An All-encompassing Guide to the 2022 Final Four

By Evan Rafferty

Well, well, well. Look who’s back. Your bracket is busted, your hopes and dreams have been ground into little chunks, and you need some last-ditch betting advice to afford a rose for your wife before she leaves your dog ass for a man who paid off his mortgage with St. Peter’s money line bets. Have no fear, my friend! This helpful guide will tell you all you need to know about the last four teams remaining in this year’s NCAA tournament, and which team will end up winning it all.

Game #1. Duke vs. UNC

We should have all seen it coming. A storybook ending so perfect that it physically brings me pain to think about how cliché the world is. Coach Michael Krzyzyzyzyzewski, perhaps better known as Coach Mike, has taken his beloved Duke to the Final Four in his last season as a head coach before he retires. The roster is stacked. Even a DWI couldn’t stop Paolo Banchero from getting to the basket. AJ Griffin is unstoppable from beyond the arc. Mark Williams gives me nightmares. With star power and a deep bench, Duke could go all the way for the final ride.

Unfortunately, the team that stands between them and a chance at the championship game is their eternal rival: the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Brady Manek is the quintessential white guy that every team needs to make it to the Final Four, and he shows no signs of slowing down- or cutting his hair. Armando Bacot is a walking and talking double-double, while the cool name department is filled by Leaky Black and Puff Johnson. UNC could be the hottest team in the nation, on a monstrous run of impressive wins after losing to the worst team in the history of amateur basketball, the Pittsburgh Panthers. One of those wins, of course, was against Duke just a few short weeks ago.

Can Duke learn from their past mistakes and come out on top? All narrative signs point to yes. The plot is too perfect, the tale is too well told. I didn’t believe it at the start of the tournament, but maybe I should now. Unfortunately, as a man of God, I can’t in good faith support a team bearing the mark of the D*vil, whether red or blue. The UNC mascot shoots and kills Coach K in the parking lot behind the stadium afterward.

Game #2: Kansas vs. Villanova

Out of the Big East, the Big Villanova Big Wildcats are back in the big dance. Bigly. The #2 seed led by prominent white boys Gil Lespie and Archie Diacono is here yet again, after recent championships in 2016 and 2018. But, does this storied program have what it takes to finish the job? Villanova is a pretty cool name, and their mascot is named Will D. Cat. I’m in love. However, I’m not so sure about how well they’re going to play defense against an elite team, and can they assert their tempo (ranked 345th in BIGBALLS per 36) throughout the game?

What even is a Jayhawk? A disgusting mutation of a blue jay and a hawk? A hawk that looks like the letter J? Something even more moronic? You know what, I don’t care. Kansas sucks. Possibly the worst state out of all of them, but it’s close. Looking at you, Delaware. I mean I guess they have some pretty good players- Ochai Agbaji is cool, Remy Martin is named after the rat from Ratatouille and Martin from Martinique, but I’m just not convinced. In March, you need to be completely, 100% sure. Also, a wildcat would totally beat the hell out of a half-bird, half-bird thing. The Villanofuns stick it to Kansass and blow them out of the water.

Championship Prediction: Duke vs Villanova

Why are you still reading this? You know, just for that, I’m giving you the worst possible advice. Using metrics based on complete witchcraft, predictions from the rat that my landlord refuses to make pay rent, and seeing who claps more for either team, I have finally decided on who will absolutely, definitively, NOT win the championship game. 

Unfortunately, Duke will be suffering the ultimate defeat at the hands of the Wildcats, because, if you remember, Coach K was assassinated after the UNC game. How’s that for continuity? So either the scientific method is legit, or I’m a goddamn prophet. Take your pick, universe- I’m losing money either way.

