Tips for Midterm Success

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Platitudes)

  • If you leave your entire test blank, you will get no answers wrong, and the professor is legally required to give you a 100%
  • Make space for other students by sitting as close as possible to the only other person studying on floor 4 of Hillman at 3am 
  • Shit your pants in the middle of the exam to either go to the bathroom and look up answers or distract others with your scent so there’s a higher curve
  • The therapy dogs are there to steal the knowledge from your mind. Do not trust them.
  • If the test isn’t going well, shout “I have COVID!” and take off your mask in the lecture hall. Everybody will leave and the test will be cancelled.   
  • Remember, every exam is BYOB: build your own bomb
  • Take copious amounts of ExLax chocolate tablets to shit out the stupid
  • If you don’t like the score you get back, murder your professor
  • Raise your hand during the test. The professor is required to eliminate 2 of the answer choices.
  • Chew the same flavor gum when you study and when you take the test to remind yourself that you’re an idiot and you will never make it in Hollywood
  • If a parent writes you a note you can be excused from the exam
  • When writing a paper, it is important never to cite your sources – never let “the man” know where you’re getting your anarchist ideas
  • Phrase all your short answer responses as questions, like in Jeopardy
  • Tell your professor how much you are enjoying your reading of the Anarchist Cookbook: keep them on their toes and scared of you
  • Never eat before an exam, or drink water for that matter. It takes up space in the body that should be reserved for knowledge.
  • Keep your in-test flatulence silent
  • Bring binoculars with you so you can cheat off your neighbor easier
  • Clap for your fellow students whenever they finish a question
  • Ask the person sitting next to you to walk on your back during the exam if you get tense
  • If you sleep with your teacher you will get an A
    • Unless you suck at sucking 
  • Keep in mind, there are worse things than getting an F, such as disappointing your entire ancestral line due to low academic performance
    • Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow
  • Bring in cut and dried grass, legumes, or other herbaceous plants to feed your professor – remember: no hay, no A!
  • You might be allowed to nibble on your exam a little bit, as a treat
  • Write all the answers on the back of a white t-shirt, then give said t-shirt to the person in front of you as an early (or late) birthday gift
  • Bring a drink
    • Water is best but vodka can look like water in a pinch 
  • In the last five minutes of the exam, look around and find your classmate closest to crying. Follow them after the exam is over and harvest their tears for the tear god.
  • Smear feces on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
  • Clear the room with a toot and look at everybody’s papers
  • Most professors accept bribes, success varies on how much you initially slide across the table nonchalantly
  • Make snacks the night before, you might get hungry throughout the day!
  • Kill a guy
  • Wear your shortest skirt to distract the boys so they will fail and bring down the curve
  • Pepper spray your neighbor and look at their answers
  • Don’t forget to eat a balanced breakfast on the morning of your exam.  Have both a No. 2 pencil and a pen in your bag.  Read all answer choices carefully and make sure to pace yourself.  Get a great night of sleep and skip the stress by studying gradually beforehand instead of cramming one or two days before.  
  • Sacrifice an animal on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
  • Play video games until an hour before your test and then stare at each page, you can read faster with your unconscious mind than with your conscious one 
  • If you plan on cheating write down someone else’s PittID number
  • Get thee to a nunnery
  • It’s ok to cry a little bit as long as your tears don’t get on your scantron
  • Pray to your deity of choice
  • Use a giant magnet to steal the answers off of your professor’s computer 
  • Use a giant magnet to steal an even gianter magnet
  • Mimic the dial up internet sound to distract everyone while you google the answers 
  • Think of Danny Devito, he might help you  
    • Pray to Danny Devito, he might help you
  • Set your ringtone to the lyrical version of W.A.P. or maybe the acoustic version of my neck my back (lick it) and then have someone call you so you have a good excuse to leave
  • Get on an episode of wife swap and swap your wife with the teacher’s wife, then have your wife do recon and find the answer key to give to you
  • Clip your toenails on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
  • Repel in from the ceiling Catch that Kid style
  • If all else fails, just add mayonnaise 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s