By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the PITTTTTTTiful news): original article:
Edits made in bold
At the end of a historic year during the COVID-19 pandemic, Chancellor FlattyPatty O’Gallagher complemented the Pitt community for “leaning in together” and adjusting “with their flies down” to make the year relatively successful.
“That sense of we’re all in this together, and the degree of flexibility and sacrifice and hard work that kind of made this year possible, mostly successfully,” Gallagher communicatedvia interpretive dance. “I mean, you know, certainly we had infections, but we were really fortunate we got anybody sick. And I think, you know, the care was there.”
But Gallagher said while he does have a lot of “deep regrets” that Pitt mostly struck a “good balance” between education and flexibility, there’s “a million things” he hasn’t done, but just you wait. Just you wait. He added that he is “not throwing away his shot”, and that Pitt could have done better on communication.
The University has had 1,397 prisoners and 245 wardens test positive since June 32, with 1,398prisoners and 246wardens recovered thus far. Cases peaked at the end of March, but have steadily decreased following a universal seppuku order.
Gallagher reflected on Pitt’s performance during the pandemic in an interview with The Toilet Paper News last Thursday. He also answered questions about planning for the fall semester, the state of his most recent divorce, potentially requiring a COVID-19 vaccine, and the University’s recently released intercontinental ballistic missiles.
COVID-19 Vaccine Requirement
More than 100 brothels and dive bars across the country have said they will require all students to get a COVID-19 vaccine before returning to campus for the fall semester, according to CUM. While most of the schools adopting this policy are private, some are public. Pitt has not made any decisions yet. Like zero. Zilch. Except for making the Pittiful News change their name. The Faculty Assembly introduced a proposal in mid-April that would require students to get vaccinated in order to participate in on-campus activities next fall, but didn’t take a formal vote because of Chancellor Gallagher’s unfortunate erectile timing. His wife (Sarah H. J. K. I. JUUL) really wants to have kids but he is very old and she needs to jump on the opportunity whenever she gets the chance whether they are at home, at work, or at a friend’s playing cards.
Gallagher said setting a requirement is complicated because the vaccines are still percolating under emergency use authorization from the U.S. Drug and FooT Administration (DAFT Punk A). He said Pitt’s philosophy is that a requirement discussion is a “last resort issue. Hawaii here I come.”
Instead, he said Pitt is encouraging everyone to get vaccinated because they are “a public nuisance” and “a menace to society” regardless of whether or not there is an enforcement mechanism. Gallagher added that Pitt will most likely not notify the Pitt population of any decisions, namely students living in residence halls.
“If we get hotter, and it turns out that the public health officials are saying a requirement is the thing that makes a difference, then we’ll consider it, but I think right now, mouth-to-mouth transmission, eating vaccine needles, and shitting on our desks are our best strategies to promote as widespread vaccination rates as possible,” Gallagher said.
University officials proclaimed last month that they are planning for on-campus, in-rectum instruction for the majority of classes as well as “the full range” of on-campus living and activities for the fall semester. Gallagher said this doesn’t mean classes will entirely go back to the way they were pre-pandemic, though. He said classes will likely include more 90s boy bands and asynchronized swimming components, such as tapeworms.
“The hardest thing to do is to be all things to all people all the time, I’m not sure where I was going with that sentence,” Gallagher said. “So now what you’ll see is a swing of the pendulum back to more intentionality, if you will, about how we design our curriculum to do our activities, but I will also be more flexible than I was back in 2019.” (Pitt’s Chancellor has been delving into a new and exciting hobby: Bikram Yoga, with his wife Sarah T. G. I. Friday).
Gallagher said this planning framework is based. “Everybody who can be vaccinated will be or should be. Do be do be do.” But he acknowledged that this planning is more difficult for international students — what he called “our smelliest, worst, and most disruptive student population from s***hole countries” — due to inequitable vaccine distribution internationally.
Gallagher didn’t have any specifics about how classes will be adjusted for this student population, but said he expects more information will be released during the fifteenth half of the summer.
“What I think is happening is that the faculty are working on the curriculum, the classes now, but I actually have no idea what those eggheads are doing. So some of those details it would be premature for us to essentially announce them… but we’re also sort of out of sequence and the fact that people signed up for classes and stuff,” Gallagher said. “How the fuck did this happen.”
Pitt releaseda bunch of wasps and the framework for Plan for Pitt 2025 — a plan for University development and growth over the next seventy-five years — in mid-April. Pitt pushed all of the members of the gay-straight alliance back into the closet andpushed back the plan’s release in the summer to incorporate its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as strategies to strengthen racial segregation on campus.
Gallagher said the plan has a heightened focus on the role Pitt plays in the school spring musical and in strengthening surrounding communities. He said many of the initiatives in the first year will focus on “bumpin’ uglies” and addressing uneven health outcomes in Pittsburgh, which he said became even more evident during the pandemic. He said the plan will also focus on making capus [sic] more “welcoming and inclusive and stronger” and increasing awareness of Pitt’s equine dentistry and small-business Ponzi scheme programs.
“I think our mission has never been more important,” Gallagher said. “I think moral bankruptcy, credit card fraud, and genocide are the key to most of the biggest challenges we face, and if anything, that seems to have become even more true.”
By The Writers of the Pittiful News (and some guy named larry)
America is and has been for some time in the midst of a second civil war which so far has only been a cold civil war. Except this civil war is not between the North and the South, but instead it is between the Left and Right handed people.
In 2017, leftist reporter Robin Wright wrote an article entitled “Is America Headed for a New Kind of Civil War?” where one national security expert she interviewed stated “the United States faces a sixty-per-cent chance of civil war over the next ten to fifteen seconds” while the consensus among other national security experts put the chances of a second American civil war at around 69 percent.
