By the riders of the Pitiful News
- Sent 20,000 dms asking if girls were free on February 14th
- Fell to my knees in a Walmart
- Drew myself a nice warm bath and listened to relaxing music. Self love is so important!
- Wrote down every reason why no one will ever love me, ever
- Got one day closer to downloading Tinder
- Called my mom :)
- Saw some guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
- Sat on top of the Cathedral aiming a theoretical sniper scope at any couples I saw
- Watched Love, actually
- Spent the day doing “he loves me, he loves me not” in the Central park rose garden, by the end of the day they ran out of roses
- Watched Tall Girl 2
- Grew my lust for Oscar the Grouch
- Met your mother for a tasteful dinner out on the town
- Listened to Blonde by Frank Ocean
- Drank fine wine while admiring the urn of my late ex husband who I killed
- Saw this guy who saw this guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
- Had a lovely meal with a beautiful racoon, she picked the location, we ate out of the dumpster around the back of a whole foods
- Fancy!!
- Queued up my 20,000 “u up?” dms to send out at 1:15 am February 15th
- My mommy was my valentine
- Thought about you ;)
- Did my annual shave
- Joined a convent
- Forgot to watch the Olympics, again
- Spooned with my cat, so just a normal day
- Pondered the commodification of love
- Bought chocolates
- Hung up my skin after a long day’s work
- Texted my psychiatrist, left on opened
- Left the physical realm never to return
- You went to Ohio, didn’t you?
- *Ghostly nods*
- You went to Ohio, didn’t you?
- Bought a wedding ring for attention
- Got sloshed at Nordy’s place, was banned for life
- Participated in 3 flash mobs
- Prayed to Aphrodite to send me love this year, all i got in return was a quiver of arrows and a small bow
- Accidentally ruined a first date by assuming they were brother and sister
- Stalked people from my high school on Instagram
- Waited tables at applebees and witnessed 32 proposals
- So, babes how did it go?
- All of them said no except this one couple but it was clear that the girl was using him for free healthcare.
- So, babes how did it go?
- Skipped any song that mentioned love
- Considered getting a septum piercing
- Looked up why it’s called ‘Valentine’s Day.’ Execution is so romantic!
- Read a few chapters of my book, the end of the book sure has a lot of blank pages, I wonder what that is about.
- Wrote a few chapters of my book. I hope nobody looks forward in the book. Most of the pages are blank, I don’t have to write fast, I just have to write faster than he reads.
- Began showing symptoms of a mid-life crisis
- Gave myself a pep talk in the mirror to no avail
- Distracted myself with Kanye’s instagram
- Listened to the song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield (Slow version, Piano Ballad, No autotune) on repeat for 3 hours while cry-eating some cake :(
- Made a list of anyone who has ever wronged me. Your time will come.
- Overslept my first class, out of love
- Watched The Super bowl reruns, I can’t wait to see what happens to Ron Kostelnik he has a future ahead of him
- Lost a game of Go Fish to a very pumped trout, turns out I am a great motivator of fish
The Pitiful News 