What’s on Sutherland’s Mysterious 9th Floor?

By Isaac Przybysz

During my freshman year, I was wandering the halls of my native Sutherland and found something odd in the stairwell: a locked door at the end of a set of stairs going up from floor 8. “But how?” I thought. “The building only has 8 floors, that we know of.” So I decided to sneak find an alternative entrance up to the floor and here’s what I found:

  • State secrets
  • Science experiments
  • A parking lot
  • A swimming pool
  • The genetic code for clones of more pre-med students from outside Philly
  • Patrick Gallagher’s heating lamp
  • An elevator to hell
  • The end of the song “American Pie”
  • A secret stash of Natty Light
  • A Mario pipe, probably also to hell
  • All the Starship robots
  • Your grandparents’ tapes from when Pitt football was good
  • The ‘butthole cut’ of Cats
  • The Port Authority bus that fell in a sinkhole last year
  • The Plague Inc controller for COVID
  • Yoshi’s tax returns
  • All the unmatched socks lost in the dryers
  • A rabbit hole to Wonderland
  • The Chevron steps
  • Sodexo
  • The O (RIP) 

What we did with an extra day


By the writers of the Pittiful News

(Abby, Eric, Sonya, Tyler, Zach, Pittiful News Writer #7)

So we got an extra day but then we had an hour taken away but we always manage to have fun anyway!

  1. I body swapped with John Mulaney and hosted Saturday Night Live!
  2. I had to console my roommate over Ferb’s body shape.
  3. I had some tea.
  4. I took a moment of remembrance for Mao Zedong’s Second Five Year Plan, also known as the Great Leap Forward.
  5. I made random noises for three hours while playing games.
  6. I remarried my divorced husband.
  7. I lost 2 karma on Reddit.
  8. I really wanted chips and queso so I went to Chipotle even though my roommate told me not to because there was a line out the door, and I wanted to leave when I saw how long the line was but this girl I don’t like got in line behind me so then I couldn’t leave because I didn’t want to look weak, so I waited for thirty minutes and them they didn’t even have chips and so I sadly ordered a burrito bowl but it was without corn because they were out of that too (and corn’s my favorite part), and then I put too much Tabasco on it because the girl I don’t like was also putting Tabasco on her food and again, I had to assert my dominance.
  9. I put on socks.
  10. I went to Chipotle. It was OK.