Things that we forgot happened during in-person classes

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Mitt Romniful News)

DCSS: 44.1% of students return to in-person classes ...
  • Learning
  • I enjoy keep ripping tissues in the bathroom
  • People click pens (not parody or satire just stop plz nobody likes u) 
  • Professors take down their masks.  Like a lot.  To eat raw ground turkey out of a Yeti mug. 
  • Being conscious of the sound of my breathing
  • Putting on pants
  • Taking off pants
  • Trading pants with your friends
  • Talking to people (Yuck!)
  • Eye contact with the professor
  • Spilled baked beans all over myself
  • The person in front of you takes a selfie and you have to pretend like you haven’t been staring at their phone for the past hour
  • Everyone behind me can see that I’m playing Spider Solitaire instead of taking notes
  • The Berlin Wall was constructed in 1961 (I forgot that it happened then)
  • Painting your professor like one of your French girls
  • During a peer-review in English class I accidentally handed my partner my handwritten Larry Stylinson smut.  She graded it according to the essay rubric and I got a 100%
  • Tod cheating off me in Calc 2 (Fuck off Tod!)
  • You’re expected to tip the pizza delivery guy extra to make up for him having to awkwardly interrupt the class to bring you your large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese
  • Everyone smelling everyone’s farts
  • Shouldn’t go on illegal black market websites on the school’s wifi
  • People dropping their hydroflasks and the depressing ringing as it rolls down under the seats
    • My hydroflask rolling into the street and into a storm drain such that I must confront an It-style clown to get it back
  • Makeout circle (icebreakers, everyone hates em)
  • I am expected to give the person in front of me a massage, and I’m considered rude if I don’t
  • Were you toooo fast?
  • Drawing a penis on the TI-83 Graphing calculator
    • Oddly familiar pinwheels work too
    • 8008135
      • 5,318,008 but upside-down
      • 1134 but upside-down
  • Can’t use my piss drawer anymore
  • Putting my dick in the pencil sharpener
  • Honestly, TopHat should be made illegal. 
  • Selecting the worst answers in my psych lecture TopHat to destroy the integrity of the survey
  • Clipping your toenails in the Scottish nationality room is apparently frowned upon
    • Having to remember which nationality rooms are okay for toenail clipping
      • The French room is cool with it
        • You can go thru the invisible wall in the men’s bathroom on floor 34
  • The guy next to me keeps reporting me for matching the description of a local murder culprit (Back off, Bret; it’s none of your business!)
  • Showing up to class without pants is not as ok
  • Water bottle flip in class (like a boss) (dab)
  • Tummy rumbles
  • Bringing my pets for show and tell was not well received
    • They have to be alive too wtf
  • Every person in this room is a living, breathing individual, with hopes and aspirations, just like me. I am not the only one who matters, and I am but a mere speck in this cosmic infinity.
    • (Or am I?)
  • Sniffing all your classmates seats after they leave
  • I am no longer able to stare at myself on the screen like a modern-day Narcissus 
  • Without filters, people will suddenly uncover the truth that I am, in fact, not a literal potato
  • “Goodnight, sweet prince”
  • Watching twitch.tv in class (i love pokimane hAHaA)
  • Leaving negative ratemyprofessor reviews because the professor was way hotter on zoom
  • Worrying that the almond milk in your coffee cup will cause someone to go into anaphylactic shock during your history lecture
  • Showing up 10 minutes early, but somehow almost all the seats are taken already?? 
    • Sitting in classmates’ laps when there aren’t enough seats
    • Trying not to get hard when someone sits in ur lap 
    • Trying to get hard when someone sits in your lap
      • Sorry I get nervous
    • Whispering in the other person’s ear while the professor is talking
      • It’s free real estate
    • It’s getting weird now the professor is sitting on my lap
      • Especially since we’re the only two people in the room right now
      • God I love homeschool 
  • “Hey you! explain circumcision!”
    • Can no longer compare circumcisions with classmates
      • They really botched mine haha wanna see
        • Haha what if you showed me after class
          • Haha I’ll show you mine if you show me yours 
            • I mean, I’m not gay, but it could be funny. I get it if that’s too weird for you, though, unless… ;)
              • No yeah haha it would be hilarious right? But wait, what if we get hard?
                • *unzips your pants*
  • The Eatery- that’s all I have to say
    • Who the fuck calls it the Eatery it will always be the Market  re. whatever it’s dang name is… 
  • I can no longer use dark/blurry lighting to hide how fucking ugly I am
  • The Marxist man with the megaphone 
  • My teacher made us all remove our masks to passionately kiss each of us individually, the problem is I am an engineering major and there are few girls in my class
  • Discussing nautical literature
  • I can’t blame slow internet for my shortcomings
  • I can’t say that “I forgot to mute myself” after the class hears me complain about the Voting Rights Act of 1965 for 3 straight minutes
  • Interlocking toes with your TA
  • Jag måste tala svenska utan Google Translate
  • Deutsch sprechen müssen ohne Google Translate
  • I can’t lean back into the shadows when I start tearing up
  • Speaking in tongues during attendance
  • The Tower Line that went back to Panther Central 
    • Not being able to see the board because the line for Panther Central stretches through the classroom and blocks your view
  • Attending public speaking class, going to the front of the room to say your speech, mooning the class.
  • Drinking from your water bottle during your 8am and realizing it was actually your leftover titos and mio from the previous weekend, continuing to sip 
  • It’s not socially acceptable to keep my pee bucket at my feet (Learned that the hard way; oops!)
  • Everyone looking when I play Bop It
  • Peeing in my hydroflask because I can’t afford to go to the bathroom and miss precious lecture
    • Accidentally drinking the piss because i thought it was water
  • Prof found the “Homework” folder 
    • Homework found the “Professor” folder [eyes emoji]
  • Unlike the bathroom at my house, at school I have to get on all fours with the toilet between by legs and arms so that I can then pee into the bowl
  • Someone spilled their bong water in my bio lab
    • Drinking someone’s bong water off of the floor of my bio lab with those straw glasses 
  • Punching a kid because he stole my pencil (Not allowed to teach anymore smh)
  • Swiping the sharp edge of my binder through my pussy
  • I have to bring my own condoms to eat during snack time
  • Rubbing my nipples everytime i answer questions in class
  • Keeping my laptop on reddit.com so everyone can see my reddit karma (sunglasses)
  • When you realize your AirPods aren’t working in class and your R rated show plays during your exam

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