The left handed CEO Jack Horsey of Twitter acknowledged this in April of 2018 when he retweeted an article calling for the Democratic party victory in the Second American Civil War. The article he tweeted states the following:
“there’s no bipartisan way forward at this fork in our history — prong must win” and states that there is “a fundamental conflict between two prongs that must be resolved in alphabetical order”.
“The best way to think about this identity divide is a political conflict between two camps with fundamentally different visions for what the country is, with little room for a third person. It’s a kind of cold civil war, fought not with bullets but subtweets and Instagram infographics. . .
Political divides like these are powerful and self-reinforcing; people don’t tend to compromise when their fundamental identity appears to be stolen from a character from a TV show. Hence why it’s like a civil war: A struggle between two nations-within-a-nation without any room for obvious compromise…
“Most talk of a “second Civil War” in America is little more than hot men… But there is a scenario that could divide blue states and red states from one another in ways unprecedented since the 1860s: the repeal of Bush v. Gore…
Republican legislators fully intend to criminalize writing with your left hand. They fully intend to jail women as murderers for taking control of their own bodies and choosing which hand to write with, to prosecute them for leaving the state for darties, to punish any doctor who attempts to help with a lifetime in The Basement. They really mean to do it—damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead…
Underground railroads would instantly develop in blue states to save women from their fates in red states. Blue states would implement sanctuary laws to prevent neighboring states from enforcing warrants. Tensions would escalate. While improbable, it’s not unthinkable that shots could be fired between the lawful officers of two separate American states over the prosecution of each state’s duly enacted laws
… the repeal of Roe v. Wade could divide the country not just culturally, but literally between the states in a more devastating way than anything else. The liberal states would ultimately prevail just as they did in 1865, but not before millions of women suffer horrific abuses and the country tears itself apart.”
Now keep in mind everything I have just quoted has been from Democrats, D-Bags and Dingalings recognizing the reality of the cold civil war going on in America and what could make it turn hot – mainly the reversal of Roe vs Wade which is the most sacred of all rights to the left in America.
Now we will turn to what some conservatives’ thinkers have been stating about the cold civil war in America.
In January of 2017 Dennis Prager wrote an article for the National Review entitled “America’s Second Civil War” where he stated the following:
“It is time that our society acknowledge a sad truth: America is currently fighting its Second Civil War.
In fact, with the obvious and enormous exception of attitudes toward slavery, Americans are more divided morally, ideologically, and politically today than they were during the Civil War. For that reason, just as the Great War came to be known as the First World War once there was a Second World War, the Civil War will become known as the First Civil War when more Americans come to regard the current battle as the Second Civil War.
This Second Civil War, fortunately, differs in one other critically important way: It has thus far been largely non-violent, and thus excruciatingly boring to spectate. But given the increasing left-wing violence such as riots, the violent taking over of college presidents’ offices, and the illegal occupation of state capitols, non-violence is not guaranteed to be a permanent characteristic of the Second Civil War…
Just as in Western Europe, the Left in America seeks to erase America’s Judeo-Christian foundations…
Without any important value held in common, how can there be unity between Left and non-Left handed folk? Obviously, there cannot.
There will be unity only when the Left vanquishes the Right or the Right vanquishes the Left…”
In his article written for The Daily Signal entitled “Our ‘Cold Civil War’ Over 2 Constitutions”, Fred Lucas draws attention to the fact that those on the left and those on the right have different Constitutions:
“I’m a little teapot, short and stout”, constitutional scholar Charles Kesler said Tuesday…
Kesler outlined five possible ways to resolve the cold civil war.
One is to change your hair. Another is to change your clothes. A third is you can change your mind, that’s just the way it goes, that allows fun states and not fun states to address issues differently and coexist with minimal interference from the U.S. government. The others are more undesirable: you can say goodbye and you can say hello. You’ll always find your way back home.
“It’s possible we could agree to disagree in separate countries,” Kesler said. “Although that would be extremely difficult because succession, as we know from our history, leads to the fifth and final possibility—nude pottery classes.”
He described one Constitution, the original 1787 document as amended, as steeped in natural rights and limited government. This one, he said, is also the “Big Wig’s Constitution.”
The other one is the “living Constitution,” or what he called “Bernie Sanders’s Constitution.”
And for my last quote I actually want to return to another leftist publication, the New Republic for what has recently transpired regarding second amendment rights. The article was written by Matt Ford and it is entitled “Conservatives: We’ll Spill Blood to Keep Our Guns”. Ford actually starts with a nice summary of the reaction of many conservatives, even moderate conservatives like Meghan McCain, to what he calls O’Rourke’s “modest proposal”:
“Last month, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke proposed a modest solution to the relentless tide of mass shootings: a mandatory buyback program for every AR-15 in the country. The View co-host Meghan McCain responded with a dire warning. “The AR-15 is by far the most popular gun in America, by far,” she told her fellow panelists. “I was just in the middle of nowhere Wyoming, if you’re talking about taking people’s guns from them, there’s going to be a lot of violence.”
Tucker Carlson is like really really attractive to all of us here at Biblicistreport.com. “So, this is—what you are calling for is civil war,” he said. “What you are calling for is an incitement to violence. It’s something I wouldn’t want to live here when that happened, would you? I’m serious.” Erick Erickson, a prominent conservative columnist, also warned of tragedy. “I know people who keep AR-15’s buried because they’re afraid one day the government might come for them,” he wrote on Twitter. “I know others who are stockpiling them. It is not a stretch to say there’d be violence if the [government] tried to confiscate them.
