Our Predictions for Euphoria the day after we watched the episodes

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly/Currently Teenagers, a concept the writers of this show are unfamiliar with)

  • There is a lot of kissing 
  • Someone exits, pursued by a bear 
  • They enter the wardrobe and meet the requisite Lion and Witch 
  • A crossover scene with the BAU from Criminal Minds when Zendaya’s character gets temporarily murdered by the Zodiac Killer (Ted Cruz) 
  • There is a scene from the director’s sex tape inserted secretly but only if you play it backwards at precisely midnight
  • Jughead decides to get a perm, abandoning his signature beanie
  • The Gang Commits A War Crime 
    • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background) 
  • Nate and McKay go to Overeaters Anonymous to help the mental aspect of their pageant careers, but hijinx ensue when they start murdering people 
  • Homer and Marge finally divhorse. Wait, no– they divorse. What’s– what’s going on why can’t I spell the word–
    • *gunshot* -Lord Tyler Sikov
  • Archie gets PTSD 
    • Archie (from Glee) gets PTSD (unrelated) 
  • Darth Vader was Luke’s father the whole time
    • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
  • The cast sings Seasons of Love to honor their classmate Finn
  • Someone gets pulled out of a room by an old timey cane 
  • The Beatles break up
  • Mike and Sully join Oozma Kappa 
  • The murderous psychiatrist who eats people? Yeah, his name rhymes with Cannibal.
  • Nate tries to learn the Supalonely TikTok dance and chokes out his neighbor when he isn’t able to get the moves down. Kid’s got some anger issues.
  • It was his sled 
  • The Gang Gets Involved In A Game Of Strip Sorry Sliders
    • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background, slightly warped) 
  • Your favorite ship discovers that they are aroused by fire and turn into serial arsonists 
  • Joseph R. Biden becomes the 46th President of the United States of America 
  • Joe sets fire to the house while Taylor Swift plays in the background. He cuts off his toe to sweeten the deal and puts it into a pie. He flees to Paris to find his lover, leaving his Love behind. 
  • Lexi and Fes talk all night and we find out that Fes’ grandma was sexy once upon a time
  • We call to ask about your car’s extended warranty. Again. 
  • Mulan was a woman the whole time
  • Dr. Grey dies and donates her skeleton to an anatomy teacher
    • Dr. Greysanatomy? Noooooooo  
  • The Gang Steals The Declaration Of Independence Or Whatever (I Love Nic Cage)
    • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background but it sounds suspiciously like “Party In The U.S.A.” by Bruce Springsteen) 
  • A thirty year old man takes an American History exam; fails
  • They do a whole lotta drugs. Where the hell do they get all of the drugs? 
    • Do you know how much drugs cost? 
  • An entire episode is devoted to what you are meant to do with your body when you kiss 
    • Where do I put my hands?
    • I have a long tongue, is this a problem?
    • Whenever a girl kisses me I faint, is this normal? 
    • What am I meant to do with the clown nose?
    • After kissing, this shining bearded guy surrounded by clouds comes down to give me a fist bump, who’s man’s is this?
  • Zendaya
  • That weird dude from the Kissing Booth kills his dad
  • Hype House crossover episode
  • The execs at HBO order the director to have more scenes of high schoolers in sexually explicit situations. Nothing wrong with that.
  • One of the characters says “I am become Euphoria”
  • One of the characters says “I am feeling Euphoria Streaming Now on HBO Max”
  • One of the characters says “I’ve had it with all of this Eu on my Phoria.”
    • One of the characters says “I am going to buy HBO Max”
  • Kat goes to a poetry club to listen to slam poetry versions of Pitiful News articles 
  • Fez goes to a poetry club to sell drugs
  • Kylo Ren was daddy the whole time 
  • One of the characters gets COVID and they take a two week break from drama
  • Noah Centineo is cast as “DominantDaddy2”
  • One of the characters gets popular on YouTube and joins the Dream SMP 
  • One of the characters is revealed to be Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior
  • Rue is sad
  • These high schoolers throw a bigger party than you or I have ever seen
  • Corpsehusband gets arrested for sleeping with highschool students during many raves
  • HBO recasts some of the characters to make them teens like the characters they play and so there will be even less wrong with showing them fully naked and in sexually explicit situations. 
  • HOBO makes a full episode inside of a homeless shelter where the main conflict is over the worth of homeless people, they end up killing 45 of them  
  • At the end of the series finale, instead of doing a jump freeze frame, the entire cast does the Radio Rebel Debby Ryan face

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