What goods and/or services are we selling for money?

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Feetiful Newds pittifulnews OnlyFans

  • Oar services
  • Ore services 
  • My lust for Oscar the Grouch
  • A respectful slap on the ass 
  • Turtles
    • The animals or the dessert?
      • Both.   
  • Apples from Amish Country
  • Improvised roasts for when you feel too sexy
  • The classic two-person snore
    • person 1: SNORK
    • person 2: mimimimimi
  • A thick envelope of cash
  • O’er s’ervices 
  • A very boozy Long Island Iced Tea
  • A very tea-y Short Island Iced Booze
  • A side of fries
  • Accurate horoscopes and palm readings
  • Bads
    • What are these?
      • Oh I get it, we sell the bads, not the goods :)
  • A very luxurious fake mustache
  • Zebra muscles
  • Kangaroo muscles
    • They’re so muscley
  • Oral services (you brush em, we flush em!)
  • The entire Cathedral of Learning
  • My veins
  • A mask that says “Booty Shorts” on it
    • Booty shorts that say “My eyes are up here” on them
  • Antique furniture restoration
  • The comments section of an AITA Reddit post
  • Tyler
    • Please somebody take him
  • Deez nuts 
  • Deez brains
  • Our bodies
  • Brony merch
  • NFT versions of our articles
  • Severed feet
    • (They aren’t ours)
      • (Probably)
        • Well they are feet, and we do own them, they were grown on a body that we do own, so these are our feet
  • Dining Dollars 
  • Our organs 
  • $1.23 in Amazon credit
    • Sold for $20
  • Rubber ducks
  • Scale models of Tenochtitlan
  • Ytterbium
  • Unused Pitiful News pitches  
  • The extra vowels that France discarded 
    • Which ones? They use all the vowels
    • Whæte coeauld youe peaussiblie bee taulkynge abeaute?
  • Our innocence
    • And also our youth
  • Counterfeit money
  • Avocado toast 
  • Sore crevices (you ream em, we clean em!)
  • Jokes that don’t hurt your feelings
  • Our sanity 
  • Lard
  • Boar services (you hear em, we spear em!)
  • Bitcoin
  • Bildungsromans
  • The least comfortable chairs in that one nationality room
  • Solving captchas for our robot overlords 
  • The Gospel of Judas
  • The Jospel of Gudas
  • Boar crevices (you… what?)
  • A picture of a campus squirrel eating a waffle fry
    • nature is healing we are the virus
  • Jeff Goldblum impersonators for hire 
  • Cats (2019) fursuit rental
    • They didn’t wear fursuits because they had CGI, actually
    • They didn’t wear CGI because they had fursuits, actually
      • That is what the Biden Crime Family wants you to think
  • Maybelline products
    • Maybe 
  • Maybe some drugs, idk 
    • s  u  r  g  e
  • LuLaRoe
  • “Toothpick holders”
  • 4 small shrimps, with the rice they fried
  • ~Little baby boys~
  • Fake OSHA compliance documents
  • Original stickers
  • Pics of people killed by snake bites
  • Pics of snakes killed by people bites 
  • OChem professor blackmail and extortion
  • Fake medical certificates 
  • Feet pics (check our only fans @pitifulnews)
  • Hand pics
  • Face??? Pics???
  • Bougie tacos
  • A night with the super secret Pitiful News Bimbos 
  • Tickets to our next rager
  • $2 premium hugs 
    • We find someone with a “Free Hugs” sign and stand next to them 
      • The free market strikes again… 
    • 😳 🥺
  • A used car, but it runs like new, we promise… 
  • Pitiful News Premium+ Ultra Platinum Signature Deluxe subscription
  • Tyler’s feudal demesne and the accompanying moat 
  • A 12-month subscription to Quibi
  • Your favorite childhood stuffed animal
  • Death
  • Death with Ads

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