Local Student Takes Break from Constant Anxiety to Eat Granola Bar

By Riley Weber

Spectators were amazed last Sunday when student Eric Mills arose from his couch in order to go to his kitchen and grab a snack. Mills proceeded to open a box of granola bars and after a brief pause, selected the chocolate chip flavor. He then returned to his spot on the couch, only stopping for a second to wonder about that stain on his coffee table.

This would be the third time that day Mills had moved from the couch, the first two being a trip to the bathroom and an accidental fall during a nap. “I was just between thinking about how I’m going to fail my Biology lab and thinking that that girl in my calculus class thinks I’m a goddamn loser when it occurred to me that I should probably eat something so I don’t waste away and die,” Mills said. The excursion to the kitchen took place at approximately 4:56 PM according to Mills. “I know because around that time my friend asked if I wanted to hang out and I remember thinking that I couldn’t because I had too much work to do and also am a poison to those around me.”
Reactions to Mills’ trip were varied. The Quaker Oats Company put out the following statement “We’re very pleased that Eric chose our product for his existential crisis. We hope to maintain the image that our company makes the perfect product for not letting your body digest its own muscle in order to survive.” This event is following the groundbreaking venture by Katherine Dolphman, who attracted media attention when she stopped in the middle of her mental breakdown drink a glass of water earlier this week. Mills closed with the announcement that the granola bar was somewhat satisfying, and that he may even try to eat another tomorrow after putting his life back together piece by piece.

How To Break The Ice On A First Date

 by Jessica Simpson

  1. Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant like Olive Garden.  Bitches love pasta.
  2. Take a lesson from Pathfinders and avoid traditional ice-breaking techniques.
  3. Buy an ice sculpture in the shape of a giant cube, a swan, or Cupid.
  4. Carry said sculpture with you in a red wagon to the restaurant. Beware of bumps on the sidewalk or people mistaking the sculpture for your child.
  5. Arrive at the restaurant 15 minutes before your date.  The element of surprise is vital.
  6. Have a waiter bring the ice to your table after you’ve eaten all of the breadsticks.
  7. Take out your spare hammer, knife, or small chainsaw and start to hit the sculpture violently.  Put your back into it.  The cold never bothered you anyway.
  8. Don’t forget to bring an extra hammer, knife, or small chainsaw for your date—you can’t break the ice alone.
  9. The ice must not melt!  Vanilla Ice, Ice T, and Ice Cube all recommend that if the task proves too slippery, you and your potential lover must tackle the sculpture.
  10. If that doesn’t work out just crush some ice cubes from a glass of water with your fist and call it a day.