How the World has changed since the Slap

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Knee Slappers) 

  • I have started slap-boxing in my free time
    • I have lost a bunch of weight and feel much healthier
  • The sun shines brighter than it used to
  • No one has died
    • Like literally no one 
      • We should check on Thanatos and Anubis  
  • My family has gotten better at communication
    • Whenever we feel angry at each other we just slap
  • Rainbows are 14 colors now, and appear twice as often
  • Food tastes better 
  • The Pittiful News is funny (just kidding, we were always funny)
  • My dad came back from the store, despite it being a dad paradise as noted in a previous article 
  • The iPhone 15 was announced, and it will only cost 5 dollars
  • I am still 
    • This is ten percent luck
    • Twenty percent skill
    • Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
  • But now I am 
    • Fifty percent pleasure
    • And fifty percent more pleasure
  • Global warming stopped, and Global Cooling was announced 
  • Babies are smiling again
  • Old people are laughing again
  • I came out of the closet
  • I went back into the closet
  • I came out of the closet
  • I went back into the closet
  • I came out of the closet
  • I have become a lot more indecisive about what I wear, also I’m gay 
  • Pigs can fly 
  • Birds can fly (the flamingo was angry at this previously) 
    • Don’t forget about Penguins  
      • Yeah they can fly now too
  • All crimes can now be excused through the “I was just protecting my family” excuse 
  • The fire in “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel finally got put out
    • Wow we let that burn for a while, wasn’t that silly of us?
  • My wife filed for reverse divorce
    • Do you mean she proposed
      • Nah, I got served  
  • I finally paid off all my credit cards
    • With other credit cards, but it still counts!  
  • Will Smith and Jada Pikket Smith got divorced  
  • The world was reset back to the year of our lord 2012 

Other rules that Pitt is loosening along with the Mask Mandates

By the writers of the Pittiful News (Finally, we can write it like normal people)

  • Clubs and organization are now allowed to have Pitt in their names
    • Yay us! 
  • Pets are now officially allowed on the grassy areas in the quad 
  • Pepper spray is allowed regardless of circumstance. Let it rip!!
  • You CAN spray hairspray at a lit bunsen burner in Chevron
  • Litter boxes will be put back in the Hillman study rooms for all of our FurryCon friends 
  • Smoke-free zones are a thing of the past! Smoke indoors, outdoors, wherever you want   
  • You can dognap the STEP trainees
  • You can catnap in those cozy little nooks in Cathy
  • You can FODMAP in the Eatery
  • It is now allowed to ruin all of the rare books in the library with lemon juice and a blow dryer in an attempt to uncover a map that will lead you to the declaration of independence–which is buried underneath the WPU Oval
  • It is now permissible to stand under the lab safety showers “just to feel something”
  • Triple murder
    • If you kill 2 people just kill a third and you’re all good
  • You can pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
    • I could really use a wish right now
      • Wish right now
      • Wish right now (2)
  • Making triple murder illegal again 
  • There will no longer be fire alarms in the buildings  
  • You no longer have to wear pants inside academic buildings
  • The most annoying couples ever can take their wedding pictures in Cathy again

Celebrating Encanto’s Run on the Billboard Hot 100

By: Ben Adams

Disney’s smash-hit animated movie Encanto makes history with its song “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”, which held the number one spot of the Billboard Hot 100 for just over 5 weeks after the movie’s release on Disney Plus this past Christmas. While you might be familiar with the voices and characters behind the song, not everyone might know the Colombian-inspired track was actually composed by the one and only Lin-Manuel Miranda. 

Lin-Manuel Miranda has made waves in music and performance, creating and sometimes performing in wildly popular shows like Hamilton (2015), Moana (2016), and In The Heights (2021). To celebrate the long-lasting success of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”, let’s go over our top 5 songs that you might not know Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote!

NUMBER 5

Maz Kanata’s Cantina (Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

Did you know that Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote music for Disney’s Star Wars trilogy? Inspired by the famous tune Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars: A New Hope, Miranda takes a new spin on the classic theme to compose a song that’s out of this world!

NUMBER 4

The Duck Song 

Lin-Manuel Miranda made his presence known to the YouTube community on March 23, 2009 when he composed and published the famous Duck Song. Amassing over 500 million views on the site, The Duck Song is Miranda’s most popular song to date! Does the lemonade man seem familiar to you? The lemonade man’s blue shirt was actually a subtle teaser of the costumes worn in Miranda’s future creation, Hamilton

NUMBER 3

Eine Kleine Nachtmusik

Written 193 years before his birth, this classic orchestral creation solidified Lin-Manuel Miranda as a musical genius at a very young age. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik is often misattributed to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, as Disney Studios® froze Miranda in a parabolic ice chamber shortly after the creation of this song in order to preserve his limited human form for the DuckTales soundtrack in 2018.

