A day in the life of a Pittiful News Writer: Russian Prison Escape Edition

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Image result for russian prison

Привет Барби

Привет, Кен!

Ты хочешь прокатиться?

Конечно, Кен!

Перейти …

Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Я блондинка-бимбо в мире фантазий

Одень меня, сделай это туго, я твоя тележка

Ты моя кукла, рок-н-ролл, почувствуй гламур в розовом

Поцелуй меня здесь, прикоснись ко мне там, носовой платок …

Можно потрогать, можно поиграть, если скажешь: «Я всегда твой»

(uu-oooh-u) Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Заставь меня ходить, заставь меня говорить, делай, что хочешь

Я могу действовать как звезда, я могу просить на коленях

Приходите, пустышка, друг, давайте сделаем это снова

Хит город, дурачиться, пойдем на вечеринку

Можно потрогать, можно поиграть, если скажешь: «Я всегда твой»

Можно потрогать, можно поиграть, если скажешь: «Я всегда твой»

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Давай, Барби, пошли на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) О, мне так весело!

Что ж, Барби, мы только начали

О, я люблю тебя, Кен!

Privet Barbi

Privet, Ken!

Ty khochesh’ prokatit’sya?

Konechno, Ken!

Pereyti …

YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

YA blondinka-bimbo v mire fantaziy

Oden’ menya, sdelay eto tugo, ya tvoya telezhka

Ty moya kukla, rok-n-roll, pochuvstvuy glamur v rozovom

Potseluy menya zdes’, prikosnis’ ko mne tam, nosovoy platok …

Mozhno potrogat’, mozhno poigrat’, yesli skazhesh’: «YA vsegda tvoy»

(uu-oooh-u) YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Zastav’ menya khodit’, zastav’ menya govorit’, delay, chto khochesh’

YA mogu deystvovat’ kak zvezda, ya mogu prosit’ na kolenyakh

Prikhodite, pustyshka, drug, davayte sdelayem eto snova

Khit gorod, durachit’sya, poydem na vecherinku

Mozhno potrogat’, mozhno poigrat’, yesli skazhesh’: «YA vsegda tvoy»

Mozhno potrogat’, mozhno poigrat’, yesli skazhesh’: «YA vsegda tvoy»

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Davay, Barbi, poshli na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) O, mne tak veselo!

Chto zh, Barbi, my tol’ko nachali

O, ya lyublyu tebya, Ken!

I’m a closeted homo

By Lord Tyler Sikov

"Pride Cats" by theoceanowl | Redbubble

               It has been more than 6 months since I came back from the Orlando Pride Parade. I wrote an article about my adventures there if you would like to know more. Since my return I have been feeling a bit out of place. I feel like I am not truly me. I did some research online and I discovered I am without a doubt a homo. At this point I am a closeted homo because I am worried what my family will do if they find out. They are not the most accepting, they believe themselves above everyone and hardly ever offer words of encouragement for those less fortunate.

               I know that they will not react well to me being a homo, but I will have to tell them at some point. I love them and they have their own way to show their love for me. For some context I have a mom, a dad, 2 brothers, and a sister. My sister is rather shy and could be called a chicken so I know she will take whichever side has the most people on it. After a while she will accept me because I always comfort her whenever there are big loud noises.  My brother that is 2 years older than me will probably try to find a way to convince me I am wrong, probably telling me I just need to have a drink, take a bath, or eat some greens and then throw up to feel cleansed. If I can convince him that this is the way I am he will try to find a solution, a way to turn me back. But after a while he will come to his senses and will let me live the way I was meant to. My other brother, with his ginger hair, is much more understanding. I will convince him with my first confession. He has assured me that he will love me no matter what, especially because I help clean up after him and I help with his chores.  He is also the sibling that spends the most time in my room, he may even spend more time in there than I do.

               My parents will be a different story. I discovered a few years ago that I was adopted. But so were all of my siblings. My parents could not have children so they adopted four. A ginger boy, a raven black haired girl, a hazel eyed boy, and then me. They adopted me without knowing that I would turn out to be a glasses wearing homo. Some people will say that I look a bit like my father, and while I see it, I am the odd ball out of the family.

