Things You Could Buy With the Money You’re Saving by Not Having a Wedding

By: Abby Stoudt

Great news LGBT community! In light of Justice Barret being appointed to the Supreme Court, I’m making a list of all the fun things we can buy instead of paying for a wedding. So, instead of dropping 30 grand on a wedding, you can now afford:

  1. 2,727 frog shaped coin purses
  2. An unlimited amount of Turning Point USA activism kits whose pins you can then repurpose with $30,000 worth of Posca markers (While we’re dropping $30,000 we might as well buy the good stuff)
  3. 600 pairs of rainbow crocs
  4. A brand new Subaru
  5. 428 Seinfeld boxed sets
  6. 131 Bokuto plushies (but the huge one because again, we’re treating ourselves, LGBT community <3)
  7. 600 Iconic Milk Bar birthday cakes
  8. Roughly 7,500 of my go-to Starbucks order: A grande iced coffee with sweet cream and 3 pumps of white mocha
  9. 1,666 copies of the Trolls Soundtrack on vinyl and 428 record players to listen to it on
  10. 1,578 tapestries that depict Robert Pattinson standing in his kitchen

Well, I hope this helps because you all know what they say: retail therapy is a valid form of therapy.

But on a more serious note everyone, we’re showing the jokes the door for a moment, I know that times feel really rough right now but we will make it through this together. I love you <3.

PTO President Sends Threats via Edible Arrangements

By Sharon George

Candice Goldman, 35, of Appleton, Wisconsin has recently been charged with sending threatening Edible Arrangements to fellow PTO members. In a statement released today Goldman says, “I wasn’t threatening them, god no I would never! It’s just that I feel like Laura, my daughter– she’s actually talking all AP classes this year on top of being the Captain of her dance troupe can you believe it? I feel like we’re the only ones who really get it, and excuse me for wanting to send that message to the other moms in a fun and fruity way”.

Chloe Samuels is one of many victims of Goldman’s Edible Intimidation. In September Samuels was in charge of the snack table during Velma Barefield Elementary’s 5th grade recital. The next day she received a smashed basket of chocolate strawberries with the message “maybe next time try selling actual food instead of your usual bullshit, you stupid cunt”.

Jessica Smith, a fellow PTO mom, opened up about her experience. “It happened right after my daughter Jane had a few friends over. It was just girls having fun in the basement, and in my house we don’t believe in channel restrictions. My husband and I believe in free media, and we let the kids buy whatever On Demand. I guess that was too much for Candice because the next day I got a delivery. It was an Edible Arrangement with a knife stuck in the cantaloupe and a note that said “I’m the cool mom, got it Jess?”