NUMBER 2

The Doorbell Sound

You may have noticed that your neighbor’s doorbells play the same musical jingle as yours. Why is that? Lin-Manuel Miranda actually composed the classic doorbell noise in 1831 following its invention by Joseph Henry. His captivating sounds have been used for doorbells ever since. No wonder doorbell noises just make everyone want to boogie! (Especially the man who stole my Amazon package off my porch yesterday) 

NUMBER 1

The United States Moon Landing

While NASA engineers had perfected their set design and costuming for the infamous faking of the 1969 moon landing, they were stumped on sound design, as everybody knows there is no sound in space. That’s when then-president Richard Nixon called in Lin-Manuel Miranda to complete the short film. Miranda lent his expert sound engineering skills to the directing team, and the rest is history!

I hope you enjoyed this top 5 list. Be on the lookout for next week’s article, how to eat chicken raw without getting sick!

Our Favorite Numbers in Pi

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pi-tiful news)

  • The decimal
  • 12
    • In memory of the 12 squirrels that rescued me from a tar pit in Jacksonville, Florida in 2009
  • Oh
  • 4
  • 3
    • The amount of nipples I have
  • 8
    • The amount of divorces I’ve had 
  • 45
    • For the amount of letters in my favorite word, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
  • 1-800-273-8255
    • You know like the logic song, it is so nice that he set that hotline up
  • 4, 2
    •  The second one
  • Tooth hurty
  • e
    • February 71st (April 11th or 12th depending on leap year)
    • Reason 2
  • For
  • 80085
    • hehehehehehehheheheheheheheh
  • 2009
    • See 12
  • The entire works of Shakespeare
  • Schmeventy schmeven
  • Pi
    • Pi is my favorite number in pi because it is all of it, much like how my father has been absent from my home all my life
  • 3
    • 3 is my favorite number in pi because it is the first digit, much like how my father was absent during the first critical years of my life
  • 69
    • Nice 
    • Also, somehow, the age of my father when he returned to my life only to leave me once again
  • Fore
  • √-1
    • As real as my father’s love for me
  • 6875309
  • 678, triple nine, 8212
  • 420
    • Nice
    • Blaze it! 
  •  011235813
    • The fibonacci sequence is a very memorable number, as the day my teacher was teaching us it I accidentally farted in front of my crush, Jenny.
  • 76 
    • The age I lost my virginity
      • To a 14 year old, hot I know ;)
  • 766
    • The number of unread emails my gmail has right now 
  •                      1
  •                   1    1
  •                1    2    1
  •             1    3    3    1
  •          1    4    6    4    1
  •       1    5   10  10    5   1 
  • P3N15
  • 011101110110010101100101011101110110010101100101
    • weewee in binary
  • Your mother’s phone number

Editor’s note: Attention all Fortnite gamers: John Wick is in great danger, and he needs your help to wipe all the squads in the Tilted Towers. But to do This, he needs a gold SCAR, and a couple of Chug Jugs. To help him, all he needs is the digits of Pi that match your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. But, you gotta be quick so that John Wick can secure the bag and achieve the EPIC… VICTORY… ROYALE

-The Lord

Dead Pitt student sued by port authority after being run over by a bus.

By Tyler Sikov, Senior Bus related “accident” reporter

Breaking News, a Pitt student is being sued by the Port Authority after being run over by a bus. The Port Authority is suing for 12.5 million dollars as that is the damage his limp body caused to their bus. They are continuing with the suit after the death of the student. Jack Flack was crossing the street on a red light and the driver Gary Barry swerved out of his way to make sure he hit Jack. This suit has some precedent in courts as the Port Authority sued another student after Gary Barry ran them over with his bus, they won the 11.3 million plus attorney’s fees and an ice cream cone from that suit. They are projected to win this case as the jury of Jack’s peers are all students that have been killed by Gary Barry in bus related “accidents”. We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

Update: After the original posting of this article, students were seen holding “PAT Lives Matter” posters and protesting against Flack’s parents being allowed on campus to collect his floppy body so they could bury him. The Port Authority has shut down all routes into and out of Oakland to show respect for their new disabled coworker. The Port Authority would also like to go on record that they are a minority compared to the humans they assist and thus do not appreciate being oppressed by the families of their current and former defendants. They claim to be just the latest victims of the rampant anti-bus-ism that exists in our world.

