By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful “Stream Bobby Shmurda” News)
- Me
- Myself
- I
- John Cena
- JK
- Jimmy Kimmel
- JK
- Rowling
- JK
- John Krasinski
- Terry Crews
- President Camacho
- Moose L. Ini
- A very large moose with big antlers who has learned to use the elevator
- ~🎵Jason Derulo 🎵~
- … and the entire cast of CATS (2019).
- Pitbull
- Mr. Worldwide, started from Miami and now his reign knows no boundaries (ft. JLo)
- Lil Nas X
- Bobby Shmurda
- Was released from prison, his next song brainwashed the entire populace
- Gwyneth Paltrow
- GOOP to the moon
- John D. Espot
- The blueprint
- Shane Yaw
- Was inaugurated on both knees
- Yog Sogg’oth
- Kim Kardashian
- Close relative of Kim Jong-Un, benevolent democratically elected president of the Entirety of Korea
- Some Dude Who Plays Minecraft On YouTube
- Lord Tyler Sikov
- Turns out that every article he ever wrote was true and he is in fact an old world deity
- Phil Swift the FlexSeal Guy
- Distracted us with his charm and good looks and now he just kind of runs the show
- Bella Hadid
- No violent overthrow necessary, we just do what she says ;)
- Kenyon Bonner
- Made us change our name smhhhhhh
- Borat
- My wife!
- Russell Brand
- Oreo the Cat
- He was unanimously elected overlord after the fall of all democratic governments
- Michelangelo
- The ninja turtle
- Adam Sandler
- He and his sister Jill caused quite the coup. Did you know he is worth HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS?
- Dr. Jill Biden
- 2028 here we come
- Simon Cowell
- Found some contractual loophole to force One Direction back together and we all handed over our rights real fast
- Bill Hader
- hot
- counter: Pennywise the Clown. also hot
- Bark Zuckerberg
- Mark Zuckerberg’s dog
- Barque Zuckerberg
- Mark Zuckerberg’s dog, but French
- Ark Zuckerberg
- A second great flood destroys the earth, He saves the day
- Dark Zuckerberg
- A niche genre of Wattpad fanfiction that the CEO of Facebook writes about himself between robotic sips of water
- Shark Zuckerberg
- A man who becomes a shark in any body of water
- Hark! Zuckerberg
- A man who listens for the angels
- Park Zuckerberg
- When Mark Zuckerberg needs a little play time
- Hallmark Zuckerberg
- When Mark Zuckerberg wants to indulge in a sappy Christmas movie
- Jichael Mackson
- Mohn Julaney
- Donald Trump
- star of the Home Alone franchise
- LMAO like he’d ever get elected again
