By Evan Rafferty
A lot of people said I would never make it. A lot of people never believed in me. Tonight, I prove all of them wrong. All of the haters, the posers, the dweebs, who looked me in my own two eyes when I told them that I wanted to be a senior writer here at the soon-to-be-not-Pittiful News and laughed at my aspirations. This one’s for them.
Here at the future-ex-Pittiful News, much like your classic hyper-religious cult, the more you contribute to the overlords (either in new blood or in written worship via satire), the higher you rise in the ranks. It has been a long, hard, grueling five months since my first worship was published under the artist-formerly-known-as-Pittiful News branding. I’ve been on a non-stop grind since that fateful day when I first felt my true calling: writing really bad, extremely tangential ‘satire’ articles for no wage (I do take tips- Venmo: @*REDACTED*).
I’d like to start off by thanking my greatest mentor, who has always provided me a clear path to the future and an even clearer mind: the great Tekućina Voda. Every time that I feel myself getting overwhelmed, or needing a reminder of my existence in my mortal form, or if just my teeth are a bit dry, I simply call upon his almighty power and request that his remaining physical presence on this dying planet be inserted into my mouth, and quench my thirst.
To begin this speech tonight, it’s important to remember my roots and first thank the single most important living being in my life. While quite a small little guy himself, he has left an impressively large impact on my persona and has always looked after me whenever I was confused, lost, or hurt, especially after that car accident coming down I-95 at 104 miles per hour where I hit a sick jump ramp off the side in the highway. Before you ask, I’m fine, I only lost two digits: the pinky finger from my left hand and the number in the hundreds place from my IQ. This great fellow is, of course, amazingly talented Jake Wood! Wait, not that weird military guy, I meant the actor. Like the guy who voices the GEICO Gecko. The Insurance Reptile. That’s the joke.
The first person that I need to display my gratitude to is the person who originally invented this great form of comedy, many eons ago. A pioneer of personal expression, and a mastermind of creating creative creations: the one and only Christopher H. Satire. If that’s the first time you’re hearing that name, I wouldn’t be surprised. Only people that are registered with the American Satire & Slapstick Literature Union of Volunteers (ASSLUV) are allowed to meet with our leader in person and hear his wisdom. They have granted me this opportunity to share his glory today as I accept my position as a senior writer.
Finally, I’d like to begin tonight’s speech with a call to action, like every good politically active celebrity and so I can get more Instagram followers. The world as we know it is fading away. Every second, more and more of what makes this planet home dies, and sooner rather than later, we will all go with it. That is why I implore you, all of you, to start posting more funny stuff on Twitter. The fewer times I have to refresh my timeline in the hopes of a good chuckle, the more power we save from my personally designed and constructed crude oil drill built into the side of Cardiac Hill that directly powers my phone with the souls of the dead flora and fauna that used to walk these ancient mountains.