By the writers of the Pittiful news
- I went to therapy.
- I successfully walked out of therapy and did not immediately stop to buy myself a celebratory $5 iced coffee.
- I brushed some teeth. Not mine but we’ll get there eventually.
- I got to third base with my cat.
- That just means we held hands, god get your minds out of the gutter
- I got physically trapped in my room because my mom and I wedged a sofa into the doorframe. We had to saw off my legs to save me.
- I got my coffee paid for at Dunkin (including the 50 cents added for oatmilk) and declined when asked if I wanted to pay it forward.
- I watched racists from my high school post MLK quotes. It’s like “I have a dream” but the dream is a McMansion, poor taste in jewelry, getting belligerently drunk at your kid’s Little League game, and a husband that you hate.
- I walked my obese 12 year-old labradoodle to Cathy
- I blocked my aunt on Facebook
- I watched clips of old Comedy Central roasts.
- I thought about buying my textbooks but still didn’t :/
- I went on a hike and dropped a fruit snack in the mud
- My friend offered to sneak out of her family bonding time to see me
- I ate deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
- I choked on deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
- I cleaned regurgitated deli turkey off of my open fridge.
- I had a gay thought.
- I ate peas out of the can with a fork while on a zoom call.
- I added someone on facebook that I met in the teens club on a Norwegian cruise in 2016.
- Admired a banana sticker
- I withdrew my Pitt housing for the spring so I could use the money to put towards a rhinoplasty.
- I made an appointment to get a dye job to repair my botched dye job from two weeks ago.
- I unmatched a couple of guys on Tinder just to feel like I was controlling the controllables. Right as we were making plans, too. How sad!
- Made a wok full of scrambled eggs for dinner
- I made a new Pinterest account so people who have my main pinterest account couldn’t see the boards I create. Now I know you can make boards private. You live and you learn.
- I ghosted the Nigerian guy in my DMs, again
- Planned to become a widower. I have the ex husband, now I have to decide how I am going to murder him.
- Slept in.
- Watched the Inauguration.
- Kidnapped several children.
- I watched this video.
- I went into a dark alleyway and asked someone nicely if I could have their wallet, by asked nicely I mean I stabbed them and then held a sterile cloth to their wound to apply pressure and make it bleed less, I ended up getting their wallet but they went and died on me, so now I am a wanted criminal, which is not new but it would have been nice if it had taken a bit longer into the new year.
- Committing various war crimes
- Got shot while standing on a balcony
The Pitiful News 