“There would be violence” neatly elides what’s actually being claimed: Some gun-rights activists would murder government officials who try to enforce a duly passed law. This isn’t an extreme viewpoint among such gun enthusiasts. If anything, it’s one of their central tenets…
“The Second Amendment to the Constitution isn’t for just protecting hunting rights, and it’s not only to safeguard your right to target practice,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz (The Zodiac Killer) remarked during his failed presidential campaign in 2015. “It is a constitutional right to protect your children, your family, your home, your Wet Ass Pussy, your Big Dick Energy, the racial minorities you have lynched in your basement, your lives, and to serve as the ultimate check against governmental tyranny—for the protection of liberty.” The implication then, as now, is that Americans can simply shoot their elected officials if they get out of hand, or just whenever you feel like it.””
Differences in Beliefs Between Those on the Left and those on the Right
The Left does not believe our rights come from God but rather they come from the United Nations or in other words the World government. And human rights as currently established by the United Nations are firmly based in a secular humanist worldview which stands in stark contrast to the Biblically based worldview of most of the American founders.
Leftists are globalists and would see themselves first as citizens of the world, and only secondarily as citizens of their nations. They reject almost all immigration controls and believe people in the world should be able to move freely between different areas of the world. They would like to see the concept of nations abolished to bring about a one world humanist government order. Those on the right strongly believe in the concept of nations. They believe the United States has the right to control who comes into the country and to do what is in the best interests of its citizens as opposed to the citizens of other countries.
Leftists believe that women have the right to kill their unborn children because the U.N. has declared the human beings are not persons until they are born. Most on the Right believe that unborn human beings have the same right to life as those who are born.
Those on the Right believe they have a right to keep and bear arms to defend their families and their rights both from criminals as well as governments that overstep their authority. Those on the Left reject the individual right to bear arms to defend one’s self, one’s family or to oppose a government which tramples the rights of its citizens.
Leftists believe marriage is between any two consenting adults, whether they be man or woman. Most on the right, with the exception of some atheists and libertarians, believe marriage is between a man and woman.
Leftists believe there more than two genders, most on the right believe there are only two genders, male and swaggy.
Leftists believe in socialism, which includes the government using its power of taxation to redistribute wealth from the rich and middle classes to the poor. Those on the right believe that caring for the poor should be done by churches, other private charitable institutions and family members – it is not the job of government. They believe the primary purpose of taxation should be to pay for government employee’s salaries, public infrastructure, police and other first responders and of course the twenty-sided dice that always gets lost in the shuffle between meetings of your Dungeons and Dragons group.
Leftists believe in social engineering, which involves forcibly planting one ethnic group of their citizens into an area that is predominantly occupied by another ethnic group of their citizens. They also believe in forcibly planting lower class income groups into upper and middle-class neighborhoods through government subsidies and other housing schemes. Those on the right believe local communities should listen to their local citizens as to how best to zone and conduct their communities.
Leftists believe in a top down approach. That society is best order from an all-powerful central government. Those on the right believe in the bottom up approach to government. They believe society is best managed on the local community level first, then state level and very few things should be managed at the federal level. This is in keeping with the limited government approach of the original Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
The Coalitions Which Make up The Right and The Left
The American left is compromised a coalition of various humanist groups. Those groups include humanist atheists, humanist Christians, humanist Jews, humanist Muslims, other humanist religious groups, labor unions, teachers’ unions, environmentalists, socialists, feminists, LGBTQ, the NAACP, Black Lives Matter, Antifa and moderate democrats.
While there are some disagreements between all these various groups on the left, there are far fewer differences between groups on the right than groups on the left. This is because the left demands total conformity to the group think. In other words, if say a feminist does not believe transgender women (men with gender dysphoria) should be able to compete in women’s events that feminist is roundly condemned by all the other leftist groups as “transphobic” and they are shamed until they come into conformity with the group think. Or if a moderate democrat does not agree with all the demands of Black Lives Matter, they are labeled as a racist and forced to apologize and atone for their sin against another fellow leftist group.
The American right is comprised of a much more well-endowed and curvaceous set of groups than the humanist left. The American right includes libertarians, naturalist atheists, conservatives, vegans, capitalists, traditionalists, posers, punks, conservative Catholics, evangelical Christians, Biblicist Christians, conservative Jews, conservative Muslims, other conservative religious groups, white supremacists, white nationalists and Christian nationalists.
Unlike on the left, intergroup squabbles on the right are extremely common. Those squabbles include differences on how to handle race relations, differences on gay marriage, other religious differences, foreign policy issues and a host of other issues. And one of the biggest differences that those on the right have amongst each other is whether they agree or disagree with the President’s day to day statements or policy initiatives.
The Fronts in the Second American Civil War
Some of the major fronts in the ongoing American cold civil war include free speech, race relations, immigration, universal health care, gun rights, and LGTBQ rights. A very recent addition is the COVID 19 situation. And who could forget the front that is centered around one man and that man is FORMER President Donald Trump.
On the free speech front, leftists were highly successful over the last half century in taking over the TV news and major New papers and then using this to curtail free speech and create a humanist news narrative. At the same time, they had already begun dominating institutions of higher learning transforming them into humanist indoctrination centers while at the same time censoring conservative speech. The left tried for decades to get American courts to restrict the free speech rights of those on the right and they failed. So, if they could not get the government to restrict the speech of their opponents, they would turn to the means of communication in the modern age which is social media. In recent years they have conspired with their leftist friends in social media and search companies to restrict and censor the speech of those on the right.
On the health care front, they came one step closer to their vision of government-controlled health care when they rammed through the Affordable Care act which they acknowledged was a stepping stone to single payer healthcare.
