LoL@Pitt under investigation after killing Make-A-Wish kid

By John Travolta

LOL

September 22nd marked the Pitt League of Legends Fall draft and everything was fine and dandy… until it wasn’t. At the conclusion of the draft, it came to the draft administrators’ attention that they’d accidentally skipped over a player, 14-year-old Johny Berg, who is suffering from liver cancer and made the wish to play in Pitt’s League of Legends league with his few months left in this world.

When the draft administrator, Richard Wanker, realized this mishap had taken place he knew there was only one thing left to do. He and the Pitt A-team, went to the hospital Berg was getting treatment from, and suffocated him in bed. “We know the horrible nature of this act,” said Pitt team captain, Chancellor Gallagher, “but it was the only way to save all the captains an hour of their precious masturbation time. A re-draft was not gonna happen, it would have caused a freaking riot!”

The police chief who was on this case respected the complexity of this case, “Well, on one hand, this is a brutal murder of a vulnerable person. But on the other hand, college kids need to jerk off, so what can I say?” Some people are feeling less understanding. Upon interviewing the victim’s mom, she shouted, “Fuck those kids, I’m in the process of hiring a mercenary to kill all their families and then cut off all their fucking limbs!” Damn, bitches be crazy! Well, that’s all from me today, folks.

Obituary: Hot Girl Summer

By Zach Hartman and Sonya Acharya

Hot girl

 

With a heavy heart, The Pittiful News mourns the passing of Hot Girl Summer. She will be remembered as a special moment, a movement, a motion. With each sticker she added to her Hydroflask, she brought more joy to this world than the TikTok with the cat set to Mr. Sandman. Summer encouraged all of us to check our vibes, live, laugh and love, and find the hot girl within each of us.

Hot Girl Summer entered this world through Twitter earlier this year in June, and though her time here was short, it feels like she’s been here a lifetime. Hot Girl Summer is survived by her loving sisters from Delta Nu, VSCO Girl Autumn and Holiday Hoe Winter. The three of them were known by their friends as “Mother Nature’s bitches”. VSCO Girl Autumn will rise up out of the pumpkin patch to carry on the legacy of Summer as Mother Nature’s new best bitch.

A memorial service will be held during golden hour in Schenley Plaza next Sunday. Succulents may be sent to the Amos Hall Starbucks (4022 Fifth Avenue, Pittsburgh, PA, 15213).

 

Editor’s Note: Since publication, Autumn has cancelled Winter. We can only hope they resolve their differences in the next few months. Sksksksksksksksksk.