How to Save the Environment

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

  • Murder Someone 
  • Reuse Paper:
    • Old Documents such as Taxes, Parking Tickets, Famous Paintings
  • Totes Use tote bags to carry all your groceries, purchased or unpurchased. As well as any small dogs, leftover food in trash cans, or knives you find laying around
    • the bloodier the better
  • Walk places. 
  • Upcycle some of your old bed sheets into fashionable dresses. Even the ones with mysterious stains on them. 
  • Downcycle old clothing into quilts for the entire lifecycle
  • Don’t exhale. 
    • Alternatively, breathe backwards. Like a plant.
  • No food, no farts.  Halt your methane production with fasting.
  • Vacuum up all the world’s oceans so that no one can pollute them.
    • Or just put a filter in the pool. Big pool.
  • Flip your condoms inside out for a second use
  • Live in a shed in the woods
    • Or just the woods
  • Destroy any non-electric cars
    • All cars
  • Contract tuberculosis.
  • Stop using toilets. Shit in a hole instead.
    • Save the trees. No toilet paper.
  • Eat out.
    • Brought to you by your local lesbian association
  • Kill a second person
  • Move to another galaxy
  • Give the environment a first aid kit 
  • Sacrifice Brendon Urie to the environmental overlords
    • Would you call that the death of a bachelor
      • WOAH
  • Eat mushrooms
  • Scavenge for mushrooms in the woods with small picnic baskets
  • Pick berries and say hello to the animals
  • Just absorb the energy of the earth and sit on moss 
  • Grow moss on your body instead of wearing clothes. 
  • Kill off everyone above 65, once you retire, you are no use to society anymore
  • Kill off everyone under 18, they’re no use to society anyway. 
  • Become a cactus so you use less water
  • Eat less meat
    • OR exclusively eat things that you find dumpster diving 
  • Let mushrooms eat you
  • Eat worms for protein
  • Do it faster
  • Kill all white people
  • Get one of those filters that turns your pee into water and uh…
    • slurp
  • Use plastic straws instead of metal so the turtles have something to eat 
    • Or, controversial opinion, bring the cup to your mouth and skip the straw step
  • Take some ice cubes from your freezer and put them outside to stop the globe from warming
  • Kill frequent sneezers to conserve energy
  • No heaters. Just hugs.
    • or living in the carcass of a large animal. It’s like a super hug.
      • Leonardo DiCaprio ghost wrote this 
  • Stop using toothbrushes. And toothpaste.
  • Don’t shower – go for a swim in the refreshing Pittsburgh river triad
  •  Apologize to your local trees for all the paper you’ve wasted on failed attempts at drawing Dan and Phil fanart. 
  • Don’t waste electricity by plugging in your phone. Buy a new phone every time your old one dies. 
  • Kill off people who don’t love cats
    • Brought to you by PETA
  • Use book pages as toilet paper
  • Save air and stop commenting on how large my mcdonalds order is when we go through the drive-thru together please
  • Befriend local bacteria.
  • We need to stop using spoken language and start tap dancing in Morse code as our primary form of communication.  
  • Eat plastic. 
  • Tinder is a huge power-waster. Just fornicate with friends.
    • From the makers of Words With Friends: Fornicate With Friends!
  • Eat Pokemon.
  • The only machine you should use is a local beefcake.
  • Use another person as your mask in order to not have the plastic mask waste in your carbon footprint
  • Wear shoes a size smaller 
    • Makes your carbon footprint smaller
    • Also uses less materials
  • Have smaller children.
    • Kill them off early, too.
  • Have smaller dogs. 
  • Kill a third person

One thought on “How to Save the Environment

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