            I must say, it clicks, like it all clicks. This explain why I always dress different than the rest of my family. Me being a homo is why I am a much neater eater. The rest of my family are rather animalistic when they eat. I have a vastly different cleaning system and schedule, I am no where near as flexible as the rest of my family, and I am the only one capable of opening most jars in our house.

            I will just have to come out and say it.

            I will have to come out of my closet, another thing that I have that my family does not.

            I am a homo.

            I am a homosapien.

            My family are all cats, I am a homosapien, and I don’t know where to go from here.

Help, I have been stabbed

By Lord Tyler Sikov

I should probably start with how I woke up this morning, it was a typical morning for me. I woke up in the morning feeling like p-diddy, I grabbed my glasses I’m out the door I’m going to hit the city, before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of jack, cause when I leave for the night I ain’t coming back. I’m talking about the fact that I can see parts of the future. I have very similar powers as Raven from the hit 2000’s show That So Raven, also known as the last card of exodus. Similar to that show my visions do not always come true, different that that show I try to make them come true. As many of you know by now, I am a bit of a masochist. I saw someone standing over me with a bloody knife. You may be thinking, how did I know it was my blood. Well, I know because I bleed sterling silver, and the knife was rather shiny with my shiny blood.

               I enjoy getting stabbed, but something seemed different this time. I have been to many of the afterlives, and have always come back but I seem to be running out of places to go once I die. I do not want to go to the duwat, the Egyptian afterlife, because of that one time I stole all of the ibis’s in the world. Isis was not happy with me after that. This time I am talking about the goddess Isis, the wife of Osiris, not the terrorist organization. The organization likes me a lot as I committed a lot of voter fraud to help them take over the infidel infested country we live in. Back to the Egyptian afterlife, the only good thing that could come from going there is that I already worship cats, and there are many more cats to worship there. Bast, the cat goddess, and I used to date so I have a bit of good fortune with her. We broke up because despite popular speculation, I am not in fact a cat. I have an article about that coming in the future.

               While I was worrying about what would happen after I died this time, I neglected to pay attention to my surroundings. I found myself standing in the middle of the river Styx, and I mean in the river. While I lay at the bottom, I saw all of the cats I love bap the water to try to pull me out. I also for some reason saw a guy in Trojan battle armor standing next to a small replica of the Trojan horse. He was yelling at me to pick a spot to anchor my mortality, I chose my belly button because I have an inny and anyone trying to stab me there would need to stab slightly further to be able to damage me. I get out and find that I went through the same process as Achilles, so I suppose I have an Achilles belly button.

               Having my entire body immune to damage except for my belly button if it weren’t for the fact that I forgot today was sumo wrestling with knives night in my house. I put on my giant cloth pants and was quickly stabbed by my brother. While I laid on the floor bleeding out with my brother standing over me, I saw my vision come true. Right then I woke up with Bast and about 100 other cats curled up next to me. It turns out my previous assessment of why I do not often die is that I have so many connections with different gods that they all either want to help me stay alive or they hate me so much that they can not stand having me in their domain. In this case, Bast had given me 9 lives like a cat. Sorry if I am cutting this story short, but I need to get back to the bathing pile where all of the cats pile on top of each other and bathe themselves and others in the pile.

Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 1st – February 7th

By Ella Mizera

Horoscope for Saturday Oct 24, 2020: Here's astrology prediction for  Cancer, Virgo, Leo and all zodiac signs | Astrology News – India TV

Aries: Sometimes it doesn’t matter how wide you open your eyes. There is still darkness outside.

Taurus: Have you ever really dreamed of a white christmas? If you have, please call me. I believe we may have met before.

Gemini: Wake up early and shovel your driveway. I don’t know what the powder covered it is, but it may be worthwhile to drop it off at a biohazard collection site.

Cancer: Blood is thicker than hot chocolate, but what they do have in common is being great to leave out for Santa Claus.