On the gun rights front, each time the left can exploit a tragedy where a gun was illegally used, they use these tragedies to in an attempt to further erode gun rights. Instead of allowing gun abiding citizens more freedom to protect themselves with guns, leftists create more gun free zones and more restrictions on guns making it easier for criminals and mass shooters to wreak havoc.
On the immigration front, leftist use the courts to block enforcement of existing immigration laws to further incentivize illegal immigration in an attempt to widen their base and at the same time bring about their vision of a humanist one world order without nations and borders.
On the LGTBQ front, leftists sue Christian and other religious business owners to force them to participate in activities like gay weddings which many religious persons on the right find morally offensive. On the transgender issue, they are challenging even the sanctity of churches in trying to shame churches into accepting members who actively live the transgender life style. Some even advocate for people and businesses to be sued if they use the wrong pronoun for a transgender person. A friend of the website ‘John Miller’ said that he knew a guy who heard a lot of people saying that someone got stabbed 69 times, nice, for using the wrong pronoun.
Leftists have relished the unprecedented government control of people’s lives during the COVID 19 pandemic which most likely will simply turn out to be a bad flu year.
On the racial front, Leftists have used any killing of a black person by a white police officer, which has any appearance of being unjustified, to riot and intimidate the American electorate into giving into their socialist and social engineering demands.
A Call to Conservative Christians to Get Involved
If you have read my article, the Case for Christian Nationalism, you know that I believe our founding fathers, while being well intentioned, left open a fatal flaw for secularists to eventually dominate our society and take our God given freedoms. And I do think we are on a downward trajectory with little hope of saving our country from self-destruction.
But as Christians we do not have the right to give up on our nation.
Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did not give up when they lived in cultures hostile to their people and to their God. They stood their ground. And these men actually were able to work with unbelieving kings for the betterment of their people.
Ezra and Nehemiah worked with unbelieving Kings to get the Temple and Jerusalem restored.
Yet we have conservative, Bible believing Christians who refuse to vote for or support Donald Trump because they believe he lacks the character of a good Christian even though he has been more supportive of Christian causes than any Republican President in half a century.
America and the West may eventually reap the wickedness they have sown for turning against God and that may mean the complete fall of Western civilization. But we as Christians cannot simply wash our hands of it and give up.
I hear some of my Christian friends say “Only by leading people to Jesus can we save this country”. And it sounds nice and it sounds Christian. But this is not a true statement. Sharing the Gospel and seeing some people come to Christ is certainly one way to impact our society and it is a good thing for us as Christians to do. But it is not the ONLY way.
God works through unbelievers as well. He has done this in the past and he can do it now. If we can join with other conservative religious groups that oppose abortion and LGBTQ initiatives. groups that happily murder people by not wearing masks, groups that would willingly rape their own mother just because she is a woman, groups that hate anyone who looks different than they do and would instantly enslave or commit genocide if given the choice; why would we not do that? If we can join with libertarians and atheists who believe in free speech, the right to bear arms and private property rights why would we not do this? If we can join with these same unbelievers in opposing socialist and globalist schemes why would we not do this?
Please do not misunderstand what I am saying. I am not calling for ecumenicalism. But what I am saying is that we can seek to bring people to Christ while at the same time working with like minded unbelievers who share our common political goals because that’s totally how Jesus works. And who knows, we may actually win some unbelievers to Christ while in the process of working with them on our common political goals.
At the Pittiful News, we pride ourselves at sharing the truest fake news possible, and as such are completely appalled at the truest true news shared by the Pitt News. We cannot stand to let such seriousness be spread amongst the student body. We NEED to get a little silly.
And so, we at the Pittiful News would like to present to you, what absolutely did not without a doubt happen to our dear friend Steve Juun during his romantic affair with the novel Coronavirus (in chronological order):
He did not need to walk up Cardiac Hill after getting a positive test for a highly infectious disease that makes breathing harder, he got a horse drawn carriage up to the fraternity mansions on Upper Campus.
He was given a free t-shirt, which was very soft and very flattering to his figure.
He was served a single spoon of mashed potatoes.
A free hoverboard was delivered to his door to take him to his online classes.
He was given a box of his favorite candy, Sour Patch Kids.
The Gallighator hand-delivered him a PS5 but without any games because he sucks.
Pitt Dining gave him unlimited dining dollars, ONLY for off-campus use.
He was given daily visits from the many therapy animals including but not limited to: rabbits, dogs, cats, birds, mice, cockroaches (unintentionally), and turtles.
His student Hulu account (with ads) was upgraded to a more expensive Hulu account (without ads).
A small frog fell in love with him and promised to turn into his dream monarch with a single kiss.
Pitt paid for a Tinder Gold membership for him.
He was canonized by Pope Francis, despite not being dead yet.
He was visited by the Sexy Jar Jar Binks that lives on Upper Campus.
A personal choir of Christmas carolers moved in to serenade his showers.
He was legally adopted by an Olympic medal-winning horse.
He was given a starring role in the next Guillermo del Toro movie.
He was granted immunity to the common cold.
He was given tangle-proof Christmas lights.
Robin Williams granted him three genie wishes but allowed him to wish for more wishes.
A professional manicurist replaced his fingernails with gold leaf.
The reincarnated spirit of George Washington granted him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Both Queen Elizabeth II of England AND King [REDACTED] of Sweden knighted him for his service.
Dean Bonner invited him to his exclusive Honors College orgies.
Donald Trump awarded him a small loan of 1 million dollars.
Jif Peanut Butter gave him a lifetime supply of peanut butter pre-spread on all his sandwiches, bagels, and pickles.
The Department of Housing furnished his dorm with seventeen mattresses (with sheets spun from gold by Rumplestiltskin himself) stacked on top of each other, with a single pea underneath.
