What the Writers of the Pitiful News did with our Long Labor Day Weekend

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the United Pittiful News Laborers of America Party (U P N LAPs))

Sep 6 | Happy Labor Day 2021 | Middletown, CT Patch
  • Labored
  • Went into labor. Like, with a child. Children, in fact– we now have twins
  • Played Tree #3… in a forest
  • Dropped all of my classes
  • Streamed “Certified Lover Boy” 61 million times
  • Your mother, of course 
  • Double dutch 
  • Double homicide 
  • Cried. Slowly and softly. 
  • Jumped in slow motion, just like in the movies! 
  • Sniffed my cat in a respectful way
  • Removed bodily autonomy from millions of people  
  • Bought an NFT of a TikTok 
  • Bought a TikTok of an NFT 
  • Cosplayed as Ted Cruz 
  • “Nation-building” 
  • Listened to Linkin Park on repeat until my body began vibrating 
  • Got kicked out of Ribfest for trying to sell human ribs  
  • Got kicked out of Welsfest for trying to sell artesian wells
  • Saw this weird person having some kind of music-induced seizure 
  • Had some pretty good hummus 
  • Adopted a baby for a YouTube video that didn’t even do that well 
  • Kissed my cats’ little white socks
  • Said hi to my dad  
  • Sucked on my cats’ toes 
  • Tried to sleep overnight at Walmart, but an employee caught me hiding behind the toilet paper rolls
  • Showed up to the Pitt v. UMass game in a Jets jersey 
  • Created the first flipbook porno 
    • Created the first flipbook Mario x Sonic porno
  • Invented the first solar-panelled flashlight
  • Gave a Ted Talk on why dunce caps should be brought back
  • Leaked Dean Bonner’s emails
    • Leaked Dean Bonner’s nude emails
  • Photoshopped a mullet onto the Fairy Godmother from Shrek 2
  • Stayed until the end of the Pitt v. UMass game because I am chronically addicted to any sporting event, no matter how grotesque in score 
  • Forgot all the words to Sweet Caroline 
    • BUM BUM BUM
  • Explored each others’ bodies
  • Became the first person to fit Cathy up my arse
  • Switched up the arrows in Ikea and watched people walk in circles
  • A bunch of my friends from orientation week went up to the top floor of Cathy! So cool to be in the Cathy Club! 
  • Watched the first and last episodes of every anime 
  • Hacked into the Pentagon with my Nintendo DS Lite
  • Tweeted from the GameBoy color in Pharaoh Tutankhamen’s tomb 
  • Posted an affirmation so people think I’m endearing and approachable
    • Or submissive and breedable, that works too
  • Scrolled through the Pitt Missed Connections Instagram hoping, begging that someone saw me on the street and thought I was cool. Not that I care.
  • Dug a big hole in the ground 
  • Nutted in a water balloon 
  • I tattooed a wall (I forgot the word for it)
  • Watered my nut balloon so he grows up big and strong
  • Walked around Forbes in 70s style clothes so people think I am a quirky time traveller
  • Fucked ur mom, again
  • Killed a straight man

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