I met Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys in a back alley.


By Eric Brinling

As I was walking down the street one day, I heard the unmistakable sound of several men singing harmonically in a sort of surf rock style. I did not know the song, as I am no huge Beach Boys fan, but I could easily identify the band from their distinct sound. I only wondered what they were doing in the middle of Oakland on a Tuesday night.

I followed the music, and came upon a dark back alley. Then the music stopped. It had been coming from a radio, leaned upon by a 77-year old man named Brian Wilson (of Beach Boys fame). I could not identify him immediately, as, after all, I am no huge Beach Boys fan, and it was also pretty dark, but I soon recognized him from his celebrated 1988 appearance in ABC’s Full House, in the episode when Danny and Jesse get in a fight over who gets to go see the Beach Boys in concert with DJ but eventually it works itself out because for some reason they all get to go up on stage and sing with them, despite being untrained musicians (with the exception of Jesse, who certainly deserved the spot on that

Anyway, here I was, walking down a dark alley with Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys standing before me. I asked him what he was doing here, in the middle of Oakland.

“God Only Knows,” he answered me, looking pensively off into the dark brick wall to his right. “Gettin’ Hungry,” he said, more to himself than to me. He took something out of his pocket, which I couldn’t make out in the darkness. He took a crisp bite out of it.

“What are you eating?” I asked.

“Vegetables,” he answered, and took another bite. I didn’t bother to ask him for specifics. I felt comfortable assuming it was a carrot. “Take a Load Off Your Feet,” he said to me, motioning towards a chair near to him.

I sat, and asked him how long he would be in the area.

“Here Today,” he said simply. Does that mean he would be gone tomorrow? Being no huge Beach Boys fan, I did not know.

He held out a vegetable of some kind to me, which again I could not see because of the dark. I took it and took a large bite out of it. “Is this a carrot?” I asked him, as I could not tell.

“Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” he said.

“So… it’s not a carrot?”

“Caroline, No,” he told me, shaking his head as if I were his student who had just answered a simple question incorrectly. Also, my name is not Caroline.

“What is it, then?”

“I Know There’s an Answer,” he told me, which did not help, because I also knew that there was an answer, he just wasn’t telling me. I remained silent for some time, and eventually he said, “Let’s Go
Away for Awhile.”

“What?” I asked him, “Where would we go? And why?”

“Salt Lake City,” he said, answering but one of my questions.

“I’m not going to Salt Lake City with you, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys,” I told him, and I got up to leave.

Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys sighed, and said, “I Should Have Known Better.”

As I left Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys’ alley, I thought to myself, “Wasn’t that a Beatles song?” Being no huge Beach Boys fan, I did not realize that the Beach Boys covered that particular song in their 1965 album The Beach Boys’ Party.

I passed by that same alley later that week. Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys was no longer there. Some say he’s still out there, offering college-aged men strange vegetables and a trip to Salt Lake City.

The New Celebrity Roast

By Jessica SimpsonImage result for roast of james franco

Comedy Central has made the decision to revamp the celebrity roast after the Rob Lowe/Ann Coulter fiasco, and the Pittiful News has the inside scoop on the new show.  James Franco, Gwyneth Paltrow, Justin Bieber, Martha Stewart, and James Franco have already signed contracts with Comedy Central for the New Celebrity Roast.    

Producers from the Food Network have partnered with Comedy Central in order to redesign the iconic celebrity roast. Celebrities will challenge one another to cook the best roast.  The competition in the kitchen will be much like Masterchef, as professional chefs judge the A-list celebrities and James Franco on their cooking chops.   Before the winner is announced, the celebrities will taste and then critique each other’s dishes, “roast the roast,” if you will.  A rep for Comedy Central explained that it seemed like an appropriate way to continue the spirit of the traditional celebrity roast—the biting jokes—and make it more appealing to a wider range of viewers with legit food.  
The episodes will be divided based on the type of roast the celebrities must cook: Round roast, Chuck roast, Pot Roast, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice, Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake.  Sorry I got carried away, there.  More roasts include Bottom Round Roast, Eye of Round Roast, Tenderloin, James Franco, and Pot Roast again because who doesn’t love a darn good pot roast?  Because of the limited amount of roasts, Comedy Central has announced that the New Celebrity Roast will be broadcast as a miniseries beginning on January 7, 2017 at 8/9 CT.   So make a date with your couch and James Franco and get pumped!
If reading this has made you hungry for a roast, please visit


14 Secretly Jewish Celebrity Revealed

By Mike Citrola (is Jewish)

The longstanding rumor that Jews control the media has steadily declined over the years, but The Pittiful News recently uncovered new evidence of many A-list celebs faking gentile.
Here is the exclusive list of media elite with their true, chosen names.

  1. Yom Kipportia di Rossi
  2. John Hammantashen
  3. Haftara Reid
  4. Maria Shana Tova
  5. Gary Old-testa-man
  6. Sukkota Fanning
  7. Shmuelle Fanning
  8. Menorah Jones
  9. Dr. Dreidel
  10. Gephilte Collins
  11. Dame Jewdy Mensch
  12. Carlie Rye Jepsen
  13. Jewish Bale
  14. Whoopi Goldberg