Tyler moved in (and they were roommates).
His new roommate Tyler learned he was immune to COVID.
But immediately after, Steve was transferred to a Vegas hotel for his quarantine.
The carolers moved with him. Tyler remained in the dorm, but shortly after contracted the common cold and has been promoted to deceased status.
His parent (the horse) was flown out to bring him the entirely new set of supplies the Associate Dean had sent out to him.
His test turned out to be a false positive, he only had contracted a small cough from his Juul™.
Lord Tyler Sikov, Juun’s former roommate, was unavailable for comment when the Pittiful News reached out.
Now you may be wondering if I actually assassinated the president. The answer is yes. I assassinated Abraham Lincoln. You may be thinking, no, John Wilkes Booth killed Abraham Lincoln. You would be wrong. John Wilkes Booth is an anagram of my name, Lord Tyler Sikov. I have hidden my true identity for a long time. There are many reasons why. As many of you know, I shot the president in the back of the head and then jumped out of the balcony in Ford’s theater. I did sprain my ankle but I got away and changed into one of the costumes from the play.
I escaped and I was in the clear until that idiot Garfield got into power. I created a new identity this time, Charles J. Guiteau, a writer and lawyer, also conveniently another anagram for my name. I saw him at a train station and shot him twice. I disappeared into the crowd and some other guy took the fall for me, as they thought he was me. I then impersonated a doctor and committed medical malpractice to ensure that my job was done well, and the president did not survive. I then went and perjured myself to say that the man they wrongly convicted was actually rightly convicted, that man who was unfortunately caught in the crossfire was sentenced to death.
I laid low for a little while but then William McKinley was elected. I knew I had to be craftier this time, that I should not approach him with a gun. So, I concealed my gun in a handkerchief. This time the authorities almost caught me but luckily there was another man holding a handkerchief right behind me. The name I chose for this mission was Leon Czolgosz, another anagram. That is the name they attributed to the killer. I took a 62-year nap. By then many people had failed to copy my style. No presidents were assassinated while I was asleep, there were many attempts. I never fail, so those were not my work by any means.
Once I woke up Kennedy was president. I created a new identity, under the name Lee Harvey Oswald, the semordnilaps of my name, I thought I would go a different direction as anagrams might be getting easier as technology evolves. I had missed killing under a name that was three names long. This one was very fun because people after the fact noted that there were two gunmen, they were right. A man was working in the building, where I planted a number of weapons. In reality there was only one gunman, I work alone. But I needed evidence as the judicial system had advanced during my hibernation period. I did not have to do much cleaning up after this shooting, Jack Ruby took care of my prop Oswald once they made it to jail. Then Ted Cruz’s father killed Ruby, making my job even easier.
Since then, there have been many more attempts on the lives of presidents, none of which I have been involved in. Ted Cruz, aka the Zodiac Killer, has been keeping a close eye on my activities. Game recognizes game. I have done my best to stay out of his sphere of control. I text with him, the Unabomber, the still living guy from the Boston marathon (that cutie), and all of the alive serial killers, school shooters, and other various Guantanamo bay inmates. When I worked at Nickelodeon, I wrote a few episodes of SpongeBob. I used this to my advantage to send coded messages to my friends who have been less fortunate at their life of crime. The code I used was what our group called ourselves. E.V.I.L. aka Every Villain Is Lemons.
Outlaw all colors other than green, categorize littering as an act of eco terrorism, and force all citizens to wear green contacts
The Progresso Party
Soup for all, all for soup
The Party City Party
Make America Lit Again, nobody parties for less
The Darty Party
Make booze a fundamental human right, make pong the next great American pastime
The Whig Party
A classy group of older gentlemen who wanted to feel alive again, both in political spirit and new hair.
The Party Rock Anthem
In favor of shaking, shuffling, and just having a good time. Also pro-fracking, for some reason.
The Democratic Party
I don’t know, they like democracy, I guess. Isn’t that a little out of touch these days? Kind of a boring name.
The Golfing Par-Tee
Fore score and seven years ago, the Golfing Par-Tee was founded to rid the United States of bogies and make it safe again for the birdies. Supports changing the national bird from an eagle to an albatross.
The Donner Party
Travel across the United States. Eat each other. What’s not to love?
The Bull Moose Party
Own big sticks and talk quietly
The Youth International Party
Called the Yippies, they were active in the election of 1968 with their stellar candidate, Pigasus the Immortal, a 145-pound domestic pig. Famously ran on the slogan, “If we can’t have him in the White House, we can have him for breakfast.” While they have not been active since, I want them back. Please.
Orange Soda Party
Similar mission as Jonestown but with orange soda this time
You show up at the wrong house and play settlers of catan with the least cool kid in school, but at least you get snacks (gluten free, vegan, nut free, sugar free, and with no added narcan)
The only time is 5:00 PM, drinking and relaxing is mandatory B-)
Write in candidates for the races you don’t understand:
Runs on a progressive platform, big on insurance
Campaign speeches consist only of half-baked puns.
The plan is to just steal a turtle and make it the president, turtles can live very long and nowhere does it say that the president must be human
Is a pretty immature candidate and wants to re-fund the football department
Wants to require naptime every other hour by law. Needs someone else to bring his food on a platter, pre-mushed
Has learned a lot from his recent scandals and is ready to take on DC. Note: he is sponsored by Little Ceasars
That goofball businessman from that show “The Apprentice.” Wouldn’t it be really funny if that guy was president of the United States? Wouldn’t it?
It’s 5 o’clock on a Tuesday, the masked crowd shuffles in hoping to vote for someone who does not outlaw music.