Leo: Winter has been a trying time for all of us. Purify yourself this holiday season via eggnog enema. 

Virgo: Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh may make for an entertaining chase scene, but the demons will outrun the horse eventually.

Libra: Do not attempt to pronounce the runes inscribed in your cranberry sauce. That sauce was shipped to the wrong dimension by accident. Don’t eat it, either.

Scorpio: While spending Christmas with family may increase your risk of spreading COVID-19, it’s helpful to have a blood sacrifice on hand in case Eldritch Saint Nick comes calling.

Sagittarius: Shut your bedroom window tightly tonight, no matter what the woman outside of it says.

Capricorn: Your relatives may not believe in the election results, but they’ll have to believe in the mythos if they want to make it out of your house alive.

Aquarius: Keep the magic alive for the kiddos. Steal Santa Claus’s face and graft it on over your own. 

Pisces: Make sure that the gift you give your loved ones is something near to their heart. An artery, perhaps.

I’m the Zodiac Killer

By Ted Cruz 

The Earth is flat, Trump is a Democrat … and other great ...

It all started at my local Subway sandwich joint in ‘17. I was delving into the second half of my footlong on italian with only shredded lettuce and yellow mustard, praying to God asking for him to put an end to this wretched stage of teenage veganism when my world was turned completely on its head. From the corner of my eye, I saw one of my fellow pre-play-rehearsal-subway-goers summon a picture from google on their iPod Touch. This troubled me greatly, as I knew that our Subway did not offer publicly available WiFi. Maybe the Lord or the universe or Simon Cowell had made this google search possible for my phoneless friend for a reason. My psychic senses were giving me that particular tingle that meant I was on the brink of destruction from the contents of my friend’s iPod fourth generation. My clairvoyance had never done me wrong up until now, and it wasn’t about to disappoint. When the photo was revealed to the rest of us, I knew that my carefree youth was behind me. 

When it became my turn to hold the iPod, I found myself looking into the sultry, republican eyes of one Ted Cruz. Smiling with his signature flare that screamed “I’m definitely part-iguana, or at the very least iguana-adjacent,” Tedward Cruz’s image faded into black, and I was left looking at my own reflection in the darkness of my friend’s dead electronic device. It is important to note that while I am now aware that the picture of Tedwin Cruz had vanished due to my freshman year compadre’s inability to carry a charger, I had no idea at the time. How? Well, that’s simple. I happen to look exactly like Tedgar Cruz. 

At that moment, I knew that my only option was to stand my ground; the two working Sandwich Artists were blocking the entrance with a Glock 19 in each of each of their hands. Yes, you read that correctly. Each of each of. That’s 4 glocks, all pointed at me in this Subway. And all because I bear a more-than-passing resemblance to Tedwick Cruz. 

Well, I may be misleading you there. As all of you know by now, Tedmund Cruz has been found by the Court of Public Opinion to be responsible for the Zodiac Killer shenanigans of the 60s and 70s. Of course, I could not have anything to do with these murderous hijynx! I wasn’t even close to being born at this time in history, or so I had managed to make all those around me believe up until now. But now my secret was out. I, Sarah, am the Zodiac Killer. 

How did I hide my secret identity from society at large until this fateful sandwich outing, you ask? The answer is simple. Each morning and night, I lather my face in Johnson & Johnson diaper rash cream and spray my entire body from head to hammer toe in WD-40, as I have every single day since my inaugural crime spree in the mid to late 1960s. (Don’t drill me on the semantics, it’s easy to forget the particulars when you have so many tracks to cover. It happens to the best of us) I managed to live the entire first half of my life in a solitary hideyhole in order to set the scene for a future where there would be nobody to accidentally confess my crimes to. Then, around 1963, I hit the ground running. Blah, blah, you’ve heard the story. Cyphers and the like. Cut to this Veggie Delite sandwich on this day in this Subway, and the jig is finally up. 

