We recently got the covid vaccine, here are some of the side effects we have experienced:

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups)

COVID-19 Vaccine Firm Soars 650% — Pfizer and BioNTech's Story
  • Social isolation as all of my family and friends have gotten Moderna, whereas I have gotten Pfizer
  • Inflated bank account
  • Inflated ego
  • Inflation kink
  • Optimism for the future
    • Immediately followed by depressive episode
  • Mommy my awm huwts :(
  • Phat ass 
  • Death
  • Became president of a new country
  • Got beetlejuiced
  • Got stickbugged lol
  • Sexy disease. It’s not contagious, don’t worry losers. 
  • Sharp decline in IQ, possibly unrelated
  • Well I got moderna so that’s more of a body high than pfizer 
  • Became a Republican
  • I am starting to like Bill Gates now? I just think he’s one of those cool billionaires, you know?
  • Developed this little voice in my head telling me to buy a Microsoft Surface™ 
  • Grew hooves
  • Uncontrollable urge to read Ayn Rand
    • The Fountainhead is a masterpiece, dude
    • Atlas Shrugged is a close second
  • I unironically like glee now. 
  • Intense succulent craze
  • Inability to stop watching the Twilight movies
  • Reading backwards
  • Redbubble sticker obsession
  • Failing my finals
  • Choosing chartreuse as my favorite color
  • Heat exhaustion from waiting in the sun for 4 hours
  • Became left-handed
  • Became an android user 
  • Turned gay
  • Turned straight 
  • Turned on
  • Turned away. I forgot my insurance card :(
    • I didn’t think you needed an insurance card
    • Wtf they lied to me 
  • Became a theater kid
  • Got coronavirus, somehow?
  • Humanities major disease. Also known as unemployment-itis. 
    • Business major disease. Also known as moral corruption.
  • I’m not funny anymore – I’m starting to wonder whether I ever was
  • Melted my teeth, and now I chew in liquidity
  • A bit tired
  • Traded my skull in for a wooden replica, now I have a splinter on my brain
  • Learned to play the ocarina. Sadly this is not exactly a marketable skill.
  • Frequent nosebleeds
  • Constant nosebleeds
  • Complete lack of nosebleeds (which is worrying, because I used to get frequent nosebleeds)
    • I also don’t have a nose?
  • Became Peanut Butter?
    • Became Jelly?
  • Je peux parler seulement le Français
  • Unstoppable, uncontrollable urge to throw it back
  • Grew another penis
  • Wet mouth
    • Damn, without me? 
  • Dry mouth
    • Damn, without me?
  • My back aches, my bra’s too tight, my hips shake/From left to right 
  • Became a SoundCloud Rapper
  • Resurrection
    • Resuscitation
    • Rotisserie
    • Robespierre
  • Mild Nausea
  • Medium Nausea 
  • Spicy Nausea
  • Sweet Sriracha Nausea
  • Severe Nausea 
  • Thick and Chunky Nausea

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