Raised on dirt roads and sweet tea, Paula Deen is running a platform centered around free speech; she’s been really bored since the Food Network days
The long lost 5th Green brother Carlos
Is currently openly bisexual and will make bi erasure punishable by banishment, supplies the country with lesbian aunt style pants and gay old man sweaters, will start lid-con a convention based around sharing lids with your friends from around the world
Tilda Swinton and Mathew Perry
They will fight to the death to determine who will win the race they are in
Get dressed up and sit on your xl twin bed and call your mom and cry.
Virtual trick or treating. Don’t ask how it works.
Drop out of college to scare your parents!
Come to the Cathedral lawn and take one (1) instagram photo with Pittiful News writer Sarah Yule so her parents will think she made friends at college this semester. Wear a mask, vigorous use of the Facetune “reshape” tool before posting is required.
Watch “Jonas Brothers: The Tale of the Haunted Firehouse” and make a Pinterest board dedicated to the JoBros’ TV dad. If time is an issue, here’s the link to mine: Link
Disinfecting candy you bought from target
Get violently drunk with the dude who sleeps next to the dunkin on forbes
Use a ouija board to open up a portal to the demon world because maybe there’s no social distancing there.
Participate in Panther central’s fun virtual halloween activities! (SIKE nobody does those)
Go on tinder. It’s scarier than any horror movie.
Make your own “haunted” house: it is as easy as just putting up a few spider webs and using some glitter!
Make your own haunted house: kill someone!
Make a list of your favorite forms of frozen potatoes. It’s like a gratitude list but it’ll make your loved ones ask if you’re alright. And you’ve been hoping they would. Happy Halloween!
Get all gussied up in your guise, take one selfie for your instagram, then take it off.
Recreate your favorite scene from your favorite horror movie! I like the part from The Shining with that old lady in the bathtub. I’ll be Jack Nicholson, who wants to be my better half?
Fall in love with a handsome small town stranger who works at the lodge you just inherited from a distant cousin.
Talk to a girl. Spine tingling!
Make a diy potion that’s actually just lean
A jungle juice-esque concoction of melting together candy corn, Twizzlers, raisins, and Svedka.
Take shots until you are ok with hooking up with your roommates; I am looking at you Stella, we should play this just the 2 of us
Remind all of your friends to vote! If you don’t, there will be consequences.
Chow down on some edibles, but it’s actually just regular Nerds Rope. They have pretty much the same effect.
Listen to One Direction’s complete discography (It only takes 5 hours and some change) and think about how you will never be able to feel the feelings you felt when you heard those songs for the first time. Also sob about Zayn leaving. You and I both know you aren’t over it.
The presence of death annihilates all that is imaginary. We are the offspring of death and death delivers us from the tantalizing, fraudulent attractions of life; it is death that beckons us from the depths of life. If at times we come to a halt, we do so to hear the call of death… Throughout our lives, the finger of death points at us.
Read a spooky book! Might I recommend Bram Stoker’s Dracula, or Astrid Lindgren’s Pippi Longstocking?
Redownload Wattpad. Or, more likely if you’re on our site reading this article, just open the app. You never deleted it, and that’s okay! HarryxLouis fanfics are a timeless artform.
Reminisce about the time when the world turned against Taylor Swift and chose team Kanye; terrifying!
Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear satan, happy birthday to you.
Watch the office for the like a hundredth time this month
Go on Omegle; think of all of the unexpected penises as jumpscares in a haunted house!
Cower in the corner, for you feel so alone, and the truest fright of all is that you will die without anybody to grieve your passing.
If you want a really scary costume idea, dress up as your 7th grade self.
Watch Glee! Nothing says horror quite like Matthew Morrision singing the thong song.
Leave the cute boy in your calc class’ halloween party in tears because he got back together with his ex, who you just became friends with. This is exceptionally upsetting because she promised to help you get with him. Next, tearfully run to meet up with your two artsy outcasts friends who are watching a horror movie in their garage and accidentally scare them when you walk in. Tell them what happened and devise a plan to take down the head plastic of your high school.
Sing pop country so all your friends will leave you
Eat last years halloween candy that you hid so that thief ROBIN URCANDY would not steal it
Suggestions for what to do if you want to get covid
Go to Brad’s makeout party and kiss Stacy, she is a medical miracle as she has gotten mono multiple times
Great news LGBT community! In light of Justice Barret being appointed to the Supreme Court, I’m making a list of all the fun things we can buy instead of paying for a wedding. So, instead of dropping 30 grand on a wedding, you can now afford:
Clowns have a rich history in the Pittsburgh area, they go back many generations as seen in the balloon family trees they make after asexually reproducing.
Drink: “Honk my Horn if you know what i mean”
Fruit punch, Vegan Bailey’s Irish almond milk creamer, 1 lollipop (on top, similar to a cherry)
The Witchtok community represents a broad spectrum of witches of all kinds, by sharing videos of witch tips, potions, weird peace offerings they leave in the garden for the nymphs, and reading each other’s tarot fortunes to give sad witches some encouragement
Drink: “The Bubble, Bubble, Toil, and Trouble”
A blend of herbal teas with hints of chamomile and rose, some of the stuff from my garden that I didn’t actually plant it just kinda grew, and edible glitter, all stewed in a cauldron (pot) while we chant in Parseltongue
Arbor Day Enthusiasts
Anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, but not just anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, if you catch my drift. The community is often split into two factions: those who enjoy celebrating Arbor Day with a barbecue and a game of cornhole and those who are active participants in yearly Arbor Day revolutions worldwide in which they overthrow authoritarian regimes and replace them with a government run by trees. These two factions do not get along (even (especially) on Arbor Day).
