By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Mitt Romniful News)

- Learning
- I enjoy keep ripping tissues in the bathroom
- People click pens (not parody or satire just stop plz nobody likes u)
- Professors take down their masks. Like a lot. To eat raw ground turkey out of a Yeti mug.
- Being conscious of the sound of my breathing
- Putting on pants
- Taking off pants
- Trading pants with your friends
- Talking to people (Yuck!)
- Eye contact with the professor
- Spilled baked beans all over myself
- The person in front of you takes a selfie and you have to pretend like you haven’t been staring at their phone for the past hour
- Everyone behind me can see that I’m playing Spider Solitaire instead of taking notes
- The Berlin Wall was constructed in 1961 (I forgot that it happened then)
- Painting your professor like one of your French girls
- During a peer-review in English class I accidentally handed my partner my handwritten Larry Stylinson smut. She graded it according to the essay rubric and I got a 100%
- Tod cheating off me in Calc 2 (Fuck off Tod!)
- You’re expected to tip the pizza delivery guy extra to make up for him having to awkwardly interrupt the class to bring you your large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese
- Everyone smelling everyone’s farts
- Shouldn’t go on illegal black market websites on the school’s wifi
- People dropping their hydroflasks and the depressing ringing as it rolls down under the seats
- My hydroflask rolling into the street and into a storm drain such that I must confront an It-style clown to get it back
- Makeout circle (icebreakers, everyone hates em)
- I am expected to give the person in front of me a massage, and I’m considered rude if I don’t
- Were you toooo fast?
- Drawing a penis on the TI-83 Graphing calculator
- Oddly familiar pinwheels work too
- 8008135
- 5,318,008 but upside-down
- 1134 but upside-down
- Can’t use my piss drawer anymore
- Putting my dick in the pencil sharpener
- Honestly, TopHat should be made illegal.
- Selecting the worst answers in my psych lecture TopHat to destroy the integrity of the survey
- Clipping your toenails in the Scottish nationality room is apparently frowned upon
- Having to remember which nationality rooms are okay for toenail clipping
- The French room is cool with it
- You can go thru the invisible wall in the men’s bathroom on floor 34
- The French room is cool with it
- Having to remember which nationality rooms are okay for toenail clipping
- The guy next to me keeps reporting me for matching the description of a local murder culprit (Back off, Bret; it’s none of your business!)
- Showing up to class without pants is not as ok
- Water bottle flip in class (like a boss) (dab)
- Tummy rumbles
- Bringing my pets for show and tell was not well received
- They have to be alive too wtf
- Every person in this room is a living, breathing individual, with hopes and aspirations, just like me. I am not the only one who matters, and I am but a mere speck in this cosmic infinity.
- (Or am I?)
- Sniffing all your classmates seats after they leave
- I am no longer able to stare at myself on the screen like a modern-day Narcissus
- Without filters, people will suddenly uncover the truth that I am, in fact, not a literal potato
- “Goodnight, sweet prince”
- Watching twitch.tv in class (i love pokimane hAHaA)
- Leaving negative ratemyprofessor reviews because the professor was way hotter on zoom
- Worrying that the almond milk in your coffee cup will cause someone to go into anaphylactic shock during your history lecture
- Showing up 10 minutes early, but somehow almost all the seats are taken already??
- Sitting in classmates’ laps when there aren’t enough seats
- Trying not to get hard when someone sits in ur lap
- Trying to get hard when someone sits in your lap
- Sorry I get nervous
- Whispering in the other person’s ear while the professor is talking
- It’s free real estate
- It’s getting weird now the professor is sitting on my lap
- Especially since we’re the only two people in the room right now
- God I love homeschool
- “Hey you! explain circumcision!”
- Can no longer compare circumcisions with classmates
- They really botched mine haha wanna see
- Haha what if you showed me after class
- Haha I’ll show you mine if you show me yours
- I mean, I’m not gay, but it could be funny. I get it if that’s too weird for you, though, unless… ;)
- No yeah haha it would be hilarious right? But wait, what if we get hard?
- *unzips your pants*
- No yeah haha it would be hilarious right? But wait, what if we get hard?
- I mean, I’m not gay, but it could be funny. I get it if that’s too weird for you, though, unless… ;)
- Haha I’ll show you mine if you show me yours
- Haha what if you showed me after class
- They really botched mine haha wanna see
- Can no longer compare circumcisions with classmates
- The Eatery- that’s all I have to say
- Who the fuck calls it the Eatery it will always be the Market re. whatever it’s dang name is…
- I can no longer use dark/blurry lighting to hide how fucking ugly I am
- The Marxist man with the megaphone
- My teacher made us all remove our masks to passionately kiss each of us individually, the problem is I am an engineering major and there are few girls in my class
- Discussing nautical literature
- I can’t blame slow internet for my shortcomings
- I can’t say that “I forgot to mute myself” after the class hears me complain about the Voting Rights Act of 1965 for 3 straight minutes
- Interlocking toes with your TA
- Jag måste tala svenska utan Google Translate
- Deutsch sprechen müssen ohne Google Translate
- I can’t lean back into the shadows when I start tearing up
- Speaking in tongues during attendance
- The Tower Line that went back to Panther Central
- Not being able to see the board because the line for Panther Central stretches through the classroom and blocks your view
- Attending public speaking class, going to the front of the room to say your speech, mooning the class.
- Drinking from your water bottle during your 8am and realizing it was actually your leftover titos and mio from the previous weekend, continuing to sip
- It’s not socially acceptable to keep my pee bucket at my feet (Learned that the hard way; oops!)
- Everyone looking when I play Bop It
- Peeing in my hydroflask because I can’t afford to go to the bathroom and miss precious lecture
- Accidentally drinking the piss because i thought it was water
- Prof found the “Homework” folder
- Homework found the “Professor” folder [eyes emoji]
- Unlike the bathroom at my house, at school I have to get on all fours with the toilet between by legs and arms so that I can then pee into the bowl
- Someone spilled their bong water in my bio lab
- Drinking someone’s bong water off of the floor of my bio lab with those straw glasses
- Punching a kid because he stole my pencil (Not allowed to teach anymore smh)
- Swiping the sharp edge of my binder through my pussy
- I have to bring my own condoms to eat during snack time
- Rubbing my nipples everytime i answer questions in class
- Keeping my laptop on reddit.com so everyone can see my reddit karma (sunglasses)
- When you realize your AirPods aren’t working in class and your R rated show plays during your exam