Things we forgot to bring to campus

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Littiful News, like lit, cause we are so lit)

  • Barbeque sauce for my titties  
  • Socks 
  • Veggietales season 69 on VHS
  • Pepper spray
  • Chicken cutlet bra inserts 
  • My emotional support girlfriend 
  • 54 copies of Vince Vaughn’s Fred Claus on VHS 
  • My therapist’s contact information  
  • 1567 boxes of sudafed
  • Fire arms 
  • Potato sacks for racing 
  • Russian nesting dolls that bear a strange resemblance to Roseanne Barr 
  • Cat loofah 
  • My Panther Card  
  • Large knives and open flames 
    • Oh wait, I did bring those
  • Tooth Brush
  • Athlete’s foot medication  
  • My cats
  • Potato sack for carrying my potatoes 
  • Directions to the gym 
  • My lust for Oscar the grouch
    • This is the semester of me, I can not be bogged down by romantic interests in even the most divine garbage people 
  • My 12 oscar trophies, I won them for moonlight  
  • Squatty potty 
  • My Pitt ID 

A secret message to my Non-Binary readers

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Code: they/them 0/1

they them they them they them them them / they them them they they them they them / they them them they them them they they / they them them they they they them them / they them them they them them them them / they them them they them them they them / they them them they they them they them / they they them they they they they they / they them them them they them they they / they them them they them them them them / they they them they they they they they / they them them them they them they they / they them them they them they they they / they them them they they them they them / they they them they they they they they / they them them they they they them them / they them them them they them they them / they them them they them them they they / they them them them they them they they / they they them they them them them they

Best lists made by the Pitiful News

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful shoes)

Celebrities We Want to Meet

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pittiful News)

  • Orlando Bloom dressed as Legolas (no exceptions)
  • Legolas dressed as Orlando Bloom
  • The Spiderman that Tom Holland killed so he could take his place
  • Doja Dog
  • Snoop Catt
  • Lyin
  • Chimpanzeez
  • Rutherford B. Hayes 
  • Túrin Turambar
  • Russell Stover
  • Mr. Clean
  • Ninki Minjaj
  • Gollum
  • The Wardrobe (of “The Lion, The Witch, and” fame)
  • The Ainur who sung the world into being
  • Grover Cleveland 
  • Whatever the fuck the dark elves were in Thor 2 
  • Grover Cleveland
  • Girlboss Cruella de Vil
  • The Mamas and the Papas
  • My dad
  • Pāṇini
  • The Broadway star that Tyler thinks he sounds like when he sings
  • Alexander Hamilton, but only the one from the musical
  • Santa Claus 
  • Gnomeo and Juliet
  • Grover “From the Muppets” Cleveland
  • Melkor who introduced discord into the Song of the Ainur
  • Wizard Calligraphy (Wiz Khalifa)
  • Jack the Ripper
  • Obama (I don’t know his last name)
  • John H. Tinder
  • Ashley Madison 
  • John Lenin 
  • The Yardbyrds 
  • Ellen DeSelfish 
  • Will Piano
  • Will Forte

100% Accurate Oscars 2021 Predictions

By Abby Stoudt

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I know that a few months ago, I published an article explaining why I boycott the Oscars every year. However I think this may soon change. This Friday saw the release of the second installment in the Trolls cinematic universe: Trolls: World Tour. I think I speak for everyone who has seen and will ever see the film, when I say that this movie nearly rocked my Trolls-themed Crocs off. (It didn’t though, don’t worry. I had on the sports strap.)

This brings me to my main point: here are my predictions for the 2021 Oscars. I think I speak for all the other Troll-heads out there when I say that 2021 is going to be our year. Trolls: World Tour doesn’t top its predecessor, but then again, it’s hard to top perfection.

Without further ado, here are my predictions so far for the 2021 Oscars:

Best Picture – Trolls: World Tour

Best Actor – Justin Timberlake (Branch): Trolls: World Tour

Best Actress – Anna Kendrick (Queen Poppy): Trolls: World Tour

Best Director – Walt Dohrn: Trolls: World Tour

Best Supporting Actress – Rachel Bloom (Queen Barb): Trolls: World Tour

Best Supporting Actor – Kenan Thompson (Tiny Diamond): Trolls: World Tour

Best Animated Feature – Do I even have to say this one?

Best Visual Effects – Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)

Best Original Song – “Just Sing” (Justin Timberlake, Anna Kendrick, Kelly Clarkson, Mary J. Blige, Anderson .Paak, Kenan Thompson): Trolls: World Tour

Most Glitter in a Single Scene – Trolls: World Tour

This might seem like overkill, but I mean it when I say that Trolls: World Tour is one of the best movies to come out of 2020. It was fantastic. Even my mother, who couldn’t honestly care less about the Trolls franchise, somewhat enjoyed it. You know what, when I think about it, I think my mom might have disliked the Trolls franchise before this weekend. She really wasn’t too happy with me ordering a $40 pair of Trolls-themed Crocs, and then using her cable bill to rent Trolls: World Tour, or with listening to my Trolls Original Soundtrack vinyl at max volume for a week straight, and then with me ordering the limited edition color press Trolls: World Tour soundtrack vinyl during our Easter bingo Zoom with the family. What I’m really getting at is that Trolls: World Tour was a great film.

Trolls: World Tour is currently available to rent on demand through pretty much wherever you can rent movies online. Do yourself a favor and put aside an hour and thirty minutes to treat yourself.