I Accidentally Summoned Mortal Kombat Characters into Animal Crossing: Here’s What Happened

By Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, Abby Stoudt

Authors’ Note: We wrote this as two people who have only ever played Animal Crossing and one person who has only ever played Mortal Kombat

 

So, since the launch of Animal Crossing New Horizons in March, my life has become centered around Pietro the sheep. Every single night I close my eyes to sleep and I dream about him. My waking hours are filled with thoughts about his silly little clown face. I want nothing more than to have him live on my island and be my best friend and yet, he has yet to move in.

 

I spent hundreds of hours grinding to earn Nook Miles so that I could buy tickets to visit other islands and find Pietro and I just couldn’t find him. Friends offered to invite me onto their islands to ask their Pietro’s to move onto my islands and on the very day that I planned to ask him to move in, someone else took his place.

 

Needless to say, I was getting desperate. So, I decided to buy some amiibo cards off of eBay. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I needed the clown sheep on my island. I needed it more than I needed air to breathe. However, when the cards came in the mail, I noticed something weird: they were unmarked. I didn’t think anything much about it, only that I would have to scan them all to find the Pietro one; but when I scanned one into the game, I noticed something weird. They didn’t call a lovable sheep or cat or other similarly cute animal, they summoned Mortal Kombat characters who I couldn’t get to move out at all. Here are some of the weird things that happened once they moved in.

 

1. My villagers can now perform x-ray fatalities
2. Biff started greeting me with “Time to die, little man” instead of “MUSCLE MADNESS”
3. Raymond has now begun to attempt Rolling Thunder (Raiden) on Peaches
4. Scorpion has a peaceful home where he has many pet scorpions, then once he leaves his home he stabs people though their skulls with his chain knives
5. Sahara the traveling carpet dealer is now only selling trait cards
6. Isabelle’s business casual attire started to become a little more Kombat-casual
7. The only way to get a five star rating is to fight every Jock villager in a grueling 76-on-1 match
8. Tortimer has come back for final revenge on Johnny Cage
9. The female characters all have tiddies
10. Nightwolf has started killing my villagers to add their animal spirits to his army
11. Tom Nook now routinely removes disobedient villagers spines and then impales them with their own spine
12. Goro has now mated with many villagers to create a generation of villagers with four arms
13. Timmy and Tommy swear now
14. Kotal Kahn is now forcing all of the villagers to come to his talks about te Mongol Empire
15. Absolute Zero froze the water around my island, collapsing the thriving fishing industry

 

An Incomplete List of Things to add to your Cereal

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

 

1. Water
2. Orange juice
3. Straight vodka
4. The concept of time
5. Every banger on the soundtrack of Shrek (2001)
6. Your dog
7. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH (a loud scream)
8. Sap
9. Pasta water
10. The Cranberries
11. A flight of craft beers from your nearest and most hipsterest craft brewery
12. My dog
13. Pepsi (Coke is Not OK)
14. Bone hurting juice
15. Blood
16. A quad espresso and a large Red Bull
17. The bible
18. Maple syrup
19. Candy corn
20. Gasoline
21. My friend Terri
22. Almond milk, coconut milk, cashew milk, macadamia milk, and other nut milks
23. Whole strawberries, like they do on the front of the box
    1. Wait this doesn’t taste good, who thought of this
24. Barber Shop 2
25. A collection of small toy soldiers who you are almost certain are planning an uprising against you
26. Your Mom, cause she’s a snack
27. A 3-D printed Save symbol, a.k.a. A floppy disc
    1. Wait, do kids still remember those?
       1. No, no they do not.
28. Little tiny knives, to make breakfast more exciting
29. A horcrux
30. Salsa

 

Fall Flavored Drugs

By Megan Kline

A leaf fell, and you know what that means. IT’S FALL! It’s officially the best season of the year, so why not celebrate with some new seasonal flavored drugs? Pre-game those pumpkin patches and apple orchards with the latest and greatest seasonal selections! MMM…Fall sure is addicting!

1. Pumpkin Spice Smack

Yum! Starbucks has nothing on this sweet new flavor, available at your local drug dealer for a limited time only. It’s a favorite!

2. Apple Cinnamon Crank

Hints of cinnamon sticks and aromatic apple in this crystal meth really make losing your teeth taste that much better!

3. Maple Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)

It may look impossible to pronounce, but it tastes just like Mrs. Butterworths Classic Syrup! Delicious!

4. Caramel Apple A-bomb

Drizzle your marijuana cigarettes with heroin, opium, acid, and a touch of caramel! You don’t even have to bite into this one!  

5. Butternut Squash Sativa

A savory cannabis, squash really livens up this cool plant, and makes for a warm and fulfilling and savory drug! A treat for all! Have it as a side-dish at your next dinner party!

6. Nutmeg Nubs

Peyote with a dash of nutmeg? Sold! This is a classic, and studies show nutmeg can even help speed up your metabolism while you hallucinate an eternal fall. Amazing health benefits!