We’ve been to the year 3000, not much has changed but there are a lot of ruthless dictators

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful “Stream Bobby Shmurda” News)

•  Me
•  Myself
•  I
•  John Cena
• JK 
  • Jimmy Kimmel
• JK 
  • Rowling
• JK
  • John Krasinski
• Terry Crews
  • President Camacho
• Moose L. Ini
  • A very large moose with big antlers who has learned to use the elevator 
• ~🎵Jason Derulo 🎵~
  • … and the entire cast of CATS (2019).
• Pitbull
  • Mr. Worldwide, started from Miami and now his reign knows no boundaries (ft. JLo)
• Lil Nas X 
• Bobby Shmurda
  • Was released from prison, his next song brainwashed the entire populace
• Gwyneth Paltrow
  • GOOP to the moon
• John D. Espot
  • The blueprint
• Shane Yaw
  • Was inaugurated on both knees
• Yog Sogg’oth
•  Kim Kardashian
  • Close relative of Kim Jong-Un, benevolent democratically elected president of the Entirety of Korea
• Some Dude Who Plays Minecraft On YouTube 
• Lord Tyler Sikov
  • Turns out that every article he ever wrote was true and he is in fact an old world deity  
•  Phil Swift the FlexSeal Guy
  • Distracted us with his charm and good looks and now he just kind of runs the show
• Bella Hadid
  • No violent overthrow necessary, we just do what she says ;) 
• Kenyon Bonner
  • Made us change our name smhhhhhh
• Borat
  • My wife! 
• Russell Brand 
• Oreo the Cat
  • He was unanimously elected overlord after the fall of all democratic governments 
• Michelangelo
  • The ninja turtle
• Adam Sandler
  • He and his sister Jill caused quite the coup. Did you know he is worth HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS? 
• Dr. Jill Biden
  • 2028 here we come
• Simon Cowell
  • Found some contractual loophole to force One Direction back together and we all handed over our rights real fast
• Bill Hader 
  • hot
  • counter: Pennywise the Clown. also hot
• Bark Zuckerberg
  • Mark Zuckerberg’s dog  
• Barque Zuckerberg
  • Mark Zuckerberg’s dog, but French
• Ark Zuckerberg
  • A second great flood destroys the earth, He saves the day
• Dark Zuckerberg
  • A niche genre of Wattpad fanfiction that the CEO of Facebook writes about himself between robotic sips of water
• Shark Zuckerberg
  • A man who becomes a shark in any body of water
• Hark! Zuckerberg
  • A man who listens for the angels
• Park Zuckerberg
  • When Mark Zuckerberg needs a little play time
• Hallmark Zuckerberg
  • When Mark Zuckerberg wants to indulge in a sappy Christmas movie
• Jichael Mackson
• Mohn Julaney
• Donald Trump
  • star of the Home Alone franchise
  • LMAO like he’d ever get elected again