What we are going to Wish for on the Wishbone this Thanksgiving

By the writers of the Pittiful News

85 best Snoopy images on Pinterest | Peanuts characters ...
  • Happiness 
    • I’d settle for any emotion though. I just want to feel something. 
  • Herlock Sholmes
  • Stockholmes Syndrome
  • Riverdale to be cancelled  
  • For shifting realities to be real so I can live out my script of living in a suburb of Las Vegas with my problematic fav, Brendon Urie 
  • For them to make really good vegetarian chicken wings that taste like the real thing. I miss chicken wings.  
  • To be able to have had my gay awakening at a Lizzo concert 
  • Mom and Dad to stop fighting  
  • A Spencer Reid spinoff series
  • All I want for Thanksgiving is you
  • Parents that are down for a ketamine hole 
  • Someone to hold my hand  
  • Someone who understands me
  • A coronavirus vaccine in the form of a chewy vitamin
  • Doc martins to go out of style and easy slip on slip off shoes to come back 
  • Wish for more cats like I do every year
  • Wish that less turkeys will die next year
    • This wish will be made on a tofurky bone
  • Good food, Thanksgiving food sucks, I need some actually good food or I will die, and you will die with me
  • Soup, I am a simple man, with simple needs, I just want soup.  
  • For Bella Hadid to stop existing so I can go back to being happy
  • A cool pair of socks :) 
  • Everyone to stop aggressively hating my doppelganger, Joey King for no reason. I can’t help but take it personally. 
  • Canned peas, not warmed
  • For Joe Biden to respond to my request to interview him
  • To wrestle with Dwayne the Rock Johnson
  • Help on my math homework, i need to get my scientific calculator say more funny non boob related words
    • 455 looks like *ss
  • For society at large to realize that calories are a social construct and definitely not a unit of energy involved in the laws of thermodynamics
  • To find $15 dollars in my coat pocket  
  • A dealer to fall in love with me so I don’t have to pay for oui’d 
  • Less gun deaths, idk guys that was a throwaway
  • My final papers to be written for me as I just look at my phone for 6 hours a day instead of putting in any effort at all
  • J.K. Rowling to stop being a transphobe so I can openly enjoy Harry Potter again. 
  • For our reptilian overlords to put us out of our collective misery
  • For people to stop believing that we are ruled by reptilian overlords. 
  • For less militias to patrol the streets so we can go back to the good old days of gang violence.  
  • For men to stop waking up and choosing violence 
  • The trial of Will Scheuster to finally happen. He must pay for his sins. 
  • Another wishbone
    • With which I will wish for another
      • And another
        • And another
          • And so on
            • Forever
              • Best wish ever
  • Gen-z to shut up about how great gen-z is. 
  • Charli to reach 100 million followers on tik tok. Idk I’m just rooting for her. 
  • A meghan trainor christmas album…wait, that wish came true! A Very Trainor Christmas is now available on all streaming platforms. 
  • A real life cat girl 

Places I definitely know you can’t find weed

By the writers of the Pittiful News


None of us know where you can find weed, but hopefully we can help you narrow it down a bit by telling you places that most likely do NOT have weed. Trust us, one of us checked (all of us would have gone but some of the places weren’t six feet wide).

  1. Downtown
  2. The meth dealer who sells to a man who owns many tigers
  3. The bros in the Blaze pizza basement 
  4. MAKING MY WAY DOWN TOWN, WALKIN FAST, FACES Dammit, we SAID you can’t find weed downtown, why would you go downtown
  5. Behind the Sour Patch Kids at Wawa
  6. William, Friend of Randy.
  7. Sugar daddies (I tried to enlist multiple. Didn’t work.)
  8. “Doctor Mike” Michael/Mikhail Varshavski, D.O.
  9. East side of Sutherland (be smart like the Honors kids, kids, don’t smoke weed)
  10. South Dithridge St.
  11. Randy. He lives in the law building, because he’s training to be a lawyer so he can get you weed someday and not get you in trouble for getting weed. He always shows up to trials stoned. 
  13. Schenley Plaza
  14. Denny’s parking lot at 2:46 A.M.
  15. The outdoor cats in the neighborhood
  16. Proudly proclaim that you like weed and the weed genie will show up and give you 3 weed wishes (wishes that pertain to weed)
  17. In your weird roommate’s quarantine brownies
  18. The top left drawer of my desk behind the stapler and box of pencils, in room 420 in tower B