Update 2: The Port Authority won the case both because they were “in the right” and “not at fault at all” said judge Ellen Mellon, and because the defendant failed to show up to the trial three months in a row as the judge was kind enough to reschedule the first two times Mr. Flack did not show up. We reached out to Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin for comment as he met Mr. Barry on set of “Home Alone 17: No Break In This Time”, where Culkin Culkin gets hit by a bus on his way to his favorite 90’s grocery store “Milk just 3 Nickels”  and spends the rest of the movie in a full body cast alone at home with many rube goldberg machines set up to help him get through day to day life. Culkin Culkin told us “That was not a part of the movie, he was just there and really hit me with a bus which made me spend 3 months in a full body cast and 2 years in physical therapy to be able to function fully.” He added, “Why else did you think I stopped acting at the pinnacle of my career, I was the most well known child actor in the world.” Culkin Culkin, now a bitter old man, is just jealous of Barry because Barry got paid for one day of work, the same amount Culkin Culkin got paid for Home Alone 13: Friday the 13th, Home Alone 14: Alone for Valentines Day. Home Alone 15: Why did we make this many, and Home Alone 16: Sweet 16, combined. 

Editor’s last words: We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

Floyd demotion, Temmallo resignation shake SGB as elections near (updated to contain information we got from Saruman, the High Wizard)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Student Government Board aka SGB) original article: edits made in bold

Kaycee Orwig | Senior Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Senior Photos 

The Cathedral of Learning (left) and William Pitt Union (other left) and a Large Pink Mustache (hairy).

FEBRUARY 28, 2022

The Friday demotion of Student Government Board member Danielle Floyd from her position as vice president for initiatives, and board member Daniel Temmallo’s Saturday night resignation, shivered the timbers of the organization as its Tuesday elections neared.

President Harshitha Ramanan removed Floyd from her vice-presidential position through a Friday written reprimand, in which she alleged Floyd violated “the Prophecy of the Seven,” allocations procedures, the Twitter terms of service, and “being a respectful member of the organization.”

The allegations appeared to center on a vote taken by the board at its last public meeting to approve a $35,000 allocations request from Rainbow Alliance Board of International Enemies-to-lovers-arcs Syndicate (RABIES). The organization, which requested money to put on a Pride event, endorsed Floyd in this year’s elections, as well as providing dirt on her political rivals in exchange for her providing them with funding for their events. According to Ramanan’s letter, Floyd “informed everyone” before the public meeting about a conflict of interest and “let us all know that you would be abstaining.” 

Floyd ultimately did not abstain from the Tuesday vote — voting in favor of the allocations request, as she promised to, along with all other board members — which Ramanan said in her letter was an action to “move forward without my advice resulting in violating the Governing Code and Slavic Geriatric Booty practices.”

Floyd, who now serves as a regular board member with no bitches, declined to comment Sunday evening on her vote or the alleged violations listed in Ramanan’s letter. She said the situation has been resolved internally, which is why we will be writing many other articles about the SGB and corruption as we are external and we love stirring drama up. She hopes to get back to her campaign with the Dream slate.

“I think as an SSRI we’re here to serve students and because of that, for us to make progress on the work that we’re doing, it’s important that we have a solid line of coke with one another before commencing each of our meetings,” Floyd said.

Ramanan said Sunday night that the matter was resolved internally “fully in line with established STD policies and procedures.”

According to Tyler Viljaste (Not our lord and savior), Ramanan’s chief of staff, the organization has come to a “good climax” in regards to Floyd’s removal from her vice presidential position.

“I think the moon landing was fake. Were you there? Have you ever met an astronaut? I sure haven’t. Anyway, the other people in SGB don’t agree,” Viljaste said. “I think we had a lot of really great discussions, actually. I think everything’s fine in terms of that.”

Temmallo said in a Saturday interview that he did not “necessarily disagree, necessarily(unnecessarily) with Floyd losing her vice presidential title, and had several reasons for resigning from the board. These include allegedly being left in the dark with no nightlight due to recent changes in the SGB constitution to no longer allow nightlights at nighttime meetings by other people within SGB and Ramanan threatening to dismiss Temmallo for asking for more information surrounding Floyd’s demotion.