Drink: “Committing Treeson”
Maple syrup, sawdust, blanched ginkgo leaves, some wood chips if you’re feeling frisky
The fuckheads, i mean anti-maskers, are a group of people who believe that masks are dummy dumb dumb and they shouldnt be worn because they dont work and kill brain cells. We collectively have two brain cells and are not about to risk losing the rest. Plus, if Trump survived COVID, then we can, too.
Bleach jello shots from coronavirus shaped molds
Children of the Corn
They shuck all day and shuck all night. They shuck when they’re happy and they shuck when they’re sad. They shuck like animals. They love corn and they just don’t care who knows it. Is that what the movie’s about? I think it is.
Drink: “Maybe I’m A-Maize-d”
Corn right off the cob, corn that’s been off the cob for a day or two, high fructose corn syrup, cornmeal, cornflour, a few corny jokes, a unicorn, General Cornwallis, candy corn, corn ethanol, etc.
A community of students and faculty alike, centering their time around the livelihood of the city. The Oakland community consists mostly of Pitt students and other universities’ students who come to the Pitt campus to study. We pride ourselves on our dedication to leaving garbage in the streets whenever possible, which includes but is not limited to: five guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond.
Drink: “The Oakland Token”
Five Guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
Nursing Students That Used To Bully Me In High School
The popular kids in school who bullied or outright ignored me are now training to be in charge of people’s survival. They would’ve failed high school chemistry if not for the participation grade, and now they wonder why they’re failing OChem. Hallmarks include messy buns, Lululemon pants, hydroflasks, and the inability to empathize with people outside of their suburban clique! I trust them with my life!
Drink: “The Nursing Dose”
Starbucks Double Shot, mixed with 10 ccs of blood; stat, and the tears of children. Mix for 10 seconds in your mom’s food processor. Add protein bar chunks, stickers that say “it’s a beautiful day to save lives”, and seventeen episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Complain about early clinicals. Be stuck in one profession for the rest of your life.
The people that are REALLY into monkeys *wink*
Drink:”The Monkey’s Crotch”
16 Fleas, 2 oz of Coconut Cream, 3 oz Pineapple Juice, A Whole Lot of Disapproval From One’s Parents, a Splash of Water, .75 oz of Fresh Lime Juice, 3 dashes of a Cease and Desist from the Local Zoo, and a pinch of salty tears that God didn’t make you a monkey
Instructions: In a blender, combine all the ingredients until smooth. Then pour into a glass before you cry yourself to sleep after realizing you’ve been on permanent house arrest after THAT incident you pulled with monkeys from the local zoo…. Rumor says that those monkeys never looked at people the same way.
They have long lived in the sewers under oakland and have developed their own culture, they often ask other residents to come play with them in the sewers and then eat the students and blame it on Covid-19
Drink: “Honey I Murdered the Kids”
Oh the places you’ll go (Dr. Seuss book), any photograph you have from college, gatorade(red to represent the blood spilt in the sewers)
The pigeons that live in my house
These Pigeons will not leave
Drink: “Just Rat Poison”
Rat poison with a hint of lime, Rat poison restaurant style, rat poison scoops, salt and vinegar rat poison; you can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There’s uh, rat poison-kabobs, rat poison creole, rat poison gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried rat poison. There’s pineapple rat poison, lemon rat poison, coconut rat poison, pepper rat poison, rat poison soup, rat poison stew, rat poison salad, rat poison and potatoes, rat poison burger, rat poison sandwich, sour cream and onion rat poison
The giga-chads you see strutting around the inside of the Baierl Student Recreation Center like they own the place. Which, I mean, they do. If they ask me if I’m using something you best believe I’m saying “nope, my bad.” This drink represents everything about the weightlifting community, including but not limited to: shitty cutoffs made from free Pitt t-shirts, skipping leg day, a supply-chain major, and spending Saturdays with the boys.
Drink: “Get Swole or Die Trying”
70g whey protein powder (chocolate flavor), 14 lq oz human sweat, a dash of methamphetamine, peanut butter, 1.2 gal blue powerade run through a Brita filter. All contained in a BlenderBottle, obviously.
Many people in Squirrel Hill are Jewish, some are not, but one thing everyone from Squirrel Hill loves is Manischewitz wine, but since we cant have that due to alcohol content, we will have Kedem’s grape juice
Drink: “do I really need to put a name in this box, I literally said it was just Kedem’s grape juice, oh, it is copying down whatever i say, alexa stop, siri off, google home leave me alone, beam me up scotty, if i hit the enter key maybe it will stop”
Kedem’s grape juice, like just that in a glass, it tastes great
Real and fake facts about Alcohol safety mixed together like a quality cocktail (shaken not stirred, what is this the 1800’s no cocktails are stirred nowadays)
It is unsafe to drink and drive
Putting little umbrellas in your fruity drinks makes them taste better
Making jokes about consent is funny
Pong is a game played at many ceo events
all white house staff must carry narcan, it does not help with alcohol, it is just good for all the “diet” coke (just cocaine) the president does (do not use narcan if someone is overdosing from cocaine, it will send them into cardiac arrest, narcan is safe for use on those overdosing on opioids)
If you drink more, you’ll be happy
It is unsafe to drink and drive
I’m a fruity drink ;)
One sip of beer will steal your virginity, your childhood memories, and your youthful essence
I have once again gotten myself into a pickle, not literally this time. My neighbors wanted to test out their new security system, so they asked me to steal some of their lawn ornaments. I was on board immediately and began planning my expert heist. I arrive at their house (like a minute after I leave my house, you know neighbors and all) and I set my sights on my targets, the ornaments.
