By Lord Tyler and Sarah
Flo Rida has gotten away with many crimes at this point. We here at the Pittiful news need to set the record straight. Here is just a taste of what he has done:
- Entered a convenience store with an alligator and bought 3 kegs
- Botched a castration on another man he met on a Eunuch fetish website
- Was caught with a handful of Trump-shaped ecstasy pills
- Was caught with a handful of Trump-sized explosive devices
- Was caught with a handful of Trump-freakish-baby-hand-sized little sticky hands that you fling at the wall
- Bit a “couple” of toddlers “dozens” of times
- Evacuated a walmart after he was caught crawling through the ceiling
- Committed domestic battery with a thin crust Domino’s pizza
- Gave an “Aggressive Wet Willy”
- Stole 11k votes in tomorrow’s Georgia runoff senate race
- Broke into a home and made himself and the homeowners brunch
- Attacked a passerby with a sword over a bag of trash
- Helped Bush beat Gore by piling raccoons in trenchcoats and having them vote
- Burglarized cars while wearing only a hat and a bra
- Held an entire theater of moviegoers hostage and forced them to watch an entire box set of M*A*S*H*
- Hit a McDonald’s worker with his VW Bug for “taking too long”
- Purchased a VW Bug
- Changed his name from Tramar Lacel Dillard
- Lingered after a hug for a bit too long
- Put the Kraft cheese powder into the still-cooking pot of boiling elbow noodles, failing to drain the box-recommended 6 cups of water beforehand
- Dressed as spiderman and power washed roofs
- Assaulted a man with ketchup
- Played basketball naked, claiming it would improve his skill level
- Crashed into a cop car while riding a lawnmower with a blood alcohol level of .3
- Had too many pet rocks
- Stabbed a man while wearing a bunny costume
The Pitiful News 