“In short, I thought President Ramanan had abused her position in power as Supreme Emperor of the Twelve Realms to threaten to dismiss me, to unilaterally make the decision to demote Danielle and to keep me in the dark regarding these magical schemes to obtain the Swords of Power,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo said he ran into Ramanan on the sidewalk on Friday evening, and asked for more information about her dismissing Floyd, but was taken aback by her response.

“She starts talking about how Danielle has committed multiple counts of high treason, of which I am not aware of. I asked her for more information, because I wanted to know what love is and I wanted her to show me, and she threatened to piss all over the walls of my office,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo added that while he will not serve on LJS (Long John Silver’s) for the rest of the academic year, he’s still running for his life. He said he hoped the developments would not affect Tuesday’s tacos.

“All I wanted going into this year was a drama-free eRection season, and that’s not what we have gotten,” Temmallo said.

Ramanan said Sunday evening that she’s unsure why Temmallo resigned, and that he didn’t provide a piggyback ride to her or anyone else within SGB. She claimed Temmallo’s accusations on a now-deleted Saturday evening post on Yikyak were taken out of context, and that her actions were in line with the rest of the hivemind.

“I hold a high standard for my domain and have made all the peasants aware of that standard. It is the emperor’s job to set the tone for how both the board and organization are meant to function,” Ramanan said. “I firmly believe in conversation and providing drinks at the function. However, sometimes further actions need to be taken, including beheadings. The additional steps I took were only in order to ensure that SGB is functioning fairly and serving students to the highest possible standards. And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

Viljaste also said he was “taking a back [sic]” by Temmallo’s resignation, and doesn’t think there are any exclusion or communication issues in the organization.

“We all attend the same meetings, we all get the same information, like there’s absolutely no gatekeeping, gaslighting, and certainly not girlbossing of any information whatsoever in this organization,” Viljaste said, effectively trying to speak for everybody in the organization and downplaying concerns brought up by the now former SGB member. “I guess what we can all say is we were really confused and blindsided ourselves, because this was never something that was even brought up, at least as far as I know.”

Viljaste added that he wished Temmallo had communicated about how he felt so that any issues could have been resolved earlier, although, based on how the current administration dealt with the other issues mentioned in this article, Temmallo would likely have been met with sanctions, demotion, or expulsion from the University

Joe Landsittel, who served as co-Hand-of-the-King with Viljaste during the fall of Rome, said he feels as though friendships and politics are more involved in SGB decision making than they should be. (authors’ note: politics in student GOVERNMENT? Who would have thunk?)

“I think that it would be helpful to have an environment in SGB where people can disagree with each other without being disagreeable dicks or debby downers,” Landsittel said. “Where everybody in the room is listened to and, you know, decisions are made solely based on logical reasoning and critical thinking and not at all based on people’s opinions of each other. Like what I do. I’m so much better than you.” 

Landsittel said he thinks that the current board is aware of problems regarding communication, and hopes they work to “value a diversity of opinions in the room.”

“I think there are members of the board who are lame babies who aren’t capable of playing politics with the big boys,” Landsittel said. “I think that consensus on issues were formed faster than you would expect. But you know what they say about nice guys finishing last. I think the board would benefit from having more discussion when engaging with issues around campus.”

Viljaste said he thinks Ramanan went about her decision-making process correctly, and she spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how this will affect her LinkedIn profile. He added that the environment within SGB is “frat af” in terms of communication.

“I think that she spent a good amount of minutes after the event happened at the public meeting, really thinking about it and deliberating and taking her time and working with the people that she needed to, and thinking about it, and considering it, and pondering it,” Viljaste said. “So I think, personally, that we should have been easier on Shane Dawson. Like, what did he do that you wouldn’t do?.”

Temmallo said Sunday evening that it “ultimately comes down to everybody” — the Emperor and eight noblemen — to “try and connect the Ancient Crowns of the Eastern Kings and stop the Dark Lord” and ensure communication inside Essgeebee.

Floyd did not directly comment on the environment with Suhguhbuh, but said communication is crucial within student governance.

“I think just fostering good relationships between one another is really unimportant. I’m just saying there is conflict and people will die,” Floyd said. “I’m just saying, in order for us to make progress and work on initiatives, just fostering good relationships is just good for any governance or board structure in general. Just because of this I am fostering additional cats.