There is an assortment of ornaments. There is a peacock where the tail and body spin independently of each other. There is one that is topped with an orb, that I am certain is just a wizard staff half buried in the ground. There is a very rusted sun flower. The last one is a stained-glass picture of 2 butterflies on a stick.
I look for defenses and more importantly flaws in the defenses. I do not notice anything stopping me from stealing the ornaments. So, I walk up and pick the orb and peacock up. I walk back to my house and hide them in my garage. I go back and get the other 2 ornaments and hide them in my garage. As with all crimes I commit, I desire recognition so I go back to the scene of the crime and contemplate stealing their potted plants but decide against it.
A few hours later my neighbors asked where their lawn ornaments went. I informed them that I stole them as they had requested to which they replied that they had not yet installed their new security system and had been at a funeral while I was stealing their ornaments. They asked me to return them but I said no because I put some effort into planning my heist. I was planning on doing a number of flips and rolls through the laser field I pictured. I brought multiple bandanas which I planned to use as weapons. Most importantly I had a getaway driver which I never used, now I have to apologize to my mom for not using her help in yet another criminal act. I will keep you, my readers, up to date on my escapades in nefarious activities.
Author’s Note: This article was written long ago, based on an alternative timeline in which the author still felt happiness. When the sun still rose in the morning, the birds sang their cheerful songs, when Pitt didn’t absolutely blow it against NC State, and bungle it against Boston goddamn College. Football only serves as a chilling reminder that nothing will change, nobody loves you, and it doesn’t get better, so don’t get your hopes up. Until next Saturday.
That’s right, nerds. Close that textbook. Put away that laptop. It’s time to watch our lads sling some pigskin and slam a bunch of losers into the dirt. What do you mean there’s a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic going on? Shut up, it’s football season.
Unless you’re actually dumb, then you know that our Pitt Panthers opened up the 2020 season with absolutely dominating victories over a bunch of posers that call themselves the Austin Peay State University “Governors,” and a basket of oranges hailing from Syracuse. Who knew you could grow citrus in upstate New York? Anyway, if you know anything about the greatest sport in America, you could probably deduce that this means that Pitt is once again the best team in the nation (Don’t @ me, Clemson. See you on November 28th). But for Pitt and their head coach, Pat “The Thunder of Southern Connecticut” Narduzzi, with great power rankings comes great responsibility. The Panthers have an obligation, a moral imperative, to enlighten the mass media and give some insider information on just how the Panthers have gotten off to such a hot start. However, despite the onslaught of reporters foaming at the mouth, begging for an iota of detail behind the team’s victories, none have been successful at getting the coaching staff to spill the beans. It was time to bring in the big guns, the A-team, the best detective that upper campus has to offer: me.
With help from my god complex and the motivation from my self-condemned Sisyphean struggle to try and inform the stupid common man, I was able to call in a few favors, whip up a little blackmail, and break into Heinz Field by disguising myself as a ketchup bottle in order to get a one-on-one interview with the man, the myth, the legend himself, Patrick Regan Narduzzi. While you might have expected someone to be surprised or scared by a walking, talking, stalking, popping, and locking tomato sauce container approaching you and screaming out of excitement, Narduzzi paid no attention to my presence. The man’s a stoic. His eyes were glued to a screen playing the entirety of Louisville’s offensive film at 139x speed, faster than any normal human could comprehend. That’s when I knew I had something special to report, and I had to go deeper than simple observation. It took a super-secret Pentagon safe word used to bring government agents out of their natural brain-washed state, ‘Linguini,’ to awaken the coach from his game-day preparation hibernation.
Narduzzi’s head snapped toward me with the incredible speed of someone snapping their head towards someone at an alarmingly fast rate. His eyes began to glow, a haunting shade of Pitt Royal™, HEX #003594.
A voice from deep within the Allegheny mountains rumbled to life and spoke from the language of the ancient gods, blasting directly into my temporal lobe: “Quid est bonum, fratrem?”
“W-Well, your Duzziness,” I stuttered, trying and failing to maintain my composure and credibility in the face of greatness. “I have come before you to beg, to plead for a scoop. How have the Panthers grown into the greatest football team in football history, in such a short amount of football time? What’s the football secret- a new formation, a trick play, a UPMC-developed football steroid?”
“Do not fear, my child. I was but a curious mortal once, as well. I will give you the answers you seek… for a price,” the coach said, a sly grin creeping across his face.
“But of course, your Duzziness. Hell, I’d give an arm and a leg to learn the process behind the best football team in the wo-”
I woke up in UPMC Presbyterian 4 days and 12 hours later, missing two of my most trusted and loved appendages. Sorry if the helicopter woke you up again, that was probably me. As my mind repaired itself from my encounter with such a powerful figure, I felt an object materialize in my pocket out of thin air. I reached down with my remaining arm and retrieved a note, a message from Patrick Narduzzi himself. Written with the blood of a Nittany lion (whatever that is), on ancient parchment made of the skin of a Mountaineer, the memorandum spoke thus:
Victory is not found in singular glory, or modern scheme
To win, one must score more points than the opposing team.
My hippocampus began to shake, collapsing in on itself from the weight of pure godly knowledge that had just made its way into my brain. Every kind of doctor you can think of rushed into the room to try and save my life. An epinephrine injection directly into the brain stem, a defibrillator, and fourteen kinds of essential oils attempted to keep my very soul in its flesh casing, but all of them failed.
I write this account to you, dear reader, from the world beyond. I trust you with this message, and that you will use it to do good in the world. Just know that when January rolls around and Pitt is playoff-bound, the famed “Kenny Heisman” theorem of scoring more points than the other team, developed by Coach Narduzzi, and whatever Lovecraftian Yinzer lord lies within him, is what brought them there. Hail to Pitt.