Today I ate a pizza

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Pizza delivery driver shares devious way they get back at customers who  don't tip - Mirror Online

               I was hungry earlier and I decided to order a pizza. This came with the built-in challenge of deciding what pizza place I want to go to. I don’t speak enough German to go to Papa Johns and I also do not vibe with racists. Dominos reminds me too much of my ex, Dominic. He and I got along for a while as we both love carefully setting events in peoples’ lives, building an elaborate web of lies and then knocking it all down and watching their lives crash and burn. We broke up because I found out he was cheating on me with one of the clouded leopards at the zoo.

               I decided to order pizza from Dan’s Pizza Joint. They sell pizzas and a joint, I did not buy the joint. I knew I was too lazy to get into my car and go somewhere, I also could not use my car as I had lent it to Kirby from the game Kirby, he was using it so he could turn into a wheel and beat up Tony Hawk. I don’t know what he has against Tony Hawk but I am not here to judge. This all culminated in me ordering the pizza for delivery. I got what I usually do, a vegan pizza and some garlic knots.

               In about an hour a handsome man appeared at my door. He had my food. I told him that I needed to grab my wallet from the other room and for him to just step inside. Something to note is that I have a rube Goldberg contraption set up so when someone comes through my door and stands on my front hall carpet the door will shut and lock behind them. This absolute himbo fell into my trap. Now that he was in my house, he was under the ancient tradition of guests.

               It is commonly known that a vampire must ask for permission to enter a house. Vampires must also give permission for someone to enter, or leave, their domain. For frequent readers of my articles, it should come as no surprise that I am a vampire. Another fun vampire fact is that we are just simply allergic to garlic in the same way that a person is lactose intolerant. It just makes us a bit nauseas. If you know any lactose intolerant people you will know that this never stops them from eating dairy, the same goes for vampires and garlic, I often take Gar-aid (not sponsored) when I am going to eat a lot of garlic. 

               Gar-aid (not sponsored) was the real reason why I went into the other room, I keep some in my wallet. Getting back to the handsome man standing in my front hall, I asked if I could drink his blood. I told him that I did not need to drink much, maybe a liter. As expected, he said yes. Most people willingly let me drink their blood, and actually I cannot drink their blood without their permission unless I kill them after, another vampire permission thing. I drank his blood and paid for the food and tipped extra for the delicious blood. Once he left, I went and ate the food I ordered. Next month this cycle will begin anew with a new donor.

               Wait, a month, cycle, those things have something to do with each other for non-vampires, right? If you have any ideas on the connection or other good places for me to quench my thirst and my thirstiness at the same time, please get in contact with me (you can use pittifulnews@gmail.com or submit an advice request on our website).

Woman who opens public bathroom door without knocking literally raised by wolves

By Hannah Lynn

In the middle of a bustling California Pizza Kitchen, 19-year-old Kathy Lupin caused a stir when she opened a one-stall public bathroom, without knocking, to find another young woman, 33-year-old Shelly Koch, peeing. Koch shrieked and Devine seemed shocked to find the bathroom occupied even though, as previously stated, she didn’t knock.


Several patrons of the restaurant shook their heads disapprovingly as they shoved another bite of Caesar salad down their gullets. “Well now who doesn’t knock? That’s just plain wrong,” said waiter Olga Croutonn. “I mean was she raised by wolves?”

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that Kathy Lupin was in fact raised by wolves. She initially declined to comment because she doesn’t know English, but then agreed with the help of a Wolvish-English translator.

“I didn’t know you had to knock. If one is disrobing, why not lock wood slab [door]?” Lupin said before looking wistfully at the daytime moon. “I apologize but that woman will not survive in these times.”


Despite speaking English, Shelly Koch declined to comment.

Woman who doesn’t lock public bathroom door killed by her own naïveté

By Hannah Lynn

On Monday, tragedy struck as 19-year-old Shelly Koch was killed in an apparent wolf attack in a public bathroom at an Olive Garden restaurant. Investigations are underway by local police and animal to figure out the cause of death as well as how a wild wolf entered unnoticed into an Olive Garden.


Police Officer Willy Wallace believes that Koch left the bathroom door unlocked and is therefore partially responsible. “Look, I’m not saying it’s her fault a wolf attacked her in an Olive Garden, but those locks are there for a reason,” he said.


Clarissa Clearwater, a patron who was in line for the bathroom, witnessed to the incident in its entirety. “It was crazy, the wolf just came out of nowhere and burst into the bathroom!” she said. “And frankly I find it hard to believe that this wolf didn’t see me waiting in line. I still haven’t peed!”


When asked whether she feels sympathy for Koch, Clearwater indicates a similar belief to Wallace. “I knocked because I was not raised in the woods, but what kind of psycho doesn’t lock a public bathroom door?” she said.

The wolf was sedated by animal control but unfortunately it was too late for Koch. Both carcasses have been removed and the bathroom will re-open as soon as possible. Olive Garden requests that female use the restroom across the street at California Pizza Kitchen. Olive Garden also requests that female patrons stop trying to use the intact men’s bathroom because it’s causing too much commotion among customers.