By the writers of the Pittiful News
- Happiness
- I’d settle for any emotion though. I just want to feel something.
- Herlock Sholmes
- Stockholmes Syndrome
- Riverdale to be cancelled
- For shifting realities to be real so I can live out my script of living in a suburb of Las Vegas with my problematic fav, Brendon Urie
- For them to make really good vegetarian chicken wings that taste like the real thing. I miss chicken wings.
- To be able to have had my gay awakening at a Lizzo concert
- Mom and Dad to stop fighting
- A Spencer Reid spinoff series
- All I want for Thanksgiving is you
- Parents that are down for a ketamine hole
- Someone to hold my hand
- Someone who understands me
- A coronavirus vaccine in the form of a chewy vitamin
- Doc martins to go out of style and easy slip on slip off shoes to come back
- Wish for more cats like I do every year
- Wish that less turkeys will die next year
- This wish will be made on a tofurky bone
- Good food, Thanksgiving food sucks, I need some actually good food or I will die, and you will die with me
- Soup, I am a simple man, with simple needs, I just want soup.
- For Bella Hadid to stop existing so I can go back to being happy
- A cool pair of socks :)
- Everyone to stop aggressively hating my doppelganger, Joey King for no reason. I can’t help but take it personally.
- Canned peas, not warmed
- For Joe Biden to respond to my request to interview him
- To wrestle with Dwayne the Rock Johnson
- Help on my math homework, i need to get my scientific calculator say more funny non boob related words
- 455 looks like *ss
- For society at large to realize that calories are a social construct and definitely not a unit of energy involved in the laws of thermodynamics
- To find $15 dollars in my coat pocket
- A dealer to fall in love with me so I don’t have to pay for oui’d
- Less gun deaths, idk guys that was a throwaway
- My final papers to be written for me as I just look at my phone for 6 hours a day instead of putting in any effort at all
- J.K. Rowling to stop being a transphobe so I can openly enjoy Harry Potter again.
- For our reptilian overlords to put us out of our collective misery
- For people to stop believing that we are ruled by reptilian overlords.
- For less militias to patrol the streets so we can go back to the good old days of gang violence.
- For men to stop waking up and choosing violence
- The trial of Will Scheuster to finally happen. He must pay for his sins.
- Another wishbone
- With which I will wish for another
- And another
- And another
- And so on
- Forever
- Best wish ever
- Forever
- And so on
- And another
- And another
- With which I will wish for another
- Gen-z to shut up about how great gen-z is.
- Charli to reach 100 million followers on tik tok. Idk I’m just rooting for her.
- A meghan trainor christmas album…wait, that wish came true! A Very Trainor Christmas is now available on all streaming platforms.
- A real life cat girl
The Pitiful News 