Types of Hands


By the writers of the Pittiful News

  1. Jazz hands
  2. Party hands
  3. Helping hands
  4. Sticky hands, with sticky fingers
  5. Small hands
  6. Grabby hands
  7. A singular piece of what a random website calls Plastic Robot Claw Hand Grabber Grabbing Stick Kid Boy Toy Move and Grab Things
  8. Cold hands
  9. Warm hands
  10. Slappy hands
  11. Raccoon hands!
  12. Hands, touching hands (reaching out)
  13. Farm hands
  14. Funny hands, with funny bones
  15. Near hands
  16. Far hands
  17. Wherever you are hands
  18. Stay at home hands (please)
  19. Hand, with five little piggies on it
  20. Handy Manny
  21. Goose strangler – sometimes they give you no choice

Student Sells Body Parts for New Minimalist Lifestyle

By Dana Good

Since the minute she stepped foot on campus, Samantha Brown was constantly told she needs to go to graduate school. After doing some research, Brown was slightly disheartened by the high cost, but found a new positive outlook on the situation, “I didn’t think it was going to be that expensive, but I’m not too worried about paying for it. I found out that in Mexico City they pay $55,000 just for a kidney. That got me thinking—I can sell all of these body parts I have no use for and pay for grad school. It’s very chic.”
Brown told the Pittiful News about which body parts she plans on harvesting and selling over the course of the next few years, “I never really listen to what other people say and I have this cool cartilage piercing, so I’ll probably cut off both of my ears and sell them the next time I’m in Cancun. I also don’t have much use for my left leg; I feel like it just kind of weighs me down and makes putting on pants much harder than is necessary so that’ll go, too.” She continued to tell our reporter that washing her hair and washing her hands has become very tiresome so it’s likely that she will scalp herself and cut off both of her hands (including forearms) just to make life a little easier. “Also,” said Brown, “I feel like large intestines are so 2009 and same goes for every single one of my white and red blood cells. Like who needs those? It’s just clutter.” Brown told the Pittiful News that she is looking forward to a much more efficient lifestyle, and now she will have a lot more free time to do the things she enjoys, as she won’t be so preoccupied “lugging around that body of hers”.