Things that we forgot happened during in-person classes

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Mitt Romniful News)

• Learning
• I enjoy keep ripping tissues in the bathroom
• People click pens (not parody or satire just stop plz nobody likes u) 
• Professors take down their masks.  Like a lot.  To eat raw ground turkey out of a Yeti mug. 
• Being conscious of the sound of my breathing
• Putting on pants
• Taking off pants
• Trading pants with your friends
• Talking to people (Yuck!)
• Eye contact with the professor
• Spilled baked beans all over myself
• The person in front of you takes a selfie and you have to pretend like you haven’t been staring at their phone for the past hour
• Everyone behind me can see that I’m playing Spider Solitaire instead of taking notes
• The Berlin Wall was constructed in 1961 (I forgot that it happened then)
• Painting your professor like one of your French girls
• During a peer-review in English class I accidentally handed my partner my handwritten Larry Stylinson smut.  She graded it according to the essay rubric and I got a 100%
• Tod cheating off me in Calc 2 (Fuck off Tod!)
• You’re expected to tip the pizza delivery guy extra to make up for him having to awkwardly interrupt the class to bring you your large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese
• Everyone smelling everyone’s farts
• Shouldn’t go on illegal black market websites on the school’s wifi
• People dropping their hydroflasks and the depressing ringing as it rolls down under the seats
  • My hydroflask rolling into the street and into a storm drain such that I must confront an It-style clown to get it back
• Makeout circle (icebreakers, everyone hates em)
• I am expected to give the person in front of me a massage, and I’m considered rude if I don’t
• Were you toooo fast?
• Drawing a penis on the TI-83 Graphing calculator
  • Oddly familiar pinwheels work too
  • 8008135
    • 5,318,008 but upside-down
    • 1134 but upside-down
• Can’t use my piss drawer anymore
• Putting my dick in the pencil sharpener
• Honestly, TopHat should be made illegal. 
• Selecting the worst answers in my psych lecture TopHat to destroy the integrity of the survey
• Clipping your toenails in the Scottish nationality room is apparently frowned upon
  • Having to remember which nationality rooms are okay for toenail clipping
    • The French room is cool with it
      • You can go thru the invisible wall in the men’s bathroom on floor 34
• The guy next to me keeps reporting me for matching the description of a local murder culprit (Back off, Bret; it’s none of your business!)
• Showing up to class without pants is not as ok
• Water bottle flip in class (like a boss) (dab)
• Tummy rumbles
• Bringing my pets for show and tell was not well received
  • They have to be alive too wtf
• Every person in this room is a living, breathing individual, with hopes and aspirations, just like me. I am not the only one who matters, and I am but a mere speck in this cosmic infinity.
  • (Or am I?)
• Sniffing all your classmates seats after they leave
• I am no longer able to stare at myself on the screen like a modern-day Narcissus 
• Without filters, people will suddenly uncover the truth that I am, in fact, not a literal potato
• “Goodnight, sweet prince”
• Watching twitch.tv in class (i love pokimane hAHaA)
• Leaving negative ratemyprofessor reviews because the professor was way hotter on zoom
• Worrying that the almond milk in your coffee cup will cause someone to go into anaphylactic shock during your history lecture
• Showing up 10 minutes early, but somehow almost all the seats are taken already?? 
  • Sitting in classmates’ laps when there aren’t enough seats
  • Trying not to get hard when someone sits in ur lap 
  • Trying to get hard when someone sits in your lap
    • Sorry I get nervous
  • Whispering in the other person’s ear while the professor is talking
    • It’s free real estate
  • It’s getting weird now the professor is sitting on my lap
    • Especially since we’re the only two people in the room right now
    • God I love homeschool 
• “Hey you! explain circumcision!”
  • Can no longer compare circumcisions with classmates
    • They really botched mine haha wanna see
      • Haha what if you showed me after class
        • Haha I’ll show you mine if you show me yours 
          • I mean, I’m not gay, but it could be funny. I get it if that’s too weird for you, though, unless… ;)
            • No yeah haha it would be hilarious right? But wait, what if we get hard?
              • *unzips your pants*
• The Eatery- that’s all I have to say
  • Who the fuck calls it the Eatery it will always be the Market  re. whatever it’s dang name is… 
• I can no longer use dark/blurry lighting to hide how fucking ugly I am
• The Marxist man with the megaphone 
• My teacher made us all remove our masks to passionately kiss each of us individually, the problem is I am an engineering major and there are few girls in my class
• Discussing nautical literature
• I can’t blame slow internet for my shortcomings
• I can’t say that “I forgot to mute myself” after the class hears me complain about the Voting Rights Act of 1965 for 3 straight minutes
• Interlocking toes with your TA
• Jag måste tala svenska utan Google Translate
• Deutsch sprechen müssen ohne Google Translate
• I can’t lean back into the shadows when I start tearing up
• Speaking in tongues during attendance
• The Tower Line that went back to Panther Central 
  • Not being able to see the board because the line for Panther Central stretches through the classroom and blocks your view
• Attending public speaking class, going to the front of the room to say your speech, mooning the class.
• Drinking from your water bottle during your 8am and realizing it was actually your leftover titos and mio from the previous weekend, continuing to sip 
• It’s not socially acceptable to keep my pee bucket at my feet (Learned that the hard way; oops!)
• Everyone looking when I play Bop It
• Peeing in my hydroflask because I can’t afford to go to the bathroom and miss precious lecture
  • Accidentally drinking the piss because i thought it was water
• Prof found the “Homework” folder 
  • Homework found the “Professor” folder [eyes emoji]
• Unlike the bathroom at my house, at school I have to get on all fours with the toilet between by legs and arms so that I can then pee into the bowl
• Someone spilled their bong water in my bio lab
  • Drinking someone’s bong water off of the floor of my bio lab with those straw glasses 
• Punching a kid because he stole my pencil (Not allowed to teach anymore smh)
• Swiping the sharp edge of my binder through my pussy
• I have to bring my own condoms to eat during snack time
• Rubbing my nipples everytime i answer questions in class
• Keeping my laptop on reddit.com so everyone can see my reddit karma (sunglasses)
• When you realize your AirPods aren’t working in class and your R rated show plays during your exam