By Ella Mizera
Aries: Love can come from many pathways and avenues. And sewers and dark alleyways and dungeons, but people tend not to check those places.
Taurus: Candy hearts printed with demonic sigils seem like a harmless prank on your girlfriend until her scleras turn black and she starts crawling on ceilings.
Gemini: This Valentine’s Day, skip the roses. Send something more thoughtful and personal. Paper-thin slices of my frontal lobe did the trick for me.
Cancer: Researchers haven’t yet isolated the “cuddle chemical” from our brains. They’re not sure it actually exists, but there has to be a reason behind the Montgomery Cuddle Riots of 1982.
Leo: Roses are red, violets are blue, ̶̼̂ḭ̷̈́a̵̠͛!̶̲͌,̶͖̽ ̷̲͐ī̸̦ȧ̷̟!̸̠̂,̵̬̈́ ̵̗̃f̶͕̐’̵̩̇ţ̵̑a̴̖͒g̶̠̉ḥ̵̆n̷͔̄ ̸̭͊c̵̘͌t̵͓͗h̴̦͛ų̵̏l̴͍̅h̶̦̕u
Virgo: I love your blue eye/ And the smiles on your face/ And your three sets of arms/ For a three-fold embrace…
Libra: It’s not a codependent relationship if they’re living inside your small intestine.
Scorpio: The wetness in your ear just comes from a benevolent long-limbed night stalker. If your eyes stay closed, it’s almost like a kiss.
Sagittarius: Listen closely to the teddy bear, and you may hear a very gentle clacking of teeth inside.
Capricorn: Contrary to popular belief, snow is not the most romantic form of precipitation. It’s not even a form of precipitation at all!
Aquarius: Don’t drive between 5:42 and 6:42 tonight. The barrier is weak, and the form in the fog was not meant to be seen by your eyes.
Pisces: Lift me up, asks your two-headed dog, so that I may see the stars one last time. Lift me high.
The Pitiful News 