We recently got the covid vaccine, here are some of the side effects we have experienced:

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups)

• Social isolation as all of my family and friends have gotten Moderna, whereas I have gotten Pfizer
• Inflated bank account
• Inflated ego
• Inflation kink
• Optimism for the future
  • Immediately followed by depressive episode
• Mommy my awm huwts :(
• Phat ass 
• Death
• Became president of a new country
• Got beetlejuiced
• Got stickbugged lol
• Sexy disease. It’s not contagious, don’t worry losers. 
• Sharp decline in IQ, possibly unrelated
• Well I got moderna so that’s more of a body high than pfizer 
• Became a Republican
• I am starting to like Bill Gates now? I just think he’s one of those cool billionaires, you know?
• Developed this little voice in my head telling me to buy a Microsoft Surface™ 
• Grew hooves
• Uncontrollable urge to read Ayn Rand
  • The Fountainhead is a masterpiece, dude
  • Atlas Shrugged is a close second
• I unironically like glee now. 
• Intense succulent craze
• Inability to stop watching the Twilight movies
• Reading backwards
• Redbubble sticker obsession
• Failing my finals
• Choosing chartreuse as my favorite color
• Heat exhaustion from waiting in the sun for 4 hours
• Became left-handed
• Became an android user 
• Turned gay
• Turned straight 
• Turned on
• Turned away. I forgot my insurance card :(
  • I didn’t think you needed an insurance card
  • Wtf they lied to me 
• Became a theater kid
• Got coronavirus, somehow?
• Humanities major disease. Also known as unemployment-itis. 
  • Business major disease. Also known as moral corruption.
• I’m not funny anymore – I’m starting to wonder whether I ever was
• Melted my teeth, and now I chew in liquidity
• A bit tired
• Traded my skull in for a wooden replica, now I have a splinter on my brain
• Learned to play the ocarina. Sadly this is not exactly a marketable skill.
• Frequent nosebleeds
• Constant nosebleeds
• Complete lack of nosebleeds (which is worrying, because I used to get frequent nosebleeds)
  • I also don’t have a nose?
• Became Peanut Butter?
  • Became Jelly?
• Je peux parler seulement le Français
• Unstoppable, uncontrollable urge to throw it back
• Grew another penis
• Wet mouth
  • Damn, without me? 
• Dry mouth
  • Damn, without me?
• My back aches, my bra’s too tight, my hips shake/From left to right 
• Became a SoundCloud Rapper
• Resurrection
  • Resuscitation
  • Rotisserie
  • Robespierre
• Mild Nausea
• Medium Nausea 
• Spicy Nausea
• Sweet Sriracha Nausea
• Severe Nausea 
• Thick and Chunky Nausea