I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in

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Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz

Climate Marchers Realize Fossil Fuels are Great

By Lilian Sun

On September 21, 2014, a huge assembly of environmentalists, hippies, and stoners that supported the continuation of life on earth gathered in New York City to encourage the United Nations’ climate change summit to do something, as opposed to their usual agenda of doing nothing. But the peoples’ drive and enthusiasm to stop climate change soon dissolved when they encountered three Caucasian males standing in the middle of the march holding signs and wearing t-shirts that read “I love fossil fuels.”

“It was like, one second I wanted to stop climate change, and the next I was thinking ‘what am I doing here?’,” one confused marcher said. “After those guys gave me their flier I wanted to become a trucker and go on random joy rides cross country while investing in coal mines and tar sands. Actually, that sounds like a really great plan. I think I’m going to do it right now.” As if hypnotized, the marcher stumbled away from the march. People report that they saw the man jump inside a random truck and drive off, but he was instantly stuck in traffic and had to wait several hours to get out of the city.

Approximately 300,000 other marchers experienced similar effects after passing the fossil fuel groupies, and by the end of the Climate March, the chants had changed from “What do we want? Climate justice! When do we want it? Now!” to “I heart fossil fuels” and “I love fossil fuels” and other variations of the same sentence. Some changed the name of the Climate March to the Who-Gives-A-Shit-About-Climate March. Impromptu signs and shirts were made bearing the “I

“ALL HAIL THE OLD GODS,” the marchers chanted, spellbound. “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY DINOS.” They exhaled with greater vigor, hoping to create more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. A few passed out from exhaling too long. The other marchers continued, stepping on the fallen as if they weren’t there.

The police, aghast and afraid, did not move or speak. It almost seemed as though they couldn’t move or speak.

The volunteers stationed at the end of the Climate March cried or screamed when they saw how the march had devolved into a cult worshipping fossil fuels. But when the three Caucasian men, the new leaders of the march, passed by, the volunteers stopped whatever they were doing and jerkily joined the march. Their eyes, glassed over and drooping, did not blink. Their slack mouths chanted and gaped. Their hands twitched and became stuck in a clawed position, as if trying to become one with their dinosaur overlords. Basically, they looked like all the other marchers.

As the end of the march neared, one by one people began to disappear. It was unnoticeable at first, but by the time the leaders of the march reached the intersection of 11th Avenue and 34th Street, not a single marcher was left. Behind the fossil fuel lovers was a street strewn with signs, shirts, and extremely confused policemen and women. And so the 2014 Climate March came to a mysterious end.

In other news, Pitt students said that on September 21, Dippy the Dinosaur’s eyes glowed red, and a distance roar was heard by anyone within a mile radius of the statue. No other signs of the occult have manifested themselves through Dippy since then.