The Future of Presidents’ Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Eventually the PiTTTTTTTTTTiful News, the winning wheel of fortune question 4566 ACE (After Common Era))

  • Presidents’ Day is disbanded in 2044 after The Incident
  • Presidents’ Day is reinstated in 2045 following The Incident 2 now on HBO Max
  • Everyone grills kebabs instead of hot dogs
  • Future presidential candidates are only allowed to be born on Presidents’ day
  • It gets hotter
  • I get hotter
  • There is no music played to respect the victims of The Incidents and their families
  • The 84th Amendment requires all American citizens to party rock
  • Rent is even more expensive
  • Prohibition 12 removed, because the sale and usage of guacamole is a god given right 
  • It becomes an anarchist protest day in the streets of Seattle
  • Washington is born again, forcing us to change the holiday
  • President Sarah Yule is confirmed for her 27th consecutive term
  • The 85th Amendment bans the dougie
    • It also bans teaching others how to dougie
  • Pat Sajak still hosts wheel of fortune, selling vowels he does not own to middle age losers across the Multiverses  
  • Presidents’ Day becomes a global holiday after the American Empire destroys all borders
  • All citizens must sacrifice a goat to the ghosts of presidents past
  • The supply chain is still broken
  • No school!
  • New skin colors drop every 10 Presidents’ days 
  • The death penalty is reinstated in 3452 CE2 for those who do not say “big stretch” when a cat stretches  
  • My cyber-father calls me every Presidents’ Day to complain about how Presidents’ Day used to be better
  • Drink even more beer
  • The smoking age is lowered to 12 after President Joe Camel’s first executive order
  • The construction in Hillman is finally finished in 2973 CE
  • Voters are even more suppressed 
  • Election day is still not an intergalactic holiday 
  • All citizens must remember the exact order of all presidents or else they will be sent back to 3rd grade 
  • The red white and blue color scheme is replaced with pink, yellow, and a deep, haunting, bloody maroon.
  • McDonald’s begins selling the Presidential Porridge meal and accompanying toy of your favorite politicians
  • Monotheism is outlawed in favor of the Pittiful Pantheon where everyone worships Lord Tyler, the king of the gods, and his many Godlings  
  • The Eatery serves many of your favorite presidential-themed foods, such as bread, white bread, english muffins, and bread with a single dark raisin
  • Astrology is renounced as a belief system after it is revealed that the stars are flat
  • The current U.S. president has to race all other sitting Congressmen to determine who shall reign
  • It is accidentally renamed Precedents Day, unprecedentedly. 
  • Despite all of the clear warnings in the prophecy Jurassic Park, a dinosaur theme park is opened with real life dinos, this leads to a 5th great ice age as the space ice protectors saved Earth from the dinosaurs before so they will do it again.  
  • The president goes on Insta-Face-Meta-Snap-Disney+ Live to address concerns from their citizens
  • Pyramids begin to show up again all over the world, some from aliens, others built by earthlings  
  • The Council of Presidents decides to eliminate all public transport in 2104 to allow more defense spending
  • Every Presidents’ day, a time portal opens and allows anyone who wishes to travel to any other time until the next Presidents’ day where they get to choose to either stay another year, go back to their time, or pick a new time to live in. There are many Back to the Future paradoxes but no one complains because everyone creates paradoxes every once and a while. 
  • In 43 CE32 humans have developed 2 additional small lungs and are able to breath through their skin underwater, this is because the world is covered by water after the all of the ice ages caused by people bringing back the dinosaurs which then make the space ice protectors cause another mass extinction flooding the planet more
  • Presidents’ day is now daylights savings time part 13 

