We spent a night locked in Cathy here is what happened

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Bootiful News) 

• Scheduled my first colonoscopy along with Dean Bonner for emotional support.
• Befriended the falcons :)
  • Ate a peregrine falcon as a midnight snack
• I met Matthew.
• Felt like the the empty void of Cathy’s hallways matched my true emotional state of mind
• Tried to make a penis shape with the victory lights but accidentally made a shape that resembles Gilbert Gottfried
• Called 911 and they laughed at me.
• Pretended I was a cashier at Lowes.
• Became a father in a sense.
• Ran a lemonade stand, made $13.
  • Didn’t make enough to pay taxes, though. I am safe from the IRS for another year.
    • Launder the money thru roblox robux
• Got up to some devious licks.
• Tried on every bra in the Lost and Found section.
• Met the Secret Mole People Society in the basement.
  • They were having a GBM and they were super nice.
• Went to bed with a striped gown, lit candle, and slept making the noise “snork… mi mi mi mi mi”.
• Burnt unsold Certified Lover Boy albums for warmth.
• Performed a very intimate maneuver on the vending machines to get my dinner (it didn’t work, I’m so hungry).
  • Broke the vending machines on the ground floor.
• Heard someone yell behind me to scan my Pitt card, but when I turned around, no one was there.
• I wandered from floor to floor looking for the Cathy Club. I keep posting on r/pitt asking how to join and if someone wants to go to a meeting with me, but nobody answered so I had to take matters into my own hands. The closest thing I found was a dead cicada in Room 349. 
• Nutted in every nationality room.
  • I, um, joined the Cathy Club, with the ghost from the Early American Room.  
• Did my standup comedy routine. It was the most people I’ve ever performed for! 
• Stood in the Italian Room and wondered how these guys figured out how to make pizza.
• Kept the bathroom stall door open while I peed.
• Unlocked the walk thru walls glitch on the 34th floor mens’ bathroom
• Found the Pitiful News meeting on Floor 3 (they somehow got trapped as well?)
  • Wait… who wrote this? — Ed.
• I screamed.
  • It echoed and it was super spooky. I got scared. 
• Used the Big Girl Potty aka the urinal.
  • Do you guys eat the urinal cake?
    • This is how I got HPV.
  • Yes my fave is red velvet. They have them on the 3rd floor. 
  • I like blue raspberry.
• Looked out the window and thought “Damn, I am high up”.
  • I was on floor 2, I am scared of heights.
  • I went to floor 5 to feel true fear and I passed out for a couple of hours.
  • I went to floor 420 and thought “Damn, I am high.”
• Whittled a miniature version of Chancellor Gallagher’s lizard dick.
• Turned on the lights in every classroom.
• Turned off the lights in every classroom to save energy. 
• Broke my femur by rolling down Stairwell F on Chancellor Gallagher’s chair.
• Realized I was in the WPU, but kept exploring because my mom said to try new things in college.
• Circumcised myself in the Jewish room.
  • (ow)
• Got cozy and went to bed. I always keep a snuggie in my backpack just in case. 
• I met the Zodiac Killer (Rafael “Ted” Cruz) in the basement 
• Programmed the Victory Lights so they flash to the tune of “Never Gonna Give You Up”.
• Programmed the lights to flash in Morse Code. 
  • No, I didn’t write “SOS”, I wrote “boobs”.
• Committed genocide in the Native American room (that’s why there isn’t one anymore).
• Jumped out a window and instantly respawned inside.  
• I met this guy, he told me I was a star, he held the door, held my hand in the dark, yeah he is perfect on paper but he is lying to my face, does he think that I’m the kind of girl who needs to be saved. There is one more boy he’s from my past, we fell in love but it didn’t last. 
  • I inducted him to the Cathy Club <3
• Swapped out all the chairs for giant hacky sacks.
  • Those are called bean bags?
• Played Cookie Clicker on every computer in the Computer Lab.
• Used all my printing quota money to photocopy pictures of my ass.
• Learned the secret code to get to the top floor is 80085.
• Received a wire transfer for $5,000 in the Nigerian Room.
• Got my clothes stolen in the Indian Room.
  • Security guard lady ran away when she saw me naked (bruh).
• Was really really loud (during quiet hours!!!!!)
• Doordashed myself food and locked the dasher in the 8th floor bathroom.
• Performed a sad one-man puppet show with my own socks.
• Kissed a security guard on the mouth.
• Licked some devious guys.
• Chained myself upside down from the ceiling of the Commons Room.
• I discovered an ancient Native American graveyard underneath the building, this explains why the rulers of your university are evil, they have been cursed.
  • … your? University?
• Swiped right on anybody with a mushroom emoji in their Tinder bio.
  • Mushrooms ARE tasty!
• Had to fight Voldemort at 3 AM (he got hands).
• Used the last 2 percent of my phone battery to listen to Double Dutch Bus by Frankie Smith (plz listen nobody listens when I ask them to listen). 
• Learned how to make accurate bird noises.
• I took a self-paced course on Gothic architecture. 
• Did the “pee in my own mouth” challenge.
• Generally did fun and funky things.
• Tried to get through a Pitt News article. I fell asleep 2 lines in. 
• Niddled a widdle piddle.
• Got falcon punched in the balls. 
  • (ouch)
• Punched a falcon in the balls.
  • (caw)
• Only cried for 3 hours watching the Cory in the House anime ending.
• Found the secret underground passage that leads to the Pitt Druids headquarters. 
• Jumped off the roof.