as well, ha! How are the kids doing? Around here, Michael Jr. is preparing for his SATs already, and Alicia’s swim team just made the state championships! The time really flies, doesn’t it? It feels like only yesterday that Alicia and Shelby were splashing around in the surf at Key West- the “Good Old Days”!

I imagine that you’re keeping busy with the upcoming election, but as you know, our annual Halloween party is just around the corner… please feel free to stop by with Steve and the kids! I’ll be making my famous “witches’ fingers” cookies ☺

I’d love to chat if you have a few free minutes at some point during these hectic back-to-school weeks! Phone me anytime.

With love,

Allison

Disgusting. If Wasserman-Schultz thinks she can get away with this kind of blatant personal privacy, she’d better think again. There’s no way the former DNC chairwoman will be able live down this one.

I Lost My V-Card to a Corpse

By Megan Klein

One look at those long bony legs and lusting lips, and I wanted to bone. Like straight up bone this beautiful corpse I accidentally dug up. I know what you’re thinking: “Megan, why don’t you get a real boyfriend like everyone else?”

Well first off, I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m a cool gal that knows how to hang. Having a boyfriend is totally overrated when I need to be discovering ME– my interests, my passions, what makes me tick. I need to date myself right now. I’m not saying that if you have a boyfriend your life is totally and completely over, but you do have a lot of restrictions. If that works for you, then great! But I sure love the freedom of being able to wake up in the morning and know I have my whole day ahead of me free of the distraction of love. I can gracefully accept cat-calls,  play video games, and even wear the kinds of shoes I want. All free from mutual caring and consideration by an S.O.

So when Skele-boy texted me, “You wanna hang?” I thought, this is my chance to lose my v-card to someone who doesn’t love me. That way, I never have to worry about catching the feelings plague. So I did it. And holy guacamole. We banged in his coffin until sunrise. We were cuddling, and he said, “Hey, can you go home?” So I did. An old lady ghost jealously glared at me while I gathered my clothes and promptly climbed out from his grave. What a hater. I am a strong, independent woman who is learning that life is about loving yourself, and knowing that boys will break your heart, but if you take out your heart and force them to eat it, they can’t hurt you.

Halloween Sex Tips

By Critter Fink

1. Empty a pumpkin out
2. Layer the guts in a 9X13 pan
3. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees
4. Bake the pumpkin guts for 10-13 minutes or until golden orange
5. Carve a penis shaped hole in the side of the pumpkin
6. Put the fully baked pumpkin guts back into the pumpkin
7. Put your penis into the hole
8. Feel the burns from the extremely hot guts surround your member 
9. Fuck the shit out of that pumpkin 
10. Go to the hospital to get your second and third degree burns treated
11. Give your number to the first nurse you see
12. Wait three days 
13. She will not have texted you in this time 
14. Find out where she lives
15. Bring the pumpkin that you originally fucked 
16. Put the pumpkin on her front porch
17. Break into her home
18. Murder her
19. Take her corpse home because you are now married
20. Empty out the innards in her body 
21. Put them in a 9X13 pan, lightly greased
22. Bake for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown 
23. Stuff her torso fill of the now  
24. Enjoy having a warm body in your bed again
25. Return to her home because you forgot your pumpkin you goof!
26. The police are there and you tell them you just need your pumpkin
27. Literally seven people saw you dragging the corpse out
28. Double check that the oven is off
29. The police will bring you to jail
30. You are now serving life in prison
31. Learn how to be a bottom bitch in prison
32. Get craaaazy good at giving head
33. Find a drug kingpin to be your zaddy

So if you want a cute and casual way to put some Halloween fun into you sex life this is the plan for you!

Halloween Decorations That Say You’re a Spooky Witch Down to F***

By Megan Klein

Need a way to tell your crush that you’re totally cool to do “stuff” without actually saying anything? Let’s these Halloween decorations do it all for you!

1. Candelabra – This one really says you know how to give good head. 

2. Cobwebs – Ooooh, spooky! Show your casual hook-up that they’ll never be able to leave or escape you with these hot webs of lusty love

3. A spooky doll – look at your crush, then look at your doll, then look back at your crush. Stare so deep into his eyes that your limbs begin to melt, and utter, “you have the same eyes.” He’ll be flattered, and blush.

4. A wine glass that says “Witches Brew” – you did it! You’re officially a witch! How creepy chic of you! Now bewitch him into never leaving you. Before you know it, he’ll be proposing, then you’ll be married, then you’ll have five kids and he can never leave you for that nasty Brunhilda!

5. A jack-o-lantern – carve your crush into a big ol’ orange ball and roast the pumpkin seeds into a heart. His heart. He’ll marry you instantly, and you’ll die on the same day at the same time lying next to each other

6. Some spiders – real ones, so when they bite your crush, he turns into a mutant to everyone else, but stays beautiful to you so no crazy, crazy girl can fall in love with him. He loses all other sense of feeling, and becomes incapable of speech. He can only repeat, “I kiss you long long time”.

7. A casual knife – Use it to cut some apples to a sweet cider!

Heinz Chapel to Now Only Recognize Marriages Under the Church of Shrek

By Dana Good

At a controversial press conference on Tuesday, Heinz Chapel Head of Affairs Tracy Sylvester announced the famous landmark’s decision to only allow weddings under the church, “First Assembly of His Holiness Shrek”.

“We have let all those other stupid and made-up religions trample over us for too long,” said Sylvester of the historically non-denominational chapel, “It’s time we show our undying devotion to our lord and savior Shrek, once and for all.” An official list of changes that will be made to the chapel was released following the press conference.

Some of the alterations include: painting the famous red front doors a “swamp green”, carving “Shrek yo-self before u wreck yo-self, motherfuckers!!” above the chancel, and requiring all sheet music to be replaced with Smash Mouth’s 1999 hit song “All Star”. When asked for further questioning on these new changes, Sylvester removed her blazer, revealing a t-shirt that read, “Farquaad can eat my green ogre ass” and proceeded to shout, “I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I’m a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?” Construction will begin in early October and the Chapel will re-open in early November.

Solely You Caused the Drought in California

By Shannon Kelly

You are an upperclassman and you should have known better. It was O-week. You went out with your roommates on Saturday night. They heard about a party on Dawson, and even though you live in North Oakland, you decide it’s a go. When you arrive, the porch is about to give out. Someone hands you a green solo cup. You’re colorblind. Your roommate next to you sniffs the jungle juice like a wine connoisseur. It’s a red. Fruit Punch Kool-Aid..  

An hour later, you walk past a Freshman boy on the way out.  He asks, “What does it cost to get in?” You think, “Your dignity.” You respond, “$5.” You keep going. You arrive back to the apartment, where you realize you never picked up a pizza you ordered. You remember a quote on wastefulness: “A man by his sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God. This is man’s greatest tragedy and God’s heaviest grief.” Little Nippers will never forgive you.

You decide to make your own drunken food. You open your cabinets. Toothpaste. Wrong cabinets. You open your kitchen cabinets. Mac and Cheese. A food with false dignity like a stripper making a weighty deposit at the bank. You read the instructions: Boil 6-8 quarts of water. “In What?” you scream to God. You read on. In a medium-sized pot. You turn on the sink. But you are drunk and the sink knows better than to take advantage of you. You sit down. You fall asleep.

You wake up the next morning covered in hard pasta. You push your friend “pasta” off of the futon. You go into the kitchen to get water only to realize the tap has been on all night. So much water. It was you, solely you; an individual caused the drought in California that has left millions in broken despair. What’s worse? Your Brita is empty.