In order to punish me for my heinous (all the while impressive) crimes, the U.S. government has bestowed upon me a punishment that compared to the Death Penalty, seems a tad cruel and unusual. From now until 2024 or 2025, depending on how my grades turn out, I am doomed to a future of writing about extreme winter sports and retail-worker anecdotes on

this here publication. Worse yet, the crew at the Pittiful News isn’t even letting me touch the whole horoscope thing. They say it would be too meta. What do they know anyway?

I have stormed the Capitol

By Lord Tyler Sikov

United States Capitol - Wikipedia

               If you turn the news on right now you will probably hear that many protestors have stormed the capitol building. Just like the amount of people that showed up to Trump’s inauguration, the number of protestors has been greatly exaggerated. It is just me here. I mean the congress members are also here, but I am the only protestor. What am I protesting you might ask; well, I am protesting the injustice that has been perpetrated against penguins. The past several times I have released penguins into the chambers of congress everyone freaked out. Did I toss a few off of the balcony making them land on some senators’ heads, possibly? But they did not react the way I hoped they would so I have infiltrated the capital to lighten the mood by pulling a number of other zany pranks.

               The first prank I am pulling is ding dong ditching the congress members in alphabetical order. I started with Susan Collins and ended with Mitch McConnell. None of them saw it was me, as I was dressed like a mummy mummy. That is a mummy dressed as an old timey British mother. This wacky fool that I pulled did not feel like it got my message across so I moved onto my second prank. I flooded the entire building with laughing gas. This was good as they had run out in the basement dentist’s office and Orin Hatch was getting a root canal. That spoof seemed like something the joker would do, and as I don’t like copying my uncle, I moved onto my next prank quickly.

               I went and found all of the presidential photos. I drew mustaches on the presidents that did not have mustaches and I removed the mustaches from the portraits that had mustaches. This was seeming rather small scale so I decided to step up my game. I went to one of the large open rooms filled with statues. I began to move the statues to different places. But every time I would look back, the statues would be right back where they started. I determined that they had some sort of spell on them similar to the one in the movie Night at the Museum. So, I went and asked nicely if they would move to random places and help me with my wacky hijinks. They happily helped, if there is one thing I know about statues it is that they love pulling pranks.

               This is where the problem began. Capitol police were called to the scene. By this point I had already placed jello recreations of all of the congress members in their seat on the house and senate floor. I also meticulously made jello capitol police, this confused the human police enough for me to escape. The news stations have been painting what I did as an insurrection and claim that I have seditious intent. While I have in the past successfully overthrown the government, this was not one of those time. This is all to say that there may be a few less articles by me for a bit, it all depends on the grand jury’s vote. I have catnapped most of the jury members’ cats for a bit of incentive for them to not indict me.

