By Lord Tyler Sikov
If you turn the news on right now you will probably hear that many protestors have stormed the capitol building. Just like the amount of people that showed up to Trump’s inauguration, the number of protestors has been greatly exaggerated. It is just me here. I mean the congress members are also here, but I am the only protestor. What am I protesting you might ask; well, I am protesting the injustice that has been perpetrated against penguins. The past several times I have released penguins into the chambers of congress everyone freaked out. Did I toss a few off of the balcony making them land on some senators’ heads, possibly? But they did not react the way I hoped they would so I have infiltrated the capital to lighten the mood by pulling a number of other zany pranks.
The first prank I am pulling is ding dong ditching the congress members in alphabetical order. I started with Susan Collins and ended with Mitch McConnell. None of them saw it was me, as I was dressed like a mummy mummy. That is a mummy dressed as an old timey British mother. This wacky fool that I pulled did not feel like it got my message across so I moved onto my second prank. I flooded the entire building with laughing gas. This was good as they had run out in the basement dentist’s office and Orin Hatch was getting a root canal. That spoof seemed like something the joker would do, and as I don’t like copying my uncle, I moved onto my next prank quickly.
I went and found all of the presidential photos. I drew mustaches on the presidents that did not have mustaches and I removed the mustaches from the portraits that had mustaches. This was seeming rather small scale so I decided to step up my game. I went to one of the large open rooms filled with statues. I began to move the statues to different places. But every time I would look back, the statues would be right back where they started. I determined that they had some sort of spell on them similar to the one in the movie Night at the Museum. So, I went and asked nicely if they would move to random places and help me with my wacky hijinks. They happily helped, if there is one thing I know about statues it is that they love pulling pranks.
This is where the problem began. Capitol police were called to the scene. By this point I had already placed jello recreations of all of the congress members in their seat on the house and senate floor. I also meticulously made jello capitol police, this confused the human police enough for me to escape. The news stations have been painting what I did as an insurrection and claim that I have seditious intent. While I have in the past successfully overthrown the government, this was not one of those time. This is all to say that there may be a few less articles by me for a bit, it all depends on the grand jury’s vote. I have catnapped most of the jury members’ cats for a bit of incentive for them to not indict me.
The Pitiful News 