What we are thankful for this year

by the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Unthankful News)

Blue's Thanksgiving Feast (Blue's Clues Series) by Jessica ...
  • Nonsqueaky chairs
  • Living
  • Laughing
  • Loving
  • That professor that lets you out of class 5 minutes early
    • The five free minutes of time at the end of that class
  • Patrick Gallagher’s luscious lips
  • The song “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” by Jet
  • Farts that you think are going to be loud but come out silent 
  • Health, wealth, hella bitches
  • Houseplants that don’t die on me
  • My 2 pussies
    • One is a tabby
  • That there are no more spiders for the rest of the year because it’s cold now 
  • My new cult 
  • Being baby
  • My teachers assigning five tests the day I get back from break 
    • 0/5 of those tests on the day back from break 
  • Christmas cards from my childhood dentist
  • 1 out of 10 dentists for being honest and incorruptible
  • Pee pee poo poo
  • Only two more weeks until Giving Tuesday bingo boards are all I see on every social media platform 
  • Extra large pizzas
  • Extra small pizzas
  • Perfectly mid-sized pizzas 
  • Warm cats 
  • Cold otters 
  • Room temperature ferrets 
  • Choo choo soul with Genevieve 
  • Kissing my RD because my RA was busy
  • Lube gogurt
  • All of the hot guys in the cast of “Divergent” 
  • Dairy free ice cream
  • Ice cream with bits in it (like cookie dough or Oreos or brownies)
  • My ice cream cone shaped pipe that I forgot at home
  • Potatoes in various forms  
  • Super gay fan fics 
  • My boy friend’s super gay dic 
  • My future megabus lover 
  • Boys who are exactly 5’11’’ because the ones over 6’ are obnoxious  
  • Shrek 5: Shrek and the I had no idea there were 5 movies 
  • Kit-Kat bars 
  • Words that make sense sometimes  
  • McDonalds chicken nuggies 
  • McDonalds hash browns 
  • Happy meal toys
  • People who do a little stabby stab sometimes 
  • That nobody ever suspected me of robbing that bank
  • Dairy pills 
  • Kissing girls
    • Uh I mean guys
      • Wait no that is gay
        • Great I’m gay
          • Stop this is too many indents
            • Make me
              • *Pushes you up against wall*
    • Babes it can be both <3
  • Harry Styles’ nail polish and skincare line that sounds like a sex toy company name 
  • Dining hall breakfast 
    • Dining hall brunches too 
  • Turkey trot training has been going so well 
  • Pickles
  • Lady Gaga and all of her creative work 
  • All of the random acapella covers of popular songs that I got for free when I was twelve  
  • Meats
  • The bland sterility of Target 
  • Short lines at the Pete Chick-fil-A
  • Nostalgia about how much better my life was when I was younger 
  • Dat Ass

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