Our Predictions for this upcoming semester

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

2021 University of Pittsburgh Calendar
  • I will remain alone. 
  • Dean Bonner will unhinge his jaw like a snake and eat Provost Ann Eggbert Cudd. 
  • J.K. Rowling will announce that Hogwarts was based off of The University of Pittsburgh.
  • I will eat another cactus.
  • I will kill another cactus. 
  • I will expand my parameters on Tinder. Age? Location? Gender? We’ll see.   
  • TikTok will sponsor the entire Pitt Theater Department.
  • My parents will love me.
  • The Power of Pitt signs will stay safe and unmolested for the entire year.
  • Roc will find love and retire to start a family.
  • I’ll find a new use for my now-empty under-the-bed wine cellar (it’s a storage tote).
  • I will be able to successfully count all the dots on my ceiling.
  • I might actually wear that dress I bought before COVID.
  • Mr. Sir His Highness Dean Bonner will continue to go on his “safety walks” and “gather feedback” from “students”. I bet half of the people he’s talking to don’t even go here! 
    • Drop the names, Kenyon!!!!
  • That one spot on Forbes will continue to smell absolutely rancid.  
  • Upperclassmen may not be able to make rent due to the lack of freshmen partying.
  • Your Tinder date will go badly. 
  • 90% of freshmen will get overcharged for weed. 
  • You will save up your dining dollars only to be sent home in two months and never be able to use them again.
  • Eric will be paid generously for his hard work here at the Pittiful News.
  • It will turn out that your college experience was merely a very long dream you had during a coma you went in during high school– all of that knowledge you have accumulated is literally just dreamy nonsense.
  • I will be happy, finally. Right guys? Right? 
  • The panther statue will become a COVID superspreader. 
  • My illegal hamster will join the Cathy Club.
  • Maybe I’ll learn how to cook.
  • I will fall asleep in the arms of my beloved. (This could be difficult as I buried them two months ago after I successfully became a widower.)
  • Tyler will learn to spell words with two or more syllables.
    • It is Lord Tyler to you.
  • My third album will go platinum. 
    • It had Kelly Clarkson.
  • We will live underwater.
  • Your great great great granddaughter is doing fine.
  • Lord Tyler will fake his own death anywhere from 6 to 30 more times.
  • I will dye my hair red in a 3AM caffeine-induced panic attack and cover it up by claiming someone was murdered in my shower.
  • Flex at Pitt becomes the name of Pitt’s new Department of Yoga Studies.
  • Flex at Pitt will become rigid.
  • I will spend all of my money at Dunkin’ after promising not to. 
  • I will continue to lie, cheat, and steal my way through online classes. Sike haha don’t show the department boards this. 
  • The COVID vaccine will have the unexpected side effect of herpes. 
  • I will download Dark Zoom for my illegal, bad boy classes. 
  • President Biden will abdicate his throne to the My Pillow Guy.
  • Groundhog Day will be cancelled due to lack of people caring.
  • Groundhog Day (1993) (film) will be cancelled because of some super scandalous goings-on with Tom Hanks and Bill Murray.
  • I will have to take a tinkie winkie or a stinkie winkie and I will do it in my sinkie winkie.
  • Another COVID vaccine will come out and be like downloading knowledge from the Matrix.
  • I will send Ann E. Cudd’s emails to spam. Cutting out toxic people in 2021.
    • Preach Sister.
  • Same problem, different pandemic. Once the masks go by the wayside, condoms will follow suit. Patient zero? Roc the Panther.
  • Amazon will dominate.
  • The Perch employees will get mad at me and I will cry. 
  • I will cry more often, and my tears will be far more powerful.
  • I will find you.
  • The “es hora de comer” guy will admit to four counts of homicide and subsequent cannibalism.
  • Pitt will finally open up their definition of clubs to include cults and sketchy religious organizations.
  • The alt kids will start unironically wearing JoJo Siwa merch around campus.
  • Even in a global pandemic, the members of the Cathy Club will increase tenfold. Do not underestimate the power of horny freshmen. 
  • Dean Bonner will send out an email proclaiming that he is “very disappointed in us”.
    • The Pittiful News will parody said email.  
  • I will finally get the spoon I lent to a friend back.
  • This club’s name will change.  
  • I will finally get up the courage to come out as pro-beastiality so I can ask out my crush, Galligator. 
  • Miraculous LadyBug season 4 will come out.
  • People, places, and things will happen.
  • Roc will star in a porno for meth money. It will be his Roc bottom.
    • Aptly entitled “Roc’s Bottom”.
  • Maybe I’ll pay the dues (just maybe).
  • I will burn out halfway through and abandon all of my commitments and blame it on Zoom. Again. 
  • I will finally get the bagels on a stick that Tbo promised me back when iCarly was on the air.
  • Cottagecore Club.
  • Forty leprechaun-sized men will hijack the Cathedral of Learning and fly it to the moon.
  • I’ll spend a tuition’s worth of money at the Forbes Chipotle– if they can get orders ready fast enough.
  • I will hide away the spoon I “borrowed” from a friend so they never find out I used it to eat peanut butter from the jar.
  • The sixth Jonas Brother will be revealed. 
  • The Czechoslovak Nationality Room will be replaced by the E-Girl Room. 
  • The Pittiful News will change their name. (again)
  • A group of friends, in some Pitt dorm, somewhere will pledge to start a podcast that nobody will listen to.  
  • The fifth Jonas Brother will succumb to the same STD as Roc did. 
  • People will finally start listening to my podcast.