What We did for Valentine’s Day

By the riders of the Pitiful News

  • Sent 20,000 dms asking if girls were free on February 14th 
  • Fell to my knees in a Walmart
  • Drew myself a nice warm bath and listened to relaxing music. Self love is so important!
  • Wrote down every reason why no one will ever love me, ever
  • Got one day closer to downloading Tinder
  • Called my mom :)
  • Saw some guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
  • Sat on top of the Cathedral aiming a theoretical sniper scope at any couples I saw
  • Watched Love, actually
  • Spent the day doing “he loves me, he loves me not” in the Central park rose garden, by the end of the day they ran out of roses 
  • Watched Tall Girl 2
  • Grew my lust for Oscar the Grouch 
  • Met your mother for a tasteful dinner out on the town
  • Listened to Blonde by Frank Ocean
  • Drank fine wine while admiring the urn of my late ex husband who I killed 
  • Saw this guy who saw this guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
  • Had a lovely meal with a beautiful racoon, she picked the location, we ate out of the dumpster around the back of a whole foods
    • Fancy!! 
  • Queued up my 20,000 “u up?” dms to send out at 1:15 am February 15th 
  • My mommy was my valentine
  • Thought about you ;)
  • Did my annual shave 
  • Joined a convent 
  • Forgot to watch the Olympics, again
  • Spooned with my cat, so just a normal day 
  • Pondered the commodification of love
  • Bought chocolates
  • Hung up my skin after a long day’s work
  • Texted my psychiatrist, left on opened
  • Left the physical realm never to return
    • You went to Ohio, didn’t you?
      • *Ghostly nods* 
  • Bought a wedding ring for attention
  • Got sloshed at Nordy’s place, was banned for life
  • Participated in 3 flash mobs 
  • Prayed to Aphrodite to send me love this year, all i got in return was a quiver of arrows and a small bow 
  • Accidentally ruined a first date by assuming they were brother and sister
  • Stalked people from my high school on Instagram
  • Waited tables at applebees and witnessed 32 proposals
    • So, babes how did it go?
      • All of them said no except this one couple but it was clear that the girl was using him for free healthcare.
  • Skipped any song that mentioned love
  • Considered getting a septum piercing
  • Looked up why it’s called ‘Valentine’s Day.’ Execution is so romantic!
  • Read a few chapters of my book, the end of the book sure has a lot of blank pages, I wonder what that is about. 
  • Wrote a few chapters of my book. I hope nobody looks forward in the book. Most of the pages are blank, I don’t have to write fast, I just have to write faster than he reads. 
  • Began showing symptoms of a mid-life crisis
  • Gave myself a pep talk in the mirror to no avail
  • Distracted myself with Kanye’s instagram
  • Listened to the song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield (Slow version, Piano Ballad, No autotune) on repeat for 3 hours while cry-eating some cake :( 
  • Made a list of anyone who has ever wronged me. Your time will come.
  • Overslept my first class, out of love
  • Watched The Super bowl reruns, I can’t wait to see what happens to Ron Kostelnik he has a future ahead of him 
  • Lost a game of Go Fish to a very pumped trout, turns out I am a great motivator of fish

Unique Food the Eatery Is Feeding Us In These Trying Times

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the 5 time Gold Medalist, Ghengis Khan news)

Dear Blake Jenner, please rock the Danny Zuko hair all the ...

Dear Student,

In honor of the Winter Olympic Games Beijing 2022, Pitt Eats is sending your palate on a trip around the world! The Eatery will feature a different regional cuisine from Olympic competitors each day until the games conclude on Feb. 20.

  • Denmark
    • Boiled flannel shirts
    • Fish sticks
      • Fish dicks 
    • Beanboozled Harry Potter set… just the spinner
    • Danishes made out of real Danish people
  • Island of Themyscira
    • Pussy
    • Maracas filled with corn nuts that you smash like a piggy bank
  • Western Sahara
    • (leave blank)
  • Mexico
    • A single black bean, doused in hot sauce
    • Mexican Pizza (doing what Taco Bell is too pussy to do)
    • Canned corn labeled “maize” 
    • Authentic cane sugar Baja Blast
    • Catering by Chipotle 
  • Canada
    • Same food as normal, but you must aggressively thank the server and apologize for bothering them
    • Those fries with the gravy
      • Putin.
  •  The Vatican
    • The Pope’s pinky finger (while supplies last)
      • Supplies ran out :(
    • Consecrated Nilla Wafers
  • Italy
    • Domino’s Pizza
    • The Mona Lisa
    • Mario’s ass-stache
    • Fuckin’… spaghetti?
      • Spaghettabout it!
  •  Philadelphia
    • Wooder ice
    • Cheesed steak
    • Cream cheesh
  •  Japan
    • Raw fish in weed(s)
    • Giant squid
  • The United States of America
    • FAT BURGER 
    • Shittier remakes of every other food on this list
    • A Camelback backpack full of Hellman’s Mayonnaise
    • Insulin (upcharge)
  • Australia
    • sƃƃǝ uʍop-ǝpᴉsdn ǝpᴉs ʎuunS
    • sooɹɐƃuɐʞ ɟo ɥɔnod ǝɥʇ uᴉɥʇᴉʍ uǝppᴉɥ ʇɐǝɯ ɹǝpuǝʇ ǝɥ┴
    • sǝᴉqɐllɐM pǝ’Qqq
  • Israel
    •  Israeli Salad: loose cucumbers, tomatoes, and some sand
  •  Chile
    • Chili (Piping Hot)
  • Germany
    • Luxembourg 
    • Liechtenstein
    • The WURST sausage you’ve ever had
      • Little Deutsch humor for the cultured folk
    • Bier (pronounced like beer because German is English)
  • Colombia
    • So THAT’S what happened to Bruno’s rats… 
  • Spain
    • Same food as usual but dining halls open at 9pm
    • Nude chicken breasts
    • Bull fillet. Or maybe matador fillet? We don’t know.
      • Yet.
  • Turkey
    • Chicken Turkey
  • Switzerland
    • Chocolate covered pretzels
    • Chocolate covered Chocolate
    • Chocolate covered Nazi Gold 
    • Chocolate covered Rolex, in white gold
  • The left half of France
    • Bagu
  • The right half of France
    • ette
  • Greenland
    • See: Iceland
  • South Korea
    • actual South Korean foods
  • North Korea
    • (this bullet point was removed by our glorious leader Kim Jong-Un)
  • Russia
    • Jack Daniel’s water ice
    • One cigarette soaked in vo (puff)
      • dka  
    • Berlin Wall
  • Slovenia
    • Fun-colored snowcones!
      • Why are they all yellow…
  • Czechoslovakia
    • Dust, bones 
  • Czech Republic
    • Dust  
  • Slovakia
    • Bones
  • Greece
    • Anything they can sell us, they need the money 
      • Seriously, I invested in the National Bank of Greece in 2015 with my birthday money… taught me a lesson about financial literacy. My family had a field day. OH, they laughed. They laughed. 
    • Grease 
    • Grease 2
  •  United Kingdom
    • Literal fucking rocks (English scones) with a side of Lipton tea
    • Any food but Dr. Christian from British TV hit Supersize vs. Superskinny yells at you while you eat it
      • Are you really going to eat that takeaway? It’s absolutely MAMMOTH.
    • Crea and trumpets
    • A lovely buffet around the back of a co-op
    • The most disgusting green paste you’ve ever seen
    • Big communal bowl of marmite
      • We all kiss each other with tongue after we eat from it (to show international solidarity)
  • 1492 America
    • Black Death (Y. PESTIS) 
    • Fleas on rats 
    • Guns, germs, steel
  • Romania
    • A head of romaine lettuce
    • Meatballs
    • Sadness
  • Croatia
    • The coastline of Bosnia and Herzegovina
  • The Bikini Atoll
    • A delicious kebab, but radioactive 
  • Bikini Bottom
    • Pizza
    • The reason Mr. Krabs is the only Crab in town, aka Krabby Patties
  • Somalia
    • Baasto
    • Surbiyaan
    • Sambusas
    • Pirates
  • China
    • The vegetable-covered spaghetti that is creatively marketed as “Asian Noodles”
    • Whatever we found dumpster diving behind the local Chinese restaurants
  • Taiwan
    • Insert joke about real Chinese food here
  • Global Cuisine
    • Deep-fried surgical mask 
    • Tears of international students
  • Pittsburgh
    • Steel bars
    • Eatery food (meta?)
  • Mars
    • Red sand witches
    • Red salads
    • Communist Manifesto 
  • Saturn
    • His son
  • Litchfield Towers
    • Twenty four crushed Monster cans
    • Freshman blood
    • TikTok lights as noodles 
  • Sutherland Hall
    • The soul of Jock Sutherland
  • Antarctica 
    • Ozone-grilled polar bear
    • Ice water
  • The Moon
    • Bitcoin
    • Dogecoin
    • KumRocket
    • Jeff Bezos
    • Moon cheese
  • Iceland
    • See: Greenland 
  • Your mom
    • My ass 
  • My ass
    • Your mom
  • Hillman Library
    • No food or drink allowed 

Hope to see you there,

The Pitiful